Feelings... Nothing but these Funny Feelings

Why do I have these feelings for you... 

Why?.. 

WHY!!!!!!

i beat myself up everyday for having these feelings.. 

emotionally beat that is...

I cant stop thinking about you...

wondering what's going on.. 

why this.. why that... 

this is Ridiculous... 

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings

I get jealous knowing that you are with him

I get jealous just thinking about you touching him, and loving him.. 

Everytime you don't respond i think you're making love to him.. 

It makes me sad, mad, and hurt.. 

But i have no right to feel these feelings,

Because you are his... 

Y'all have the right to do that....

But why am I feeling this way...

I think about you more out of the day then i think about myself

I can't focus in school

I can't function at home.. 

it's getting to the point to where i feel like CRAP!

i Don't know what to do... 

I don't know...

I text.. you hardly respond

I call.. you hardly pick up... 

But then you say you miss me and the feelings that were leaving all come rushing back...

Its hard being friends with someone you like a lot... almost Love. 

you would think it would be easy seeing that we do not see each other a lot... 

shoot.. hardly at all...

but its extremely hard to get over you...

i see you pulling away from me.. and going back to him.. 

dang.. 

I constantly think of y'all having sex and it pisses me off... 

i wanna know if it is happening.. 

and why it is happening...

Sometimes i feel it would have been better if I had never met you..

I constantly think... why you.. why am i soo worried and concerned with you....

i have had these feelings before.. 

but not as strong as this.. 

the more i try to pull away.. 

the more i find myself thinking and wanting you..

wanting to hold you..

Kiss you.. 

Caress your hair

kiss your tattoos

kiss you... Softly...

rub on your back....

run my fingers through your hair...

But i cant.. 

cuz he is in my place...

and it bothers me to no end...

i don't know who to be mad at.. 

Him for being where i want to be

or you for introducing yourself to me...

My heart is heavy with emotions and is deeply saddened. 

i know you did not mean for this to happen

I know you did not do this on purpose...

I just had to get this out 

write this down...

tell you how i felt...

I've tried suppressing my feelings and it only makes me depressed and more emotional

I cant suppress anymore

I noticed i mask my depression with laughter and trying to be happy.. but that puts me at a war with myself because on the outside i am extremely happy, but on the inside i am extremely hurt. Emotionally Conflicted to where the laughter turns into tears back into laughing back into tears.

I have never felt this way towards anyone. This is all new to me... All random to me... All "WTF" to me.... I don't know how to handle it.. 

But i am slowly learning.. 

This process is Hard and rough.. you're everything i want.. everything i need... But i cant have you..

I wish i met you first.. everytime i see a date before 2007 i think "Dang.. I wish i knew him then... cuz then i would have known him first... and We would be together" but that's not how the cards were dealt.. and right now i am not liking my hand.... 

You probably won't ever read this....

but if you do....

Know that these are my real genuine feelings towards you.

its a love/hate thing...

I love you...

but i hate the emotions i am going through because i can't have you....