My 2009 in Review. Goodbye 2009!

Wow!!!! 2009... Gone!!!!

Thoughts of the year...

Ok.. So in January I tried out for Breed.. Jan 4th to be exact... I was soo nervous but Excited at the same time.. I honestly did not think i was going to make it .. but someone saw potential in me and Made a SPOT ON THE TEAM FOR ME!!! yay!!! I was ECSTATIC!!! Y'all have NO idea how Happy I was... Performed with them for the first time on Jan 25th and then had my Horrible Accident! Hydroplaned my car and Flipped it over twice. Landed on the hood and i had to crawl out in the mud and all i could do was THANK GOD i was ok... All i had was a scratch from the seatbelt. (WOW.. IM SPEECHLESS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW)... Needless to say the car was Totaled, and i had 9 more payments to pay it off.. man... but February comes along and I get my new Car.. A 2009 TOYOTA Corolla Sport!!!! YAY!!! I love it..It's Gray and it the business!!!!!!! Got it on Feb 13th to be exact. Love it.. (why did I JUST put the plates on a week ago! haha) Then my mother goes out the next day and gets a new Toyota Camry!!!! wow!! Thank God!

I was traveling all around with Breed during the spring months.. Like to Chicago (First time going there By myself with NO family.. Exciting but nervous at the same time!) and Las Vegas.. I had a great Time there with Breed!

School was going great.. I ended school in May with a 3.75! (WHAT WHAT!!! THE HIGHEST OF MY COLLEGE LIFE!) I would have got a 4.0 but i got a B in DANCING... IN DANCING!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! haha...

The summer rolls around and I am content with life. I am practicing with breed and we are doing big things.. Then We go to The bay...

And that's when 2009 started to turn for the worst.

I went from being a Happy Optimistic Darrick to a Depressed, Solemn, Gloomy, Quiet Darrick.

I learned about cliques and the ranks people put themselves in without the consideration of others. I shut myself off from Family and Breed. Meaning i was not as open as i should have been. It sucked feeling alone and depressed with no one to turn to. My back and neck started to pain me more and more. The pain was sometimes Unbearable but i pressed through dancing anyway. Throbbing back and neck pain that would sometimes make me want to curl in a ball and cry.

August... My mother's birthday and still seeing people's true colors. I started my LAST YEAR OF SCHOOL! YAY!!! GET IT!!!!! 5TH YEAR SENIOR! HAHA! Met someone that would change my life.... Forever....

September...(SIGH) September... Gosh.. what can i NOT say about september...

Well.... I taught my FIRST BOOGIEZONE CLASS!!!! I liked it!! Loved it actually.. can't wait to get another class.. (thanks Elm) Went to the Breed retreat.... Had a lot of fun there.. even though it did not seem like it cuz i was still shut off from people.. Learning about myself and others. But i had a great time....Learned that weekend that shutting off is not good at all.. and only isolates you more... While i was there i started to talk to the individual that changed my life via text and phone calls.....

We had soo much in common.. it was like they were my other half!!!!!!! (wow.. never met someone who made me feel like that) They made my gloomy life have a ray of sunshine in it.. Corny.. but true :-)

My 23RD BIRTHDAY!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Was talking more and more to that individual...

October.... yea... October... Was still in my funk but this individual was bringing out the best of me.. I loved talking to them and seeing them would light up my day. I loved the E-mails we had.. haha.. October was a great month.. I wish i could have one night back to relive... but.. its ok... I then was back and forth in the hospital, for minor things... nothing major, but i did not mind cuz that special individual was emotionally there to hold my hand. :-) .. I was scared.. but i would never tell them that.. but i thank them for being there...

But that is also when things between me and that individual started to go downward....

November.. They told me "I like you.. but i Love them"....Yea... My heart broke into a million pieces to the point where i cried myself to sleep for the next few weeks after that...

...talking to someone in a relationship is all wrong.. dangit..

Had my Heart played with and toyed with... never again will that happen in a situation like that...

I learned.

Enter the depression.. seclusion, regret. and Hurt. My grades started to slip.. I did not care about myself.. I found myself thinking about them ALL THE TIME! wanting them.. wondering what they man had that i did not have.... started to have a deep hatred for their man..

But i caught myself and changed that anger to jealousy.. and from Jealousy back to hurt. and from hurt to being fine with it. I realized they are not mine... and that's ok.. there are other fish in the sea... so go after the other fish! haha

Talked to some people on Breed and they helped me out with my issues.. HAHA..

December... Performed my last set of the year with breed.. Basically all of Core is leaving Breed and it is a sad site to see.. dang.. But i know next year is going to be the bidness! :-)

I then was content and ok with seeing the one who changed my life with their boo. the pics, and the talks about them did not bother me as much. its amazing how one person can alter the path of your love life forever.. Cuz before i met them i was fine.. and then they came in and re-arranged my WHOLE thoughts.. but now i can not see myself without them in my life.. even just as friends (which is what we are now) I also got in my first relationship.. Yay!!!! thanks Boo.. see you later tonight...

I also realized how people Settle and stay with people for comfort and convenience... and I never want to be in that situation.. and if i ever get in that position to get out Quick.. cuz that's a waste of both parties time! (eww... WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?! HAHA) In December i realized how i give myself to people too much.. I am always there for everyone else, and no one is there for me....

So.. that will be changed in 2010.. No more always saying Yes..

Imma do and say what i need to say...

It's time for Darrick to be selfish...

I have many memories of 2009... This is the year that I have learned the most about myself in my life soo far....

I wonder what 2010 has in Store for me! I'm ready!!!! Hopefully I get my stuff together and other people i care about get they stuff together and realize the Real....

No more being Charmin for me...

I'm ready.. 2O1O And A new decade here is COME!!! YAY!!!!!!!

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru :-)
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

___________________________________________

I had a dream yesterday and it filled me with soo much joy and excitment..But was soo evil and wrong at the same time...This dream came out of Nowhere....

It's actually quite funny...

So i was over a friends house and i was just over there to visit.

I don't remember What made me go over there but i was over visiting Nonetheless....

i think i was helping him with something.. I think homework... Im not sure though..

ANYWAY. So i was sitting there talking to him when all of a sudden we were Kissing... and rubbing.. and (cough cough) doing the most.....

This went on for about, i say, 10 minutes and then the clothes came off...

we were still doing the whole foreplay thing but it was almost time for the real action to go down, when all of a sudden we heard the FRONT door OPEN.. (Not to be confused with the door to the room we were in) So I leaped Off of the fine body that I was on and he said "Hide under the bed!!! HIDE UNDER THE BED!!!!" (Not a good idea!) so i Slide under the bed naked with my underwear in my hand, but when i get under the bed i REALIZE i have NO room to move.. So i am just chillen on the floor. (Right Charmin... Right!) I'm Like CRAP! (but why was i soo quick to get off that body and slide under the bed. what or WHO could be coming through that front door?! Then the door to the room we were in opened..

Excited and all, the Guy walking through the door was like. "What's up BABY!!!! How was your day and proceeds to give the CHEATING guy a kiss

(BABY?! thats right... the dude in is a RELATIONSHIP! and i will call the dude i was with cheating guy, just to help you distinguish between the two guys, there is cheating guy, and then there is Guy (His Boyfriend).. aiight.. HAHA)

So Cheating guy, all hesitant and all, is like "HEY BABY!!! I....I..... I did not know you would be home soo soon."

"Oh, They let me off Early today because they were overstaffed. I don't mind though, i'm just glad I am home to see my Baby," said Guy.

Cheating Guy responded with "Oh.. I was just about to hop in the shower because...because........, because........I just got done exercising..." (Me Being under the bed i was thinking at this time that Ol' boy's excuses were weak and he could have done better then that lame lie...... especially with all that Hesitation he was doing.. I realized at that moment he was not a pro at the game of cheating and i would have to come and clean up this mess... (Charmin)....All of this convo and some more was going on while i was under the bed naked grabbing my underwear with all my might trying not to bring attention to myself)

Guy was standing in the frame of the door with PERFECT sight of me if only he looked downward. I was trying to move more to the other side of the floor under the bed so that i could get out of sight, all while trying not to draw attention to me...

But then the unspeakable happened..

He spotted me...

It seemed like he knew who i was but was not trying to let Cheating guy know he knew what was up... Guy and cheating Guy proceeded to talk for what seemed like 10 extra minutes (all the while guy was eyeing me every now an again just to make sure i was still there.)

Cheating guy said "I need to get some clothes out the dryer" and left out the door. Now I'm stuck under the bed while his boyfriend, Guy, was like "Aiight, I'mma stay here and handle some business real quick" The door closes and Guy walks over to the bed... kneels down (all the while i am sweating bullets!!!!) looks under the bed.. sees me... and then tries to Go OFF!!!!!!

I, being someone that is slow to anger calmly get out from under the bed, get off the floor, put my boxers and pants back on. (all the while Guy is screaming at me), put on my shirts, walk up to him, look him dead in the eyes, and say "It's not my Fault your man Don't Want You... Anymore."

Silence.....

Guy Finally stopped screaming as that Realization started to Hover over his spirit like a Black Plague...

Me knowing this... I proceed to say "This is not the first time either"

Cheating Guy then runs back in the room, Stops....Sees me staring into Guys Tear filled eyes, but realizes he can not do anything..

Cheating Guy looks stunned that I am not under the bed anymore, he looks at Guy (who is still in shock that i revealed to him that obvious revelation), he looks at me, he looks at Guy, he Looks at me, as I walk over to Him, Give him the most passionate kiss of his life, tell him "See you again Soon Baby, Our Normal spot right?" He Looks shocked but has no words..... And I Walk Out.

Leaving them to deal with the broken pieces of their already broken relationship...

______________________________________________________________________

End of Dream!

WOW! I Shocked Myself! WOW!

How could i come up with a dream like that!

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true.

Now i do not wish for that to come true...

But there are deeper meanings in that story that I wish did come true.. Read between the lines... and Realize...

That dream was Mad Wicked!

Dang.. that was exciting!

I do not wish to be in that situation in real life, cuz thats shady.. But some things i do want to tell people. But they have to realize it for themselves..

Wow.. Im still trippen on that dream! Why would I dream that....

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

My rainbow.... my rainbow.... my rainbow....

I'm gonna keep having faith and believing, but i am still grieving, but hopefully one day my dream that i wish in my heart will come true.. Thanks Cinderella.

Read Between the Lines.

You say you mean good for me
But you don't do it
You say you have a plan but you just don't go thru with it
You say you know the way to go
And I should follow
But all of your empty promises
Leave me hollow

And oh
How do I trust you
How do I love you
When you
Lie to me repeatedly
And oh
How do I have faith, in you
When you just don't come thru
Like you say you could

Oh, say can you see

You say that I'm wrong for
Stating my opinion to you
You say that I'm wrong and there'll be quiet consequences too
But I know my rights babe
There'll be no law abridging
The freedom of my speech
Or the right for me to petition for a remedy of grievances

And I want to trust you
I want to love yeah
But you lie to me repeatedly
And oh I want to have faith in you
But you just don't come thru
Like you said you could
Oh say can you see
Hmmm

I want fresh fruit, clean water,
Air that I don't see
I want the feeling of being safe on my streets
I want my children to be smarter than me
I want, I want to feel
I want to feel, I want to feel free
For real ya'll
I'm just telling you so you know
I want to, I want to have faith in you
I really do but you keep lying to me
It hurts
I believe, I believe you owe it me
Give it to me like you said you would
Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Oohh say can you see
Hmmm
By the dawn's early light

"My Petition"- Jill Scott

Darrick Charmin F.

I need to Change my name to Charmin, Cuz I Wipe, Clean, and Put up with Everyone's ISH!

For a friend.

"Sometimes I don't know what to do in regards to friendships... Should I let it go and end a friendship that means a lot to me?.. or Stay because I'm needed but unappreciated at the same time... :-( Why do we go through these ups and downs all the time... It hurts and it is tiring... I just want you to know that I am there.. by your side...

How is it that YOU do wrong and I end up feeling bad?! I should be cursing you out and saying to Heck with the friendship... maybe i am stupid for being there soo much when all i get in return is...... nothing......

But i see it seems like you need me.. Maybe.. Maybe not...and for whatever reason Something is telling me to stay...

Even though at times i feel like I'm A Ghost (Ghost By Kevin Michael) i still am By Your Side (By Your Side By Sade)...

Something is telling me to stay.. You have come into my life and SHOOK IT UP so much that I don't think i can put it back together without seeing you as a friend.... You've come and blended and made yourself such a part of the pieces of my life that i can not put them back together without you being there.

(This sounds like a love note.. HAHA.. but its a friend note)

This is a note showing you how much i care about you, that I would go as far as being rude to my date just to make sure you were doing ok...

And for you to tell me that i was not there when you needed me..Hurt...bad... I FEEL i was the most there for you even when you said i wasn't... Who was there up with you when you needed help all throughout the night? Who was there not laughing at you, but wanting to help you anytime you needed it. Up helping you when i could have said "I got my own issues, you do you and imma do me" like you have said to me before.

I was there.. Not your boyfriend.. not your other friends.. I was.. and for you to give credit to your boyfriend like he was there (emotionally and physically helping you) all the time through this like i was... Hurt... (I know he did something in the END that helped you pass, but its the little things throughout the process that count.. right?)

I am there WHENEVER you need me. You say i do not understand.. but everything you say i don't understand i do... I just don't tell you and shove it down your throat that i understand.. I understand that you are doing the best that you can.. that you work... that you are going to school... that you are trying to make your relationship with your boyfriend work, that you are trying to get your body back to where you want it to be, that you want more friends to be around you, that you do not have enough time in the day to do everything for everybody, that you love music, that you want to be successful, that you're stressed because of making money and wanting to live comfortably, that you love your 13in Macbook pro!,I understand that you LOVE NIP/TUCK!!! That you LOVE dancing....that you want to get back into it...That you LOVE DOING HAIR and are really good at it... That you miss your close best friends dearly, and how some of them have changed... that you Want to make everyone happy, but then realized that you cant. I understand that you are trying to figure out what you are going to do with your life, that you are not happy with your life right now (but it will get better), i understand that you are afraid of change cuz you do not want anything bad to happen. I understand that you try to care about everyone. I understand that you are finding out Who Andrew is.. I understand that you try to be a Hard @ss but you cant cuz your heart is too big for you to be mean. I understand you felt and sometimes still feel neglected from everyone.. many times you feel misunderstood. many times you want to cry. I understand you have been through soo much in the past that you are still trying to get over, i understand you want to be happy, but there is always something preventing that. I understand how much you miss your family and the support they gave you.. I understand you miss being with them, but are glad you got some freedom away from them... I understand you feel bad if you even think you hurt someone but then you have that urge to be mean to them if you feel they have done you wrong, but it still hurts. I understand you had a hard emotional childhood. I understand you like Black people, That you relate to them a lot. I understand you wish you were a little bit taller, but have come to like your height. I understand you need to make yourself happy before anyone else. I understand that you have an ECLECTIC taste in music... I understand you want to do your best in WHATEVER you do. I understand you feel unappreciated at your job. That you want another job but are afraid of not finding another one.

You say i don't understand you because i encourage you and are positive.

But i encourage you and are positive BECAUSE i understand you and i have been there before...(Trust me.. I have been many of the places you have and felt the things you felt) And i know how it feels to be in those situations and i know if i had someone there to tell me everything would be ok, i would have handled things better.

I understand much more.. but i will leave it at that.

And with me understanding that i want to know much more... But its soo hard when i always get pushed away for the littlest things.

Its ok to feel hurt...

Its ok to cry

I tell you all the time if you need to cry then cry.. if your on webcam with me or in my presence and you need to cry then cry.. we can cry together...

I just don't like being put into the category with everyone else who has done you wrong because i honestly feel like i haven't. I am put and pushed with those people all the time and it is not fair to me.

I care so much about you man.. and i know its probably not mutual, but i care about you.

But for some reason you do not see that.

And i get pushed away

I know its a defense mechanism, but why are you being defensive towards me

What have i done to you to make you feel you need to put up walls between us and this friendship?

You should know i HATE when you push me away... especially over nothing...

I understand you have many emotions and feelings... I understand you.. I really do...I don't get why you do not understand that?

Yes we have been through a lot emotionally.. we play games with each other..(and don't say we don't.. cuz i know we do and you know also..HAHA.) we get jealous of each other...we get mad at each other, we get happy with each other... ( <--that sounds weird but it is true) But thats what I love about the friendship.. we get each other.. but we tip toe around each other in order not to make each other mad.. I dont want to tip toe around you.. I want to tell you what's really on my mind good or bad, and i want you to be able to do the same.

I know you do not like talking about these things because you do not like focusing on the negative, but through the negative can come the positive....

Its weird how we get into these situations... we are doing better... and i love that.. but now its different aspects of our friendship we have to work out.. I know the distance thing affects how the friendship is developing, but i know we can still be good friends..

Just try not to categorize me for things i did not do

Or put me with people and things because of your past

This is a new day and a new you and me.....

Whatever you want to to talk about i am here...

Whenever you want to Vent.. I am here..

Whenever you want to cry.. I am here...

Whenever you want to laugh and be goofy..I am here...

for You.....

I hope you know i wont judge you....

I might not like or agree with everything you do...

But i am here to support you in whatever decisions you make...(as long as it is not dangerous or detrimental to your health)

Like a real friend should be.

I am here to help you and be there for you whichever way i can

Cuz you know it ain't nothing but a word for me to drive 500 miles to come up there if you need me to. Ain't nothing but a word. And i'm Serious.

Understand the bigger picture...

I see it developing.....

I hope you start to also..

Relaxation

I just realized....... I do not know how to relax... i really can't... and when i try i tense up more.....

Relaxation... What is that?!

WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?!

:-/

Soo much!

I have soo much to say to you... But i just dont know where to start...

Flirt? REALLY?

******ALERT ALERT ALERT******.... I JUST FOUND OUT "FLIRT" IS THE NEW WORD FOR "CHEATING" Spread the word! "HOW YOU DOING?!" (Said in a Wendy Williams Voice!) Isn't that a mess! :-/

The Emotional And Physical Pains of Anal Sex...

I just realized yesterday that this anal sex thing may not be for me... I love the affection of a man... but.... Anal sex.. especially with me being the bottom... Is not working for me.. It hurts soo much.. I don't see how ANYONE can stand through the pain of something going up there.. it hurts soo bad and then i always feel like i have to pee!! Is that what is suppose to make it feel good? is that feeling of having to go pee.. Cuz to me its annoying...

I love the kissing and the hugs and the cuddling and i want to get to that point where we are connected as one.. But that connectedness is making me hurt soo bad...The emotional sex part i LOVE.. the Penetration part.. I hate!

Maybe it is because the people who i have Allowed to penetrate me have never been anyone that I cared for a lot.. so i did not want to endure the pain to make them happy..

The one i did care for a lot I did not allow for him to penetrate me at all because i wanted it to mean more.. It's hard to explain that one...But it makes sense to me...

What i do not understand is how is it that the people who i could not care any less about, when it comes to trying to have sex with them.. it's all a go...

But when i truly care about an individual, and really do want to have sex with them and feel them inside me...I stopped it...

It wasn't right...i wanted him soo bad... but it wasn't right... and even if it was ALL A GO....i still would have stopped it.. because i wanted it to be more then just sex.. i wanted it to mean something... and i did not want to be just another check on his list made with pencil..being someone he could easily forget about who also gave him what he wanted....

I wanted my check in Permanent Ink.. Someone he could Never forget...

So as bad as I wanted it.. I stopped it.

In hopes he would have more respect for me....

But i see myself losing respect for myself..

Why am I jumping the gun being in a relationship already when i dont really care about the guy yet..

I mean.. your sweet.. caring.. loving.. But something is missing...

I don't know what it is... But something is missing...

It's all new to me

But i do not want to continue on like this.. cuz it is not right...

I would rather stop it now and not have your emotions get too attached.

I'm not over the last...

I realized when i am with you.. i think about him.

How do you compare someone you HAVE to someone you NEVER HAD before...

I feel like i am settling....

"Trying something New" is not working out for me...

Maybe i can grow to like you

Then from like to Want

then from want to Love

and then from Love to Endless Love..

But as of right now...

your just another guy.

it sucks...Cuz i wanna like you as you like me.....

I find myself getting happy about other people...

And feeling burdened by you...

Like we are each others Crutches.

you getting out of a terrible relationship..

and me getting out of a bad love triangle...

I feel we are JUST trying to have someone there to move on..

Not really ready for a commitment..

and i do not want to feel that way...

I want to love ya.. and hold you...

But something is missing....

Maybe that's why the Anal is not working out for me...

I will endure the pain for someone I care about..

And as of right now...

I've realized....

It's not you.

Words

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

On This Day

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that humans learn only by trial and error, and that includes you. You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.

Words of the Day

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that every day you are choosing either to be grateful or to be disappointed. You can worry to no end about what you don't have. Or you can marvel at God's breathtaking gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Could you create any of these? These miracles of life are always around you, ready to be celebrated, ready to be welcomed into your life.

Grandma's Love.

My Grandma Just told me she loved me.....

And I started balling my eyes out.

What's wrong with me?!

Why did those simple words make me start crying soo much....

Crying to the point where my sleeve of my sweater is wet from me wiping away soo many tears.

I guess I'm just Overwhelmed and those 3 little words made me feel just that....... Loved...

Which is something I have not felt in a while.

Looking Back To Move Forward

What's done is done, what's gone is gone. one of life's lessons is always moving on. getting over a first love, dealing with heartbreak, dealing with death and dealing with life. it's ok to look back and think of fond memories, but keep moving forward and you will live your life happily - Bobby Givency (Facebook Friend)

The Wounds of Time.

I hate when my time and energy are wasted... Time I can Never get back.... and Energy I focused on the Wrong things....

But don't worry...

Time Heals all wounds...

Heals Em..

But leaves the scars as a constant reminder to NEVER go down that road again.

Selfish for what?

we are all self oriented but we hear that being selfish is a negative thing. It's a great thing to have self looove. people don't want other people to be selfish why? for their own selfish reasons? lol

Unlock

So Often Times It Happens That We Live Our Lives In Chains & We Never Even Realize We Have The Key. Unlock Ur Opportunities To Greatness!

-Xemvanadams

Up.

I'm up..... once again...... and do not know why......

something is bothering me.....

i just can't put my finger on it......

I might need to start taking sleeping pills

cuz this is now getting ridiculous.

Wanting More for HIM, Then You Do for YOURSELF

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY XEMVANADAMS ON DECEMBER 3, 2009

So often, I receive emails, FaceBook & MySpace notes, YouTube messages and even Twitter replies from individuals who exist in relationships where it seems that they want MORE for their Boyfriends & Husbands than they truly want for Themselves.

A relationship exists for each individual to forge the other forward, in being the BEST person they can possibly be. Growth and Maturation are essential elements of a Healthy Life, and NOTHING or NO ONE should exist in our lives to hinder or block those natural blessings.

When we fall in love, it sometimes gets to the point where we’ve become so involved and wrapped up in the other person that we slowly but surely begin to put ALL of their WANTS, NEEDS & DESIRES before our very own. It’s a practice that many GOOD mothers exude on a daily basis as it pertains to the sacrifices they make for their children. However, in the instance of our Romantic Unions, there should ALWAYS exist moments where decisions are made to create Strength, Character and Prowess for the positive upliftment of the Couple COLLECTIVELY as well as INDIVIDUALLY.

There’s the notion of COMPROMISE as there exists the notion of GIVING EVERYTHING and RECEIVING NOTHING in return.

A relationship is an investment that rests upon physical, emotional, mental and spiritual terms. There will be moments where one of the pair in a relationship has to carry 80% of the load, as the other struggles with their 20%. There will also be moments where one of the pair in a relationship has to carry 70% while the other bares their 30%. Meanwhile, as the end of each phase in a relationship comes to an end and another begins, both entities should be able to examine their relationship HONESTLY to state equal claim to an overall balance of 50%/50% shared.

Unfortunately, for MANY, especially of our generation, the 50%/50% balance does NOT exist. It’s NOT okay to financially support a man who does not provide any other means or contribution to the relationship. IF he is unemployed, but a starving artist who you truly believe in, or enrolled in school Part-Time, then he SHOULD be doing the grocery shopping, cleaning, weekend errands, meal preparations and other domestic duties alongside his artistic practices. Your man should play as much the role of your Friend and Support Corner as your BFF’s and LifeLongs. His position in your life does NOT have to be Bread Winner or Sexual Mandingo for as long as he caters and nurtures your spirit, values, determination and drive. IF you are going to make certain adjustments by the standards upon which you choose to be with a man, make SURE that you arent the ONLY one between you two who is making all of the sacrifices and special alliances.

It’s in a lot of our hearts to want to motivate and encourage our men to want more and to do more with their respective lives. However, once it gets to the point where your WANTS for him are interrupting the healthy flow of your NEEDS, its time to reevaluate the status of the relationship. MANY have lost their Jobs, Homes, Cars, Good Credit Scores, Friends, Family Members and overall Health TRYING to keep a man on his toes.

To HELP doesnt always mean to HOLD, especially for those of us who have fallen into that role of subconciously becoming our men’s MOTHERS and FATHERS. A Man must stand upon his own truth, conviction and promise. As a Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband or Wife it’s your job to assist him in obtaining life’s treaures for as LONG as he is doing the same in return…WITHOUT fussing, cursing and complaining along the way.

WANT MORE FOR YOURSELF FIRST. Then, and only then can you possibly HELP someone else ATTAIN MORE FOR THEMSELVES.

Good Article Xem... Taking this into heart so that when i do get into a relationship.. I do not WANT MORE FOR THEM, AND NOT FOR ME... 50/50.... if its not 50/50 at the end of the day.. then its time to go...

I like this article because i have had friendships where i wanted more for them then i wanted for myself.. and it always ended up bad...

I usually give my all, all the time, and usually they do not give their fair amount.. and i end up looking bad..

The crazy things you do for the friends you think you have. But they would not do the same for you...

Thanks Xem.. I think that was my problem.. I gave myself all the time and wanted more for my friends.. and they would not think the same of me.. so it was an in-balance..

Imma change that...

Im going to wait for someone to do more then what i am doing and then i will meet them halfway.. but at first... its all on them... they need to give more then what i do at first because i am tired of giving all and not getting anything in return...

Like Jennifer Hudson sang in Dreamgirls "I am Changing. "

Changing for the better or worse.. I don't know... All I know is that i can feel a change.

Poor Permission

Poor is the man whose happiness lies in the permission of another

Pretty Ugly.

"The Prettiest People do the Ugliest Things" - Kanye West.

Well then i need to find the ugliest people to do the prettiest things.

Matter

Man.. This song has been on repeat all day.. I love this song.. I loved it since i heard it first about three months ago... I really did not understand the song truly until today.. and that's because i could relate.. well.. use to.. hahaha... but i was listening to it and i waslike.. DANG.... It was like she took the words right out my brian.. and POPPED me upside the head and said "Oops upside ya head!" HAHA

LeToya Lucket

"Matter"

Boy I'm in love with you and it ain't gon go away
You got somebody who just ain't gon cut it mayne
She don't do what I do, she on her own thing
I wanna look out for you, do all the things she can't
No, do she wash your clothes
No, do she cook and clean for you baby
Oh no, she don't fill the shoes, no and she don't love you

If she don't love you as much as I do
She don't matter (no), matter (no), matter (no), matter (no)
Matter (no), matter (no), don't matter to me, no
If she don't want you as much as I do
Then she don't matter (no), matter (no), matter (no), matter (no)
Matter (no), matter (no), don't matter to me
She don't love you

You say it's gon be cool, I'm caught in such a daze
Torn in between us two, why can't we make amends
I know I crossed the line, but boy you let me go
Knowing what I know now I shoulda left it so
Do she really know you (know you)
I wanna know you (you, you, yeah)
She don't fill the shoes, I want you to choose
Don't want you to lose me, I want you to choose me
I'm tryna get you to see that she don't love you as much as me


If she don't love you as much as I do
She don't matter (no), matter (no), matter (no), matter (no)
Matter (no), matter (no), don't matter to me, no
If she don't want you as much as I do
Then she don't matter (no), matter (no), matter (no), matter (no)
Matter (no), matter (no), don't matter to me
She don't love you

If there's one thing in this world
That I know for sure it's that I want you more than her
See we both know, I can't deny
Cuz boy I need you in my life
Need you in my life, life, life
Don't wanna say goodbye, bye, bye
Give this love a try, try, try
I'll give you what you want, be your everything

If she don't love you as much as I do
She don't matter (no), matter (no), matter (no), matter (no)
Matter (no), matter (no), don't matter to me, no
If she don't want you as much as I do
Then she don't matter (no), matter (no), matter (no), matter (no)
Matter (no), matter (no), don't matter to me
She don't love you

The song is the business!!!!! The lyrics, the melodies, and the chords together make me LEAK! hahahaha.. One of my favorites.. Hope ya enjoy! :-)

Coming For Mine.

The harder I try.. The more I am stopped in my tracks....

The More i try to fight.. The weaker I become.

The Harder I try... The more i am stopped and weaker i become.

But it will get better. It has to.. It will... It better!

Gone too far to be told No....

So imma get through that door....

Even if it takes a long while...

Imma get through that door..

Watch.

You Doubt?

Watch.

Before you know it..

Imma be there

It's Coming.

I know it is...

So get ready...

Cuz its gonna be the ride of your life!

And you not gonna want to get off...

I'm coming for what's mine!

Annoyances

"Put up with Small Annoyances to Get great Results."

-Ryan's G.'s Panda Express Fortune Cookie

You always throw me Curve balls.

I think i better understand you and then BAM.

Oops upside my head!

Something new to learn about you....

Your Interesting...

Different.

Intriguing.

I like it...

It Keeps me on my toes...

Thanks

Smooth.

I don't know how you do it... But you always Smooth things over.......

Abundant Living Family Church-First Time. Learned a Lot.

So Today I went to Abundant Living Family Church in Rancho Cucamonga, Ca. I had been hearing about this church for YEARS, and everyone i had heard about it from said that they truly enjoyed themselves there. So today when my cousin was over (who is a member of ABFC) i just decided to go with her. And let me tell you.. I enjoyed every second of it.. The church is one of the most beautiful churches I have ever seen.. Me and my cousin got there late so we missed Praise and Worship. We came in on Announcements and sat in the middle of the church..... it was huge... and there was a lot of people.. Different ethnicities and different cultures all in on area.. It was amazing.. I have only been to black churches so to see, Black's, Latino's, White's, Asian's, All mixes of people coming together to Praise and learn was amazing. ___________________________________________________________________________________ *Sermon Notes*

From Senior Pastor Diego Mesa (Who Started the church in 1994)  

The Sermon came from:

2 Timothy 3:1 

and it was titled  

"Thankful For What: Thankful or Thankless-It is a Choice" .  

I learned it is good for me to give thanks to God. Also that Being Thankful is my duty. Thankfulness is what you endure, Live out your Salvation, to that you can let everyone know you were saved."  

(I used to be that way. i use to not care what other people thought of me because all that mattered was what God thought of me, and i knew God loved me, so it didn't matter what others thought)  

But somewhere i lost that. I don't know where.. But i lost it.. and i need to get it back.  

I also learned that Thankfulness is the ability to recognize God's blessings and good fortune in my life. 

Thankfulness is the gift of Appreciation that is given back to God for His goodness. 

Thankfulness is the overwhelming gratefulness to God that must be Expressed. 

Thankfulness is how well you Start Something, Do Something, and Finish Something.  

We then turned to Romans 1:21 and saw that What we do not appreciate, are grateful or thankful for, we will abuse, misuse, neglect, and change Vain thoughts, and a foolish heart, and a darkened life.  

(I know i was not appreciating the life God has given me, and the many good things He was giving me.. thats why i feel i went through all the recent crap of crying and everything, because i took my eyes off of God and put them onto something else. So i started to not appreciate God and the many blessings he was giving to me. Blessings like Life, and a roof over my head, and food in my refrigerator. I was taking things for Granted. Yes I want love, but I need to focus on God and let God handle the rest. Love will come my way when God sees fit... I have to trust and believe that.)  

We then Turned to Psalm 116:12, And I saw that I need to Acknowledge the Blessings and Benefits God gives towards me. Blessings and Benefits that I do not deserve, I did not earn, and that I can not buy. Blessings And Benefits that I can not merit, can't perform for, and can't beg for. Blessings and Benefits are not for sale, not for Hire, and not for Bribe.  

Then we looked at Luke 12:48 which says "But people who are not aware that they are doing wrong will be punished only lightly. Much is required from those to whom much is given, and much more is required from those to whom much more is given." We see that God Only requires of you in proportion to what you receive. (Also I say, If I know better, Imma do better!) 

(Luke 17:11) Example of two types of Christians. 

Thankful 10 percent vs. the unthankful 90 percent.

• A. Before Jesus Came into our lives we were all lepers (Ephesians 2:1)
• B. Why didn't the nine return or give a return on the gift to Jesus? When the Big things God does become Small in your eyes, you become too big and you are Unthankful. (Luke 18:19 and also Luke 5:5) <----- That right there was the whole sermon for me, in that one sentence I was done and out for the count! HAHA.. I was like.. Wow! WOW!!!!!!
• C. Unthankful Lepers won't return back to say thank you to Jesus. Like the 9 will you still need God as much After your miracle as Before? or are you a miracle seeker, but do not want the relationship? which means do you only ask for Gods help when you NEED him but do not truly want a relationship with Him after He blesses you with what you asked for?

What makes us Return and not give thanks?
• The Flesh, cuz it is always tired.
• The People we hang around with, because if they are not giving thanks, we will not give thanks also
• The Hardships we endure, because we do not want to thank God for the Problems we have in our lives that He uses to Teach us about Him and all that He can Do.

What compels the one to return back to Jesus?

• 1). Indebtedness
• 2). Selah = Stopping and Reflecting on what just happened. We have to Selah in Life. Stop and have time to Reflect and really take in everything that is going on. Instead of constantly being on the Go.
• 3). Giving Glory to God. He wanted to give God praise for what God had just done for Him. Healing his Body.

So what are the benefits of being Thankful?

• It affects your Faith. You can't truly have a whole faith without being Thanks and truly meaning it.
• Makes you Well/Whole, and not just Healed, it Meets your entire being instead of just our outward appearance.
• God entrust you with revelations or blessings
Only thankful people get the extra from God.

So I am thankful to Jesus for Blessing me everyday and letting me go through certain situaitons for me to watch God work in my life, and because I am thankful to Jesus I will start to show thanks by Praising Him Daily Recognizing God for who he really is and what He is doing. I lost that.. I need to get it back.  

I then Learned that Thankfulness is something you live out.. It must be Expressed. 

I will express it from now on... I have been through too much to not show God thanks for what He has done for me! ____________________________________________________________________________________  

I then went and got a free gift (a mug) for being a first time visitor of the church.. its a nice mug... :-) 

Then went and got some refreshments.. they were good and some cold water cuz a man was THIRSTY!  

We then went into Children's church and immediately when i walked into the children's Building i was amazed at the Decor and art on the walls and how warm and welcoming it felt in that building. I literally said out loud.. "WOW"...  

I then saw a past member of the church i regularly attend and we exchanged greetings and talked for a bit. it was nice catching up with him. 

Then i walked around the building and saw all the children's programs and classes they offered.. they did not have all the kids in one room like i have seen it before at different churches... 

But they had like 10 different rooms based off of age. newborns.. 6 to 13 months. 14 months to 2 years old.. so on and do forth, all the way to twelve years old i believe and then after 12 years old you would have to go into another building for the teens and youth department.. 

I did not get to go into that side of the church today but from what i could see from the entrance.. it looked like it was the poppin place to be.. The kids looked excited to be going to Youth church.. wow.. I have not seen youth that excited in a long time. 

They have a Huge playground for the kids to play on... It was very Open and had a Basketball courts, A whale slide. and a Jungle gym if not two if i'm not mistaken for the little littlle kids.  

Overall it was a Bomb experience.. I learned something.. Felt welcomed by everyone. Everyone was soo nice and friendly.. Overall Great experience.. I def will be back again.. I think this may be my new church Home... We will see.. I will pray on it. and wherever i end up, I know i will be THANKFUL for the Journey God has for me there! I'm excited!

Church

Going to Church today. Hopefully i hear a word i Will Enjoy and that I can Apply to my Life!

Words.

"I like you.... But i love him"

Those crushing words will never be forgotten.

Love = Fail

Winners and Losers.

"Never try to keep someone in your life that wants to go. bitchboobye. Too often we spend so much time fighting for losers that we don't notice the winners standing right next to us."

-B. Scott

These are some good words to go by.. I will apply them and cherish them in my heart.. So that I never forget to see what and who is around me. :-) To notice the Winners and let go of The Losers. 

The Fear. The Hope. The New Life (This Was Suppose To Be a Short One Lined Post.)

Darrick Now feels Stupid for the way he handled things... .. Finally Content.. but now feels Foolish! LOL...HAHA.. I am really laughing over here.. Dang... You know how you do something and then you're like.. Why did i do that.. but with a smile on your face.. thats how I feel.. HAHA.. 

******Learning Experience Alert******

Foolish for letting soo many people in to my world when i was very down. Foolish for telling a lot of people my situation and the hurt i was in... I need, and I will from now on, Keep my mouth shut when it comes to those deep feelings and emotions I have.. Everyone does not need to know them. Only maybe one or two people at the max.. and those are my friends that have been there for me when no one else was... 

I was tired of feeling down, helpless, hopeless and desperate... 

So... I'm not anymore.. LOL..

I got tired of hearing the stories myself, and then having them replay in my head constantly everyday was getting on my nerves!!!!! HAHA

HA!

I'm not going to feel those emotions at all anymore from this situation! :-)

 

As i was listening to music today, Monica's song titled "Whatever" started coming through the speakers, and not hearing that song in a LONG TIME made me just sit back and listen to the Music.... and Really take it in.....  listening to the harmonies and calmness of the song made me feel how i felt when i first heard the song those many years ago.. 

GOOD AND GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.. 

The lyrics and the melodies that flowed through my body today gave me a sensation I had not felt in a long time... 

Contentment and Satisfaction within MYSELF!

Brought me back to the year 2003... 

Yea the song is talking about Love.. but for some reason i do not hear that when i listen to the song.. I hear something different.. Something I can not explain.. but it helped me jump back and realize who i was! the Real Darrick.. Not this Emotional, Always weeping, always feeling down for myself Darrick... But the Darrick who Loves because he Loves to Love... is Happy and Joyful! Not dependent on someone or people to make me happy! Imma make myself happy...Be focused on what I need to do! Where I want to go... and What I wanna do! 

You know how they say your bed should be the most comfortable place and peaceful place in your home... Well.. over the passed two months mine had become something i feared. Because I would fear laying in my bed trying to have nothing occupy my mind, but when i attempted this, my worst horror story would begin... Begin even before i closed my eyes, started to happen right when i was laying there trying soo hard not to think about all my insecurities and negativity i had towards myself. I could not run from it... I could not hide.. it would always find me and haunt me in-between those sheets all the while making me cry like a little 2nd grade school boy. And all i could do was lay there.... Trying to Force myself to sleep so that maybe i would not have to think about these issues and maybe, just maybe have some peace.... I was becoming more depressed and worried...Daily....... My bed was a place i feared because it never brought me any sound mind.. but just added on Stress.. Reminding me that I was One day closer to what I felt was my own Personal "Dooms Day". Every-time i would lay there i was forced to deal with the problems i had with myself and others, because I had NOTHING else to think about. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a Cold Sweat.. sweat piled up like i had just ran a marathon.. my bed soaking wet from the worry and the disappointment and the questions of "WHY?!" that i had in my sleep. Not being able to go back to sleep. I feared being awake, but also feared being asleep. 

I feared the Night... The night became my never-ending, always haunting, and always coming back stronger Nemesis... I could not sleep. constantly worried. Constantly questioning.. Constantly coming more and more out of myself and into someone i did not know.. All for what?

For Love I did not have?

For School problems that never seemed to end?

For Family Issues that did not seem to be going away?

For Self Image and Self-Esteem Problems I had?

Yes.

All for those....

Pathetic... I know....

But I refuse to go down into the night, 

I refuse to let the night Win.

I was Becoming someone i did not Like.. Someone I did not Know! I lost MYSELF trying to help other people FIND THEMSELVES... How do you lose yourself helping someone else? That's a question i will always ponder.. 

Depressed, Lonely, Sad, and Down, 

Those feelings were replaced with a thought of "WOW.. why did I feel like that?! Come on Darrick.. I'm Better then that! I should never feel bad about MYSELF cuz i do not have something.....Or because i feel something is going wrong or not the way I planned"

God Gave me this deck of cards to play with... and I know He knows Why he gave them to me.. and all i can do it ENJOY the ride.. Not stress out out about it.. Make the best of Any situation....

I guess it took watching HERCULES (the Disney Animated Movie)  to make me realize that! Cuz he was given a Horrible deck of cards.. with Things He could not control, and things he did not wish upon himself nor planned, but he made the best of the deck and was ultimately happy in the end with all of his decisions and choices... HAHA... Ironic that It took a Disney movie About GODS, and multiple ones, to make me realize about God and how i have to make the best of my situations... HAHAHAHA.. (the song "I can go the Distance" in Hercules really helped me out also...) 

So I refuse to go down into the night, 

I refuse to let the night Win.

This time the feelings are going to stay positive..and i mean it!!!..

No more tears.. No more negative.. No more hurting myself in order to save someone else.. I had to save myself.. 

and i did. 

I had to realize I'm no ones Savior.

So why was I unconsciously trying to be. 

What i experienced is Life molding me into a stronger, smarter, and more self knowledgeable person. and i appreciate that soo much... 

But.. I like to help and encourage people...It's Just in my nature...  and i will continue to help and be there for people when they need it.. but not at the expense of Me. Because i refuse to lose myself AGAIN and go down that path of Self Hate.. I've travelled down it once, and i intend NEVER to go or look back. 

Thanks for the lesson... I'm glad you came into my life to teach me this well needed lesson.. This is the most i have learned about myself in ALL MY YEARS OF COLLEGE! all of it in a very short amount of time... But no more tears... 

Now the friendship that taught me this I hope and pray does not end.. cuz i do not want it to..I value it highly..... I enjoy it.. and i am there for them.. and i appreciate them being there for me.

And I'm thankful for everything that happened. :-) Thanks..

Now Onto my new Stronger Life :-D

I'm excited to see what new surprises and new adventures it brings...

Cuz this truly, TRULY, was an adventure I will never forget. :-)