The Problem Is.....

This week I started singing again in the choir at my old church (Friendship Baptist Church). Gosh I've Missed it... It felt like Home, something I've Longed to be back in for a great deal of time... the Problem is... The More I get back into church.. the more I have to shove myself Back Into The Closet.

Masculine Latino Gay Men.

Today I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and i saw the cutest thing. It was 2 latino Gay Couples... I saw them in the line for X2 and i really could not believe my eyes. They were both MASCULINE gay couples... Now i am not sure how long these couples have been together but the chemistry that was shared between both couples made my heart melt. I really just wanted to stare and follow them for the rest of the day.. One couple was hugged up sometimes and one of the men laid his head on the other... though not long... sufficient enough to say that he loved and cared for the other. I noticed the other couples eye contact they had with each other. The funny thing is that in this couple, one of the guys reminded me of Jose... and i started to see us (in my mind) going to magic mountain as a couple and doing cute things in the line to make the time go by faster. haha... I just could not believe what i was seeing.. I was amazed, shocked, given hope, and encouraged that maybe one day i could have a love like the both of those couples. i could not stop staring... Usually i see the feminine latino guys.. which do not faze me at all.. but never have i seen two CUTE Masculine Latino Couples (basically everything i ever wanted in my significant other) visualized OUT in public so freely and non caring. It gave me hope... encouraged me... and made my day.. so whoever you guys were, dang i wish i would have met y'all... Thanks. :-)

Someones #1

Sitting here on this Sunday early morning just thinking. I can't fall asleep so I'm just thinking. I'm tired of being the last resort for people or just people taking advantage of me. I want someone who wants me for their first choice... not their last. It sucks feeling this way. Almost every encounter I have had I hand Ben made to feel that way. I guess that's why my self esteem is so low. I can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. What so I need to change though? Where do I start? How can one not feel like they are the last resort? Being ignored until they are ready to talk to me is never cool. I see it always go down like this. I smile.... but it hurts inside... bad. I give and give and expect the same in return. It's never like that. I just want to be someones #1.....but I guess it's time to just realize that's never going to happen.

Updated Post!

Oh My Gosh!!!! So much to tell but feeling soo lazy.. I went to SF. Pride this past weekend.. Met Fernando and met a new girl named Cassandra.. They were really cool. Then just working.. still needing a new job.. I'm tired of this one.. and just going through different feelings and emotions. Just dealing with me wanting to be in a relationship but not thinking i am ready. Scary thoughts. Me thinking since i am not the cutest i have to use my personality to maybe have someone interested in me. Just dumb stuff like that.. I say dumb because these thoughts do not help the situation at all.. so i am trying to still think positively.. Got a lot of work to do... But yea.. That's a quick update. Holla at y'all later!