Quick Summary of 2013!

Wow.... on this almost LAST day of 2013...

I HAVE SOO MUCH TO SAY but I don't know where to start....

well Let's just go with what happened this year.

February. Had no Valentine.. but did not worry about that.

March... Took Marsha And Joseph to Disneyland and had a really good time. Marsha got upset with me for not stopping and looking at hair the next day and so i did not speak to her for 3 weeks. I think she learned. HAHAHA.... Moved into my Own Apartment... That was a BIG Deal for me... an experience i still do not know if i was ready fro.. meaning i did not expect all that came with it.. but i am enjoying it.

September... Went to Orlando and Miami Florida with Ryan Cuadros and Marsha... I had an AMAZING time. Turned 27...

October..Met my Fav Singer JOJO....(Thanks MARSHA) I went to Universal Horror Nights and Queen Mary's Halloween events.. Had a lot of fun

November.. Thanksgiving was cool

December.. Christmas was good..

Thats basically it.. I did have other things happen this year.. but those are the stand out Events...

Hope you guys have a safe and fun new year 2014..

See ya in the new year!

A Companion

Companionship... That's all I want.. all I Long For.. relationship wise.. Just a companion. No one seems to be interested in that anymore.. Well.. no one that I can see.

Wake Me Up When It's All Over.

There are soo many emotions going on with me today that I do not even know where to begin... I guess I'll start with Jesus letting me know today that he sleeps with other people.. Now I technically can not be mad at him.... as I have slept with people since I've known him also.. but i think what gets me is that I was dumb enough to even think he had not been.. I mean this guy has more secrets then the FBI.. so I should have known.. Now don't get me wring I am NOT mad at him... Just dissapointed that I let myself feel certain things for him that I should have known were not felt back...

I just feel like I am never going to be loved.. No matter what I do.. how i do it.. how I act.. how nice or supportive I am.. I am never going to experience someone loving me as much as I love them..

I know i have to learn to love myself first.. I get that.. And I am trying.. I really am... it's just hard when all these thoughts and emotions get in the way...

I really Appreciate his honesty though.. this is the first time I felt he has opened up to me and been 100% truthful with me.

I never feel good enough for anyone... So.. they treat me like i am not good enough.. I need more self esteem... respect. but instead I beat myself up for always being chosen last or not even chosen at all...

It's not a good fulfilling feeling.

I don't know what to do with myself...

I don't want to be desperate.. I don't want to seem needy.. and I believe that is how I come off to people. which makes them not want to even bother with me.

All I am doing is trying to be nice to them.. many times I do not want the dick, but it always comes off as me wanting it.

How can I change this? How can I gain true self esteem?

I don't know.

Things are changing. My 30's better be better then this.. This s a Horrible emotional state to be in. been here for months and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

I feel lost.

Pray for me y'all...

Peace

"Everything Will Be Ok"

One thing i have realized over the past few weeks is that i do not know how to deal with death. I have had two friends of mine who have recently had to go through situations dealing with death and i really don't know what to do.. what to tell them.. or to go about it. Do you tell them it is going to be ok? Knowing that they just Lost someone they loved, cared about, laughed with, joked with, basically spent a portion of their lives with. To tell them it is "going to be ok" in this time can be like putting acid on a wound.. Aren't you basically saying... Life goes on, and eventually you will be ok with their absence, because there is NOTHING you can do about it. So, i try to avoid that phrase. This morning i called my friend Fernando and he informed me that his sister, who was battling cancer, had just passed away. Being that it was 3 in the morning i was a little shocked..My mind was racing on comforting things to say, but all i could think to say was "I'm soo sorry" and was trying to avoid "Everything will be ok" <--But i said Both anyway... His life is like a Novella... I told him i was here for him...but like a novella., i can only sit and watch his life through a square box and telephone calls. I really want to be there for him.. I know its a difficult time for him, But what to do?!?!?! Again i ask.. How do i go about this. My other Friend Mar'Sha's Great Grandmother just passed away also... I really did not know what to do. I thought she had mentally prepared for the passing, but I was wrong. No Matter How much you prepare for someone to die... its never an easy thing to go through.I still do not know what to do.. how to comfort, how to give them a sense of comfort and serenity in this time of grieving. Do I give them space or Always try to be by their side whether it be emotionally or physically. I really do not know.... The pain, the hurt, the loss.. I realize that's one situation I avoid like a plague.

Born Female

Many Times I feel if I was born a female.. most of my internal struggles would be gone... It's not as easy as people think it is. No more hurting.. no more crying.. no more thinking there no chance for you... Everything would be good.. My liking of Men would be OK and excepted.. I would not have to answer question of "Are you Gay?" like i am some sort of hidden mutant people are curious about? Every friend i make i have to eventually answer that question.. Being a girl would have made all that go away.. I don't think i would evern think about things that are gay.. Yearning for a man's kiss, touch, his lips, his hands, his chest down to his Balls would be an ok thing for me to think about.. Matter of fact.. it would be encouraged!!!! Me Being a man though, the simple question of me liking other men sends potential friends running away... Do i have a plague.. am i contagious? Is there something they know, that i don't.. Should i try to run away from myself also? I mean.. maybe even gay men run away from me.. actually.. it's not a maybe.. THEY DO run away from me.. and i don't know why? I beat myself up and try to find different directions to approach the situations but i end up in the same place... Question my existence, Questions of why I am dealing with the pain of really not knowing if someone can truly love me. Watching, wishing, and waiting for...I don't know. :-( and thats the sad thing...

All I know is that at this point in my life.. Being a female.. would eliminate some of my heartache.

But I am going through a change.. I do not know what the change is... I see it though...

I went to church service today (FBC) for the first time in Years..I had a good time.. but for some reason it did not fill what i am missing.. I do not know what i am missing... but it did not fill it...

It's One in the morning... I can't sleep. How did i get like this?! Where do i go from here?! What do I do?! The funny thing about it is that I am not sad.. nor happy.. I am just... there...

I have no Motivation to do anything... maybe its just today... I'll give it a few more days and then i will seek other ways to dealing with Whatever this is!

Peace.

The Problem Is.....

This week I started singing again in the choir at my old church (Friendship Baptist Church). Gosh I've Missed it... It felt like Home, something I've Longed to be back in for a great deal of time... the Problem is... The More I get back into church.. the more I have to shove myself Back Into The Closet.

Masculine Latino Gay Men.

Today I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and i saw the cutest thing. It was 2 latino Gay Couples... I saw them in the line for X2 and i really could not believe my eyes. They were both MASCULINE gay couples... Now i am not sure how long these couples have been together but the chemistry that was shared between both couples made my heart melt. I really just wanted to stare and follow them for the rest of the day.. One couple was hugged up sometimes and one of the men laid his head on the other... though not long... sufficient enough to say that he loved and cared for the other. I noticed the other couples eye contact they had with each other. The funny thing is that in this couple, one of the guys reminded me of Jose... and i started to see us (in my mind) going to magic mountain as a couple and doing cute things in the line to make the time go by faster. haha... I just could not believe what i was seeing.. I was amazed, shocked, given hope, and encouraged that maybe one day i could have a love like the both of those couples. i could not stop staring... Usually i see the feminine latino guys.. which do not faze me at all.. but never have i seen two CUTE Masculine Latino Couples (basically everything i ever wanted in my significant other) visualized OUT in public so freely and non caring. It gave me hope... encouraged me... and made my day.. so whoever you guys were, dang i wish i would have met y'all... Thanks. :-)

Someones #1

Sitting here on this Sunday early morning just thinking. I can't fall asleep so I'm just thinking. I'm tired of being the last resort for people or just people taking advantage of me. I want someone who wants me for their first choice... not their last. It sucks feeling this way. Almost every encounter I have had I hand Ben made to feel that way. I guess that's why my self esteem is so low. I can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. What so I need to change though? Where do I start? How can one not feel like they are the last resort? Being ignored until they are ready to talk to me is never cool. I see it always go down like this. I smile.... but it hurts inside... bad. I give and give and expect the same in return. It's never like that. I just want to be someones #1.....but I guess it's time to just realize that's never going to happen.

Updated Post!

Oh My Gosh!!!! So much to tell but feeling soo lazy.. I went to SF. Pride this past weekend.. Met Fernando and met a new girl named Cassandra.. They were really cool. Then just working.. still needing a new job.. I'm tired of this one.. and just going through different feelings and emotions. Just dealing with me wanting to be in a relationship but not thinking i am ready. Scary thoughts. Me thinking since i am not the cutest i have to use my personality to maybe have someone interested in me. Just dumb stuff like that.. I say dumb because these thoughts do not help the situation at all.. so i am trying to still think positively.. Got a lot of work to do... But yea.. That's a quick update. Holla at y'all later!

I... Would...

I... Would... Love for someone to show me some attention... Cute texts... cute phone calls... cute visits....cute cuddling... cute kissing.... just plain cute... Love that.... I Would.

I find myself sometimes longing for the touch from even people who I know I can;t have... and THAT is where the problem might come in.

Overall though.. I just want to be touched on.. loved on... embraced on....

By someone else other than myself. Cuz my hand is getting a little tired.

(Darrick sighs and relaxes head on his hand)

I think it's my Turn... It's about that time...

I... Would... Love That.

Love That... I would.

It's Been Awhile

It's Been Awhile since I wrote in this thing. I figured it was about that time for an update. Well... I am officially Moved out of my momma's house.. It's been about a Month and so far soo good.. I mean... its a BIG ADJUSTMENT. I'm not used to it... and Frankly... I am a little scared...excited, and just plain ol' confused on how this thing is going to work. Being an adult is... very interesting. The hardest thing i believe as of right now is just feeding myself. I have not yet Cooked in my oven.. I BARELY cook on my stove.. I think I am scared.. I don't know why.. but I am. I somedays just go to bed hungry because I don't know what to eat. I know its all bad.. But something is really stopping me.. and I do not know what that is.
The space is nice.. big for just only me, but I need more closet space... I know I know.. you're probably thinking.. How can a guy have soo many clothes?!?!?! I have clothes for almost every occassion. Working out (old clothes), going Out to partuy (new clothes) and just clothes to lounfe around in (comfy clothes). And they all start to add up.. I have a pretty big closet, but i need more space.
The Neighbors and everything is nice. I am still getting adjusted to the people upstairs walking around and stomping on the ground liek they are some ELEPHANTS! hahaha. but I will get used to that soon.
Washing clothes will also take some getting used to because i am not used to spending money to wash. I don teven know where i can go to get $30 in quartes to Wash?!!?!? Gosh.. I don't think i was prepared for all of this...
And then the BILLS! Every week, there are things that I need to pay for, and I constantly wonder HOW people pay all these bills and still have money to do ANYTHING fun with. I mean all i have right now is my Carnote, my Cell phone bill, Gas and Electricity, My Car Speakers (Paid off NEXT MONTH, THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!) and my Charter Internet Bill... It comes down to being a lot of money being spent every month... Ohh not to forget my RENT BILL!!!! That alone will make someone cry.. but my mother wanted me out quick.. and this was the nicest area that was reasonable that I could afford. So I just took a leap of Faith and Jumped.

Now just to do that with the rest of my life...

Once again i feel stuck..

This voice gets Louder and Stronger everyday... Telling me to just QUIT my job and just turn my life upside Down. Make a change.. start doing what you want to do with your life and time... but fear of what will happen if things DON'T Go as planned kick in... I guess that's why they call it a leap of FAITH right.... gosh...

I would lik to go to this Spanish Immersion Program in PANAMA... I would like to be there for at least 3 months... But it would cost be at minimum 7,000 dollars :-/... plus I would have to be gone for three months.. What am I gonna do about my rent at home... and my Job! A sponser.. or grant, or SOMETHING would be AMAZING! I dream about speaking spanish... I love the language and the culture and the people... That would be a step in something that I would LOVE to do.. Nothing that NO ONE else whispered in my ear to do... but something I 100% thought of and want to accomplish.

I feel like I am living for other people and that is not a life anyone should live.. I want to do things because I want to do them... Not because people are telling me to.. I feel like everything in my life is because of something or someone else. Me Moving ahead of my scheduled move out date.. <--Mother wanted me out sooner. Me Having a Africana Studies Degree <--- Gov would not pay my school fees anymore if I did nto make it my Major study because I was taking too many Africana studies courses. Me Working in Workers' Comp <---Could not find a job and my Aunt pulled some strings and got me here... Now I am grateful for that... but I need this as a stepping stone to better things that I want to do, and not the end of the career path where I stay forever.
Me Not being on a Dance Team or dancing as much <---MY JOB Takes too much time and drains me by the end of the day...

My Life.. Work, Dance, Home, School all dictated by someone else.

It's time for me to take the strings of my life and pull them in the ways I want to go... Yes its Scary.. Yes its takes a lot of hard work... but I KNOW the rewards will be GREAT AND MASSIVE!!! and if they are not.. at least I WILL BE SATISFIED with how things turned out.. and not always regretting what COULD HAVE been.
cuz right now... Thats all I can think about...is What could have happened. :-(

Make the Change Darrick.. Make That Change.

I Dont Know

I see it...
When i'm singing or dancing in front of the Mirror...

I see it...

I see the confident, swagged out, fearless man staring back at me..

I see him.

I see the independent loving player on the streets, and freak in the sheets.

I see him.

I see the money making, no worries, loved by many, knows too many, handsome individual staring back at me.

I see him.

I see the warm and tender, while brave and tough Man Looking dead into my eyes while i'm grooving to the sounds of the tunes.

I see him..

He's tucked away.. But I see him.

Tucked away because of the hurt, and dissapointment I have placed on myself.

Tucked away, hiding, because of the pain I walked myself into.

Tucked away because of the time I let slip through my hands.

Tucked away because of my age.

Tucked away because of How I look.

Tucked away because of situations I know I should not have been in.

Tucked away because of fear.

Nestled, tightly away. suffocating, dying...

I see that man

Watching, waiting, anticipating, for the time when he will come out.
and I, the shy, fearfull, scared, lonely, coward will be tucked away forever.

Instead, I prepare more blankets to cover him with.

Fear, Scared of what people will think.

Scared of the New, Scared of the Unknown, Belittled into how I think Now. "I can't do better, this is it Darrick.. this is As Good as it's going to Get. Keep trying but you will not get anywhere.."

Thoughts like those are the blankets I am suffocating him with.

The thought of someone complimenting me along with the thought of no one complimenting me when I try my best, makes fear chills go down my spine. I can Never win. So I tuck him away. Under more and more blankets, making sure he is nice and comfy so he does not ever want to come out.

But....

I see him...

He's there inside. Staring back at me.

People always ask me Why I can't see what they see in me...

So maybe they can see him also...Maybe they do not know I see him. I see in Me what they see.

But I try soo hard to hide him

For what?

My Answer always to them is...."I Don't Know."

February 2013 Review

Ok. So i know this is coming 5 DAYS LATE but hey.. Better late then never right?! HAHA

So let's talk abotu my February..
Hmm... I had sex with a friend.. probably for the last time... just because it was soo dry and boring.. i felt like i was raping him.. That is not a good feeling to think you have to force someone to kiss and caress and hold and love you.. Not a good look on my part either.. because to me it seems i would rather have that then have nothing at all.. so.. I need to stop that!

The biggest thing that happened to me was i GOT AN APARTMENT!!!!!! I have not moved in as of THIS post.. But i Move in on March 16th... AHHH.. 11 DAYS AWAY!!! I instantly Knew when i walked up to the place that it was going to be where i lived.. the people.. the environment.. the Apartment.. and the amenities was what sold me! The Manager was even really nice so that is ALWAYS a plus! I was really tired of looking so i was relieved and glad when i got approved and i signed all them papers to get the apartment.. I am soo nervous though.. EVERYTHING is on me.. The gas, Electricity, the food, the cleaning.. EVERYTHING! I wont just wake up and Food is on the table waiting for me anymore.. :-( I gotta cook and do everything... It's time for me to put on my Big Boy pants though.. so I gotta step up!.. for my own good.... lol

I started looking for another job.. I need a new one.. a better one.. One that i am not sitting all day in front of a computer! One that I am not Bored out of my mind WAITING for someone to text or call me so that I can have some relief from the monotony that this job is... I applied at Universal and i also have a Good friend (thanks Mrs. Freda) Looking out for me at the Disney Corp. I also want to apply at Viacom... Entertainment is my calling.. I know it is!! I FEEL it! So I know one of those companies will be good...

Umm.. Valentines day was good.. Just chilled, went to work.. Was not depressed or anything. I mean, sure it would have been really cool to spend it with someone, but since i did not have that, I tried to make the most of it. :-) My mom made dinner for me and Terry, and Marsha got me some candy and Chocolate covered Strawberries and a card! It was nice.. So overall My valentine's day was chill and good....

Started talking to Jose again. Jose... man he just does something to me! I don't understand what it is... When I visit we talk for a while and just rally get to know each other and then comes the sex.. (not needed.. well sometimes... but greatly appreciated) I mean the Dick is AMAZING and he just teaches me soo much stuff sexually. The only thing with him is that he always has to be drunk... Literally.. we can not hang unless he is drinking.. He made that clear the times i wanted to visit and he told me "No" because he did not have any booze.. Now that sometimes makes me think that he can not deal with me unless he is drunk.. Maybe I am ugly to him.. I don't know.. I just hate that it is like that. I think... No.. I know.. He has some deep rooted issues he has to deal with.. and i believe that is where the drinking comes in. and I would like to be there for him.. He just has to let me in a little more. Time, I guess will tell.

This month did pack a lot of good things. I appreciated this month OF BLACK HISTORY AND LOVE... Now Let's see what March has for me.. I know it will be an Interesting Month! :-)

Random Frivolous Writing!

Ok. I am going to the store and then I am going to get some food and paper. And Then I am going to open up my Apartment and see who is in it. I do not know why I am writing it.. I guess I am trying to make it look like I am busy at work because my main BOSS is right behind me and I do not have anything to do. Funny I know. HAHA.. a mess for stalling and writing whatever comes into my mind, True or not true.

Oh Just to let you know.. the whole beginning of this blog is a lie.. I was just writing ANYTHING! hahaha

Ok. I guess I will stop so that it does not look like i am writing anything LONGER then what i usually write.. Y'all Take care!

Valentine's Day 2013

With this Year Valentine's Day Coming to A Close (or a start depending on how and What you are doing! ;-) ) I have to say this day was pretty easy.. I did not get sad or anything.. I actually enjoyed myself.. I did not do anythign special.. but i just enjoyed the company of me.. It's ok to be single on Valentines day.. Sure i would have loved to have a valentine.. but since I did not.. I tried to make the most of it.. Working and all.. haahah. If you have a Valentine, Enjoy.. and if you do not.. Still Enjoy! :-)

What Opportunities Have I Missed?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just be a bold individual, giving care to the wind, and just walking and telling people I Like them, or I can't stand them, or ANYTHING in general. I have a Major Filter and sometimes it leads me to miss out on things because I do not speak up or I become too scared to say something. I am always thinking about the consequences, and they usually override the benefits. (or so i think)

Take for example... I really think this guy is cute at my barber shop. Now I am not sure he is gay... But some people I know tell me that it really seems as if he is. Now he cuts my hair sometimes and I get all nervous and everything. I dont know what to say to him that is interesting enough to get him to start talking and telling me more about himself, So I can start figuring him out and seeing if we are even compatible to be friends. The barbershop atmosphere is not the place to be asking someone if they like Coochie or if they like Dick! so I have to be more subtle in my apprroach to that question...But how.. I rack my brain all the time with this question and nothing I come up with works.
I think... Just start a convo with him, but then I get nervous because I would feel everyone at the shop would be listening to our convo..
I think.. Maybe text him and go about talking to him that way.. But I think that is weird to try to build a friendship through text but when you actually see the person you dont actually talk to them. (Because of the fear of others hearing the convo)
**SIDENOTE** Why Was I all Geeked up and Excited when I got his NUMBER?! for real Darrick.. I was soo excited, and I asked him for it because I said I would call to see if he was busy the next time I needed a haircut.. Umm DUH I think ANY Barber would give you their number if it meant more business for them! Gosh Darrick.. I guess the simple things make me happy! But usually they are nothing to get excited over..
It's not like I asked him if he liked me and he said "Yes"! But then again.. If he is gay he might not even like me.. He might not like Tall, Black Guys. Guys with Glasses who are skinny with a weird shaped head.

But he Might... only He knows...

Even if he is straight to be friends with him would be cool also. He seems like a cool guy, but that's only from me observing him when I am at the barber. It's also good to have a barber friend if I am ever in a pickle and need my hair cut ASAP on like a Sunday or Monday. (since they are closed that day) Maybe he could make a house call and save a bro from the embarrassment of looking Unprofessional! At least I will have a nice Haircut! HAHAH.. Who knows!

But Either Way.. I am too scared to even say hello to spark up a friendship which could lead to maybe something more.. romantic or even good friends.

So... Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a Bold Individual, Not Afraid of Consequences, Throwing Caution to the Wind... Saying Hello.. to the Many Opportunities of Life.

The Moment I am Waiting For.

I would LOVE to start a relationship with someone with a couple of dates... simple... nothing major.. but each of us eventually knowing we are really into each other... But too afraid to tell the other...so we wait.. Patiently.. wishing, hoping that the other might make the first move... Slowly or Quickly building up anticipation... waiting for that moment... the moment where our minds are racing, hands sweaty, thoughts are everywhere...the moment where firworks will explode in our bodies, the world will stop... and it will just be me and him.. Nothing else will matter, for that brief moment in time... Everything will be at ease.. and we will both know...that this.... THIS is THE one.... The One That we have been waiting for... I'm waiting.....for that Moment... That quick moment in time....the moment that will start it all..the moment of the soft, ever so light, gentle.....first kiss.

Dry and Bored!

I have noticed that the last two guys I have been with.. either went all the way or just fooled around with... Have been soo dry and just plain out boring... I don't know what I am looking for.. But it SURELY is not that! I want someone to want to kiss me, and hold me... But also show me some new things.. I hate being bored.. I'm bored at work.. I'm bored at home... so the last thing i want is a BORING SEX LIFE.. and i know it is not me because I try to bring new elements and things into the mix, but it just gets shut DOWN.. I NEED SOMEONE WITH ADVENTURE AND EXCITEMENT.

JANUARY END OF THE MONTH REPORT!

So For 2013 I amd going to try and do a monthly report at the end of each month.

With it being January 31st... GOSH ALREADY...

It's time for the 1st Installment..

So Here We go!

JANUARY 2013.

Entered this New Year and Month with a lot of Goals.
Moving is still on my brain since the date is getting closer (March). Started officially Apartment Hunting and saw some really good places.. Some.. More expensive then others... But the ones I went to were all good... Now the next task is figuring out the little details of what i could live with and what I can not.. i.e. central air and heating.. yay or nay... Electic or Gas stove... all utilities paid.. or none at all.. and what is in my budget.

My mother and her husband went to Washington DC for the Inaugaration of President Obama and LEFT RIGHT after he was inaugarated (which was at the BEGINNING of the ceremony) They missed Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, and a whole bunch of other people performing.. Now WHY would you make that trip ALL THE WAY TO WASHINGTON DC.. and leave before the ceremony was over.. its BEYOND ME.. but my mother is weird.. very weird.. so i would not put that past her!

While she and her husband were gone i had Jesus come over so that we could spend some time together.. I had a lot of fun.. But i just wish he was into me more. :-(

Got DRUNK for the first time! Let him drive my car back drunk... Got a parking ticket... hmm.. what else happened that night.. oh yea.. threw up!!!! and then saw an accident happen that night! THAT was an experience I NEVER have to go through again!

Continued talking to Andrew J... It's not the same.. I am not even to try to make it the same as it was before... i don't want it the same as it was before... Something just told me to hit him up... so I did. I can already tell though, that this talking to him wont last. No effort from him it seems, so imma let it go.

Andrew Bogar just RANDOMLY started hitting me up again.. which was VERY weird.. because he calls me babe and baby, and cutie and all of that.. I dont know where he thinks its ok to call me all of those when I am not even into him and he knows it.. but if it makes him sleep better at night.. then whatever.. I know that this friendship is not turning into ANYTHING more then just that.. A FRIENDSHIP!

I am continuing to work out.. I like the workouts.. but I need to get bigger results.. and that comes from eating more.. but when I try to eat more.. I end up throwing up! :-( Sad i know...

I started going back to Debbie Reynolds Dance Academy... Man I get soo nervous everytime i go there.. I really don tknow why.. I guess i want to fit in soo bad that I start to get nervous because i feel like everyone is judging me.. and i know they are! HAHAHA! I always feel like i do HORRIBLE in class.. like my body is not doing what my mind is telling it to do.. or that i am not doing it correctly.. I REALLY want to be a successful dancer.. But i am letting doubts and everything creep in and it saddens me to no end. Nothing is impossible right.. so I know i can do it.. I just have to overcome this fear.. and maybe start my own form of dancing.. I dont know.. HAHAHA

Celebrated my Aunts Birthday this month.. and am still trying to figure out what to do for Marsha's Birthday.. I had something planned.. but with the moving and all the expenses i have.. i had to push it back.. so now for plan B.

Well that is my January 2013 Report.. Stay tuned for February!! :-)

Partner Let me Upgrade you..... NOT!!!!!!!!

As i sit here in these last 20 minutes of my work day, I decided to write a little bit. I have noticed that I am figuring out What kind of man I do not want. I have meant to write about this WEEKS ago but I never found the time.. Or was too tired by the time I got home. So I am writing it now.

I have been noticing that everyone I deal with on the Love issue is not on my level.. Now I am not saying I am better then anyone, but.. What I am saying is that the people I deal with can not bring ANYTHING to the table.. I.... ALWAYS have to do everything for them and it is DRAINING! Then I feel jipped because they do not really seem interested in me...(after i do all this stuff for them) Then brings on the depression because then I start to think I am ugly and unwanted and so on and so forth. I constantly find myself in that situation where I am feeling unwanted when all I am is there for whoever I am trying to get to know... I am always willing to help, and just putting my all into them, when in return.. I get nothing.. It's like a broken record.

I truly, am tired of it.

Tired of feeling like I am forcing someone to hang out with me.

Tired of doing things for them, It seems like they only hang out with me to DO THINGS for them (i.e. buying food, clothes, etc.)

Tired of not being treated with the same respect I give them.

Just tired of it all.

So...

It's about that time I step my Game up!

Know what I am worth and only show interest in someone who can actually bring something to the table... They wont even get a look from me unless they can show me they are worth my time.

Because I have wasted too much time, drained too much energy, and wasted too much of my precious life on all these other no good people...

I'm moving on up

And all these No Job, No Goals, No Car, Broke fellas are not gonna cut it.

Celebrating on MLK Weekend

So... This past weekend... WOW.. this past weekend...

So first of all it was THREE DAY WEEKEND (HOLLA!!!) So i seized the opportunity to have some "company" over for the weekend. I invited my friend Jesus over so we could spend some time together since my mother and her husband were going to be away.
I could not wait.. I was soo excited. (Plus I was SUPER HORNY so you know what was going down!)
I picked him up... Took him back to the house... we chilled ;-) and then just relaxed for the rest of the night. It was nice.

On Saturday I picked up Marsha and we three went to this place called "The Original Pancake House" <-- I believe that is what it was called. It is in Anaheim so it was a little bit of a drive but man was it worth it. I got this Cinnamon Apple Waffle thing.. WOW it was soooo good! Their Eggs were off the chain also!
Then I went apartment hunting. Went to Covina to Azusa then to Pasadena to look for apartments. Saw a couple thart might be potentials but i have to do a little more research on them before I decide anything else. The apartment that was in Pasadena around my job was AWESOME!!!!! But the only downfall was that it is $2,200 dollars a MONTH!!!! and i am not Beyonce or Jay-z Balling to be paying that much FOR A STUDIO!!!!!! now granted the studio was Nice.. But still.. For real?!?! Why soo much!!!
HAHAHA

Anyway.. After that this guy i met a couple months ago named Pierre had a going away party at Fiesta Cantina in West Hollywood because he is going on a trip to the bahamas. So I decided to go with Jesus and just get out! I do nto go out that much because the club and bar scene is really not my style of places to hang out at. Something usually happens that I do not like whenever i am at a place like a bar or a club. Which happened this noght also! Let me explain.

So we get to the bar and it was not really crowded. The crowd seemed calm and everything was just flowing smoothly. The had a 2 for 1 special ($15 dollars is not really, in my eyes, a 2 for 1 special cuz usually the drinks I drink are 7 dollars anyway.. but whatever haha) So i decided to order the first drinks for me and Jesus. I got us a Tokyo Tea. It was extrememly good but Jesus said it was really strong.. I did not think so and i Downed that thing like it was water! HAHA... Then Pierre and his sisters and friends showed up and we were all having a good time. I decided to get us another drink and i ordered an Adios! (Decided to keep my tab open at the bar.. keep that in mind ok) The Adios was also very good and i downed it like it was water.. I was still feeling fine and Interacting with everyone and just having a good time. Then Jesus ordered the last drink.. **tisk tisk tisk**** That was a mistake.. He came back with Rum and Coke... Now.. I had been on a Mainly Clear alcohol flow ALL DAY.. and he knew that.. I am sure he did.. so for him to come back with Rum and Coke! HAHA I should have known not to drink it.. but i did anyway.. and THAT MY FRIENDS is what MESSED ME UP!!! I noticed i started to become more touchy feely with Jesus and kissing him in public and things liek that.. I usually never do things liek that but dang.. i by this time... i was gone and did not even know it.
I then went to go use the bathroom.. i peed... then washed my hands...then politely and quietly... threw up in the trash can... and then what happened?!?!?! I GOT KICKED OUT THE BAR!!!!!!!!!!! HORRIBLE!!!!
Thank Goodness is was 1:30 am and the bar closed at 2 so all i had to do was wait for 30 minutes for Jesus to come out because he was not answering his phone when I attempted to call him. SO he walks out and we start walking to the car.. well i was stumbling to the car... and he asked me if i had my debit card.. and i told him no... So he went back and got my card for me.. While he was gone I sat on a curb and threw up a little more and just had my head down.. That's all i remember at that point in the story.. Jesus came back and had my card and id and we went to the car.. I was all over him because i could nto stand.. we then go to the car and he decided to drive.. Not grant you he had as much alcohol as I did, so he was basically on the same level as me. Horrible.. i told him to lay down and just sleep for a bit, but he wanted to get me home... So off we went.. I was too gone to even be scared!!! I remember him talking on the phone and also Playing with my dick (I guess in order to keep himself up!) while he was driving me home. Then right when we were on my street we saw someone Get into an ACCIDENT!!! It was a HIT AND RUN and involving an OLD LADY!!!! This guy hit her and then kept going!! So Jesus Decided to stop and then go out and help the lady! It was really nice of him.. I could not do anything but sit and watch.. even when the cops were there I just could not do anything but sit and observe. They asked me a few questions but thank GOODNESS they did nto do any kind of alcohol test on me! I had to drive the rest of the way home because Jesus was feelign really down about seeing the accident. But i was less then a 4th of a mile away from my house so I was good.

The next Day we woke up and i did not really have a hangover.. just my stomach was hurting..Jesus told me i recieved a Parking ticket in Hollywood :-/ and Marsha decided to come over and bring us some smoothies.(oh by the way marsha did not go to the bar with us because she had to work, but she was PISSED she missed me drunk HAHA) and we hung out all on Sunday.. sitting and laughing and just having a good time.. we went to Chevy's and then just chilled some more... After Marsha left me and Jesus decided to "Chill" some more before bed, and then we slept like babies... I like having someone in the bed with me... It feels nice. :-)
On Monday morning I dropped Jesus home and then just to home and slept some more. Marsha came over again and i showed her how to make a Peach Cobbler.. It came out pretty good. :-) And my mother and her hisband came home around 8:20 at night (WAY EARLIER THEN EXPECTED) Heard a little bit about her trip and then knocked out..

Now I am at work writing this post because i really want to remember this weekend forever.. i had a good time.. but Yea.. never again will i be that drunk in public..I was a total mess.. a little embarrassed and just not able to function was a little scary for me.. So.. Now i know my limits.. Get it together Darrick! HAHA..

But overall I had an AMAZING Weekend filled with people i enjoy hanging with...

Glad i got to experience that.. 2013!!! WOW ALREADY.. What else you have in store for me?!

First Post of 2O13!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! (11 DAYS LATE) hahaha

First off i would Like to say WELCOME TO 2013!!!!! I have NO IDEA what is in store for me but I am going to embrace everything with Open arms. Know that its a learning experience and keep it pushing! :-)

Ok. Now since the new years started I have taken a dance class.. YAY! CONTINUED working out.. i am seeing results :-) and started the process of finding a place to move.. I can say I have done a lot in the past 11 days... I am excited to see where i am going to move though.. Still nervous.. But i am excited...

No onto something different. Just a thought. i will not dwell on it.. but just a thought i have seen in the past 11 days also.

I have a friend who is married.. and his husband is pushing him away. Its a weird situation but as he was explaining the sitatuion He said "All I want to do is spend time with him"

That got me thinking....

I would Love to Have someone i Love or even just Like just want to spend time with me! Connect with me! Just want to be in the same area as me. Have that feeling of "I can't wait to see him" when we are apart. I would LOVE THAT!!!!

The older i become the more i see that People do not appreciate the good they have until it is gone. My Freind is a really good guy. i really dont understand why his husband is pushing him away.

But anyway!

I hope everyone had an AMAZING NEW YEARS and i will holl aat this blog Later!!!!

PEACE! 2O13!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOL. :-)