I'm Looking.... and Getting Tired.

I'm lookin for someone to hold onto
I'm lookin for you, I'm lookin for you, I'm checkin for you
I'm lookin for someone that I can trust
I'm lookin for you, I'm lookin for you, and baby it's you
I'm waitin on you to say those words
I'm waitin for you, I'm waitin for you, I'm patient for you
I'm thinkin bout how it would be at night
You holdin me tight, you squeezin me tight all through the night

I've been all around
I said I been here and there and everywhere
And I have not yet found you
But until then I know my heart is true
But I can't wait, anticipate, it's getting harder
So much love inside, and I still have not yet found
Someone for me, truly for me

I gotta quit foolin myself
Thinking I'm gonna be fine, wastin my time
I wanna be like everybody else
I wanna fall, I wanna see, what about me
Will I ever fully be complete
I know there's someone waitin for me
So if you're listenin, baby rush right over
Cause I need you next to me

I've been all around
I said I been here and there and everywhere
And I have not yet found you
But until then I know my heart is true
But I can't wait, anticipate, it's getting harder
So much love inside, and I still have not yet found
Someone for me, truly for me

If I could trade my fame and all my jewelry
You know that I would cause it don't mean nothing to me, babe
All I need is the warmth of a man, the strength of his hand
Let me sing it again

If I could trade my fame and all my jewelry
You know that I would cause it don't mean nothing to me, babe
What I need is the warmth of a man, the strength of his hand
Let me sing it again

I've been all around
I said I been here and there and everywhere
And I have not yet found you
But until then I know my heart is true
But I can't wait, anticipate, it's getting harder
So much love inside, and I still have not yet found
Someone for me, truly for me.......


Nicole Wray "I'm Looking"


This is EXACTLY where i am at right now...
I just don't know who that "You" is.
I thought I had finally found who it was.. but.....
It wasn't.
So.....
I am looking.. and I'm getting tired... it's a process i do not want to continue to go through... It's the same procedure.. I like someone.. but can't have them for one reason or another... So i ultimately end up depressed and hurt..
It's a sad searching process.. But when i try to change it.. I still get the same result.. I can't have them...So i'm looking.. But i am continuously getting more and more tired. to where eventually it seems i will give up on love for me altogether.
It's messing with my confidence....
Its messing with my emotions...
Its messing with Me.
I need to get out and find someone.. Meet different people..
But i do not want to go through this same procedure again.. I'm tired.. I want this search to be over... even just for a little bit... Can a guy find someone who is not a Homophobe... STRAIGHT, Have Random Extreme Issues or TAKEN! It's getting redundant.
I want someone who likes me for me...
Not just for sex.. That's getting old also.. I see younger guys having the time of their life with their significant other and i think "what do they have that I do not have?" its frustrating...
And tiresome.
My soul is longing to have that connection with someone to love and hold and chill and encourage and just be there.
I don't think i am asking too much...
I really don't....
Some say it's not my time....
Well I say...
My Time is running out...
And before it runs out.. I just once want to feel what Love feels like...
I don't know what it is....
I've never had it
I never felt it...
Just false love that lasted maybe 2 min to 6 hours.
That's it....
I'm starting to think thats all i deserve.. Fake love..
Not worthy of real true love.
Not worthy of it..
Wow that some powerful stuff right there...

the more the days go by...
the more i lose hope...

Hopefully that "You" comes into my life before i completely shut down and Lose all hope...
To the point to where if someone does come into my life I am completely shut off to them.

I wanna love, but the more i live. the thought of someone loving me back fades more into the darkness.

The Disease and The Cure

Its real... and it's killer....



So not until just recently have i realized how much my cell phone is really like my lifeline to my friends... I notice that I sit and wait for someone to call or text me. If i do not get a call or a text in like a span on five hours i think something is wrong... Like my service is not working or whatnot...
Yesterday I was out with a friend and while i was waiting for them i was sitting in my car... bored.. sitting in the dark... listening to music just looking at my phone... Looking at how blank it was with no new messages or anything.... I kept clicking the side button with the hopes of me once pressing it and it saying "New text message from_________" But it didn't....
I called like 6 different people just to talk and to see what they were doing... But no one answered...
I left messeges.. But no one called me back...
I text plenty of people... And not one of them text me back... Everyone was busy with their own lives that they could not entertain a bro for a couple of minutes..
A simple "Hello, im busy now but what's up" or something like that would have sufficed... But i got nothing..
Left me feeling a little lonely...
I did have one person who text me about an hour after i was sitting in my car, but it was after what seemed like a cry of desperation when i said "I have not had a text or call in about 5 hours" that they text me and told me "I'm still with my manager".
That text let me know they were having fun, and kind of not to bother them until they get back at me.. But when would that be? and how long would i have to wait..
At that VERY second i realized... I get lonely a lot and usually no one comes to help... and I have anxiety about it!!!
ANXIETY! a mess right...
Why do i sit and let a simple text or phone call make me feel better? Why can i not make myself feel better? why am I depending or relying on someone else to send me a text or calling to see what I am doing.
Why does that simple gesture mean the world to me..
and why can't anyone understand that?
Its not them.. it's me.. I need to get away from electronics and just be me by myself...
I think i just do not like being alone.. or feeling like my efforts to reach out are all for not...
Why does being in contact with people make me happy...why can I not make myself happy?
i do the same thing with facebook.. always refreshing my page to see if someone left me a comment in the last 5 SECONDS...
i have a problem... I need to fix it...
Solution....
Get something to keep me busy for a long time so that I do not have time to care or think about my phone or the internet or reaching out to people...
I need to make myself Busier then what I am....
And not care.....
What does that sound Like.......
Sounds like a Job..
Now on the hunt...
Yea.. Let's Hope a Job cures this Disease of Anxiety.

Feel

Is feeling it... But really wishes he was Feeling "IT".

Grasshoppa Knows!

So i continued to talk to grasshoppa and they do know the feeling of being alone...
I forgot all the things they went through...
Wow... the only reason they know how it feels to be moist is because they have been extra dry before.. people leaving.. dissing, and not wanting to be their friends really made changed their prospective...
Wow.. i forgot..
So they do know...
FOR SOME REASON
i did not think other people went though my situation.. How could i think that?
But they really did go through a lot...
And they know how it feels to be alone....
I just met them when everything is right...
So its hard to see the struggle that they went through in order to get to the point they are at today!
So... Maybe Grashoppa can help me out of this situation...
Coach me on how to get a little moisture in my life!
Thanks..
Grasshoppa you cease to amaze me with your awesomeness!!!!!

Feeling alone Grasshoppa?! Really?

So today i woke up a little uneasy seeing that my friend decided to go offline all of a sudden and just not say bye or anything.. Now i know some of yall might think... What's wrong with that... Well.. its bad cuz then i start to think the worst.. like something happened to them or something... I need to work on that.. I think the worst.. when i need to be thinking positive.
I went to Breed practice today.. we cleaned the routine.. it was cool.. only a few people were there... but we got things done nonetheless...

I was talking to Grasshoppa today and they were telling me that they knew the feeling of being alone... and i do not think they really know the feeling of being ALONE in a relationship when they have been in one for years.. Unless they are talking about emotionally alone then i can see where they are coming from... But i do not think they know the feeling of being emotionally, and physically alone for your whole life.. Its a whole other experience... Its not fun..

I feel like i am a dry cracked up desert that gets only a cap full of water every one to two years... Maybe.......

And they have been a flowing stream with lots of fruit and grass and fish for YEARS!!!!

I think they were trying to relate.. which is GREATLY appreciated.. but lets be real... Im dry.. You Moist.. And appreciate that moistness...cuz many people do not get to experience it.

Being dry like this

You find yourself whoring yourself out there whenever you get the chance for the smallest amount of moisture..Moisture that is not suffiecient enought to make ANYTHIGN grow because you dont have enough of it.. Whatever you water will just become dry again...and probably even more dry after you gave it that little bit of Moisture

And that little bit is

Not good on your self esteem.. you think less of yourself....
You crave it....
You need it...
You want it...
But how can you miss something you never really had?
I dont know.. But i know I miss it....
Imma get back to y'all on that Question.. HAHA.

I always thought i was stronger then what i really am... That was made evident in my last situation..
I told myself "Do not do anything... No matter how much you want to.. do not do anything... but when it was in my face i caved in and melted on them like they were ice cream and I was their caramel!!!!!! Yummy! I do nto regret it at all.. it was nice.. but..

I told myself i wasn't going to do things with certain individuals.. and i find myself doing them... HAHAHA... Take that EXACTLY how it sounds!
And i get mad at myself....
Imma try this thing called Holding out...
I know i have said it before...
But i really have to do it now...
If i value myself and who i am...
And what I got.
I will hold out for me!!!
I want to build anticipation
And want...
It will happen one day
But Darrick Hold Out...
Hold Out
HOLD OUT!!!!!

Maybe if i keep telling myself that it will actually Happen!

Being New and the Joys of Being Shallow

I'm new to this... 

Not bloging..

But new to the site....

So be patient with me... 

Thanks

But i had a Xanga.. and still do.. I have  Myspace.. and Facebook and now this.. I post my blogs on One or ALL of those sometimes...

My friend told me to get one of these.. so I told him i would try it out.. 

No hard in trying it right!!

And plus I LOVE blogging.. 

So i think me and This site will become good friends..

I think imma be a little more open on this site then i am on the other sites because I know not as many people will be viewing this site..

So this site is like  A journal WITHIN my journal... 

My Personal PERSONAL deep feelings and emotions...

YAY.. I love it already...

But here is a Blog i wrote earlier today on Facebook.. Just to get me started on here.. 

Hope you like.

Not deep.. yet..

But just like an Introductory post..

lol

We will get to the Deep things Later. :-)

The Joys Of being Shallow

Big Sigh Of relief.....
So my lip is still swollen... But I got some medicine
Went to the Doctor....
So its getting better...
Still Hurts sometimes though....
Infections are not fun....
No... Not at all
HAHA...

Everything else is checking out Nicely...

Yesterday I went to Halloween Haunt at Universal Studios...
Took my Cousin and her friend... Both are 13...
It was their first time going...So it was fun seeing them get scared
WHAT I DID NOT EXPECT
was for me to be jumping so much.
and to have your cousins all up on you and pushing you when they got scared
makes things worse!
From the time i got in i was frightened!
A mess right!
But i had a good time...

Went to Denny's... 
Unfortunately had a waiter that did not really speak english or 
UNDERSTAND english that much
I mean...
I know she is trying to make that paper like the rest of us
But maybe she should go into something more suitable for her not being able to speak english
Cuz me having to repeat myself plenty of times and having to POINT OUT on the menu what i want instead of me telling her is not a good look on her Tip.
Not a good look at all!!!!!
Got in the house at 5 a.m.. was sleep by 530 a.m....
Had to get up by 8 a.m.
Text some friends throughout the day....

Oh... Big Ups to my friend Andrew for getting his new cell phone... FINALLY...
He needed a replacement phone and ordered one.. but SOMEONE STOLE IT from right in front of his house.. the UPS or fed ex people shipped it and left it in front of his door...That was dumb on THEIR BEHAVE! and SOMEONE TOOK IT.... :-/ HORRIBLE I KNOW... If only people Loved a little more...
I guess someone needed it more then he did.. But that is STILL Ridiculous and Scandalous Nonetheless... 
It's ok though.. Karma's a WIATCH! 
But Welcome back to the Digital Phone WORLD man.......
I'm sure everyone appreciates you being back.
HAHAHA

I usually do not tag people or mention names... But i had to because he went through a lot without his cell phone...Being Frustrated.. Having to ask someone else to borrow thier cell phones for the day Just so that he could keep in contact with his ride to or from home...People not being able to get a hold of him if it was an emergency.. People being stressed out thinking something bad happened to him cuz they could not get in contact with him for DAYS!.. Wow.. I never knew how important phones are to the WORLD!!!! DANG.. WHAT DID THEY DO IN THE 1980'S and 90's... CAN YOU IMAGINE STILL HAVING A BEEPER?! HAHAHAHAHAHA.....
So I wanted to acknowledge him and congratulate him on FINALLY getting another Cell phone.. cuz he was DYING without ONE! lol (Shoot, i know i would be going out my mind without mine).. LOL.. Let's Hope your Cell phone troubles are NOW over!

Anyway
Went and taught some kids a routine for a show they are doing.. 
It was fun.. BUT IT WAS SOOO hot!!!!!!!! We were dancing in a garage!!! I thought i was in an oven!!!
Wait....This is October Right?

Let me check real quick....

(checking)...



(Checking).....


RIGHT! IT IS! 

Imma Need for it to stop feeling like JUNE!!!!

HAHAHAHAHA


Came home at around 4 p.m..... was sleep by 430 p.m.... and then woke up at 915 p.m.!!!!! 
wow.. i needed that rest.. but i am still sleepy...
Tomorrow i plan on going to church...
let's hope that works out.. 
then i have breed practice and then "Studying"
Thats my weekend in a nutshell...


Decided to not go all Emo and Deep on yall today...
Keep it shallow sometimes so that yall have a whole array of posts that yall could pull from if y'all need help or encouragement or anything like that..
Cuz, contrary to popular belief, i am Not depressed or Emo all the time... 
I use to write and just post what i did that day ALL the time.. But i felt it bored people...
and sometimes when i re-read my posts like this.. I MYSELF get bored.. LOL... 
But i have not done this is a while.. so I decide to document my weekend for yall...

On a little deeper note.

I miss certain Individuals..
I don't want to deal with Certain Individuals
I wanna see certain individuals...
I wanna hold certain Individuals....

But all in time.
Everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

Smile.
Cuz You got a beautiful one.

I think i'm hooked.... 
Just waiting for you to reel me in.

Easier said then done though.

Certain Individuals know who they are.

Yea.. you know who you are.

© Darrick F. 2OO9