In almost every situation i have been in... I am pushed away. Told things such as "It's ok.. we dont need what you have to offer", or "We can't be friends until You're better" or feeling left out just like i am not wanted or I am not good enough...
I feel i have proven myself time and time again how much of an asset i can be or how much someone or a group of people need me to be there, but I am never given that chance.
I feel like everyone expects me to not be the best so They treat me as "not the best". Or they use me.....
Used....
I'm Tired of that word coming back to my brain as what was done to me.
Now i am not writing this for you (the reader) to feel pity or sympathy for me..
I am just coming to the realization that this is the Very reason why Things Hurt soo bad when i go through a situaiton and end up feeling left, an alone. As stated in my previous blog I have been alone all my life, and it is not fun. So to think you have true friends, or think you have found someone who has a lot of what you have in common, or to think you have found the "one" and to have them leave you for some random reason. Hurt.
I say Hurt and not Hurts because I am not hurting anymore... But because of Past Hurt.
Hurt that cut me deeper then any physical sword could have done.
I feel abandonment is one of my greatest fears, and to feel that constantly every-time i do put myself out there or do go out on a limb. Hurt.
Getting nothing in return for me giving everything.. hurt...
Used....
That's what i felt... in every situation...
Used....
Different Degrees...
But still used nonetheless...
No one Loved me.. It was evident.. I blocked the signs...
there was a lot of like.. but no love....
There was a lot of words.. But they were worthless.
I've realized not to open my heart to people soo fast.
In the dancing world feeling like you're the worst one on a team but no one wants to help you....hurt....
Seeing someone you admire let you down soo bad.. Hurt... Seeing them not care about letting you down...Hurt.
Feeling like this team could be better without you because you feel people are thinking that.. Hurt...
Being misunderstood because it seems like people do not want to understand you.. Hurt.
Seeing love all around you and you not having ONE opportunity to experience any love... Hurt...
People seeing you emotionally crying but no one wants to help... hurt...
No one seeming to want you at all... Hurt...
"You're everything i could want and everything i need... BUT..."
is all that i get constantly from each and every person i am interested in...
The "But" is a wall of disappointment, hurt, anger, depression, sadness, regret, fear, and a big "kick in the butt" all in one....
i have to learn, and i am learning, that people will always let me down....
No one is going to be my knight in shining armor....
No one is going to rescue me from this thing called being left alone and "self-hate"
No one is there to pick me up.
No one.
We each have our own lives and troubles we face. I understand that... but its what you do when you are in those troubles that determine what happens next... and i usually am supportive and caring and loving.. but do not get the same in return at all... and I end up alone.. emotionally.. no one to talk to.. or if i am talking to someone, they fall asleep on the phone, or get sick of me telling them the story... Leaving me feeling worse because they do not care about anything i am going through.
So I understand that every relationship i am in will be a one sided relationship. meaning me giving more then they could possibly ever give. Me ultimately getting pushed away for one reason or another, and me ultimately just not having any one there..
We all have to grow..
And i am growing to know and accept that......... maybe me being pushed away is ultimately my Fate in life.. pushed away to help bring someone else forward....
Someone has to lose..
I guess it's me...
I've learned that Being alone.. is the thing that I fear....
And everyday I am faced with being pushed away or left...alone...
No pity
I just realized this fear...
And why i was hurt in every situation...
and I am dealing with it one day at a time....
But the more i am pushed....
the more i am ready to just say "Screw it" and push back....
And that Darrick is not good for anyone...
hmph.
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