How is it that YOU do wrong and I end up feeling bad?! I should be cursing you out and saying to Heck with the friendship... maybe i am stupid for being there soo much when all i get in return is...... nothing......
But i see it seems like you need me.. Maybe.. Maybe not...and for whatever reason Something is telling me to stay...
Even though at times i feel like I'm A Ghost (Ghost By Kevin Michael) i still am By Your Side (By Your Side By Sade)...
Something is telling me to stay.. You have come into my life and SHOOK IT UP so much that I don't think i can put it back together without seeing you as a friend.... You've come and blended and made yourself such a part of the pieces of my life that i can not put them back together without you being there.
(This sounds like a love note.. HAHA.. but its a friend note)
This is a note showing you how much i care about you, that I would go as far as being rude to my date just to make sure you were doing ok...
And for you to tell me that i was not there when you needed me..Hurt...bad... I FEEL i was the most there for you even when you said i wasn't... Who was there up with you when you needed help all throughout the night? Who was there not laughing at you, but wanting to help you anytime you needed it. Up helping you when i could have said "I got my own issues, you do you and imma do me" like you have said to me before.
I was there.. Not your boyfriend.. not your other friends.. I was.. and for you to give credit to your boyfriend like he was there (emotionally and physically helping you) all the time through this like i was... Hurt... (I know he did something in the END that helped you pass, but its the little things throughout the process that count.. right?)
I am there WHENEVER you need me. You say i do not understand.. but everything you say i don't understand i do... I just don't tell you and shove it down your throat that i understand.. I understand that you are doing the best that you can.. that you work... that you are going to school... that you are trying to make your relationship with your boyfriend work, that you are trying to get your body back to where you want it to be, that you want more friends to be around you, that you do not have enough time in the day to do everything for everybody, that you love music, that you want to be successful, that you're stressed because of making money and wanting to live comfortably, that you love your 13in Macbook pro!,I understand that you LOVE NIP/TUCK!!! That you LOVE dancing....that you want to get back into it...That you LOVE DOING HAIR and are really good at it... That you miss your close best friends dearly, and how some of them have changed... that you Want to make everyone happy, but then realized that you cant. I understand that you are trying to figure out what you are going to do with your life, that you are not happy with your life right now (but it will get better), i understand that you are afraid of change cuz you do not want anything bad to happen. I understand that you try to care about everyone. I understand that you are finding out Who Andrew is.. I understand that you try to be a Hard @ss but you cant cuz your heart is too big for you to be mean. I understand you felt and sometimes still feel neglected from everyone.. many times you feel misunderstood. many times you want to cry. I understand you have been through soo much in the past that you are still trying to get over, i understand you want to be happy, but there is always something preventing that. I understand how much you miss your family and the support they gave you.. I understand you miss being with them, but are glad you got some freedom away from them... I understand you feel bad if you even think you hurt someone but then you have that urge to be mean to them if you feel they have done you wrong, but it still hurts. I understand you had a hard emotional childhood. I understand you like Black people, That you relate to them a lot. I understand you wish you were a little bit taller, but have come to like your height. I understand you need to make yourself happy before anyone else. I understand that you have an ECLECTIC taste in music... I understand you want to do your best in WHATEVER you do. I understand you feel unappreciated at your job. That you want another job but are afraid of not finding another one.
You say i don't understand you because i encourage you and are positive.
But i encourage you and are positive BECAUSE i understand you and i have been there before...(Trust me.. I have been many of the places you have and felt the things you felt) And i know how it feels to be in those situations and i know if i had someone there to tell me everything would be ok, i would have handled things better.
I understand much more.. but i will leave it at that.
And with me understanding that i want to know much more... But its soo hard when i always get pushed away for the littlest things.
Its ok to feel hurt...
Its ok to cry
I tell you all the time if you need to cry then cry.. if your on webcam with me or in my presence and you need to cry then cry.. we can cry together...
I just don't like being put into the category with everyone else who has done you wrong because i honestly feel like i haven't. I am put and pushed with those people all the time and it is not fair to me.
I care so much about you man.. and i know its probably not mutual, but i care about you.
But for some reason you do not see that.
And i get pushed away
I know its a defense mechanism, but why are you being defensive towards me
What have i done to you to make you feel you need to put up walls between us and this friendship?
You should know i HATE when you push me away... especially over nothing...
I understand you have many emotions and feelings... I understand you.. I really do...I don't get why you do not understand that?
Yes we have been through a lot emotionally.. we play games with each other..(and don't say we don't.. cuz i know we do and you know also..HAHA.) we get jealous of each other...we get mad at each other, we get happy with each other... ( <--that sounds weird but it is true) But thats what I love about the friendship.. we get each other.. but we tip toe around each other in order not to make each other mad.. I dont want to tip toe around you.. I want to tell you what's really on my mind good or bad, and i want you to be able to do the same.
I know you do not like talking about these things because you do not like focusing on the negative, but through the negative can come the positive....
Its weird how we get into these situations... we are doing better... and i love that.. but now its different aspects of our friendship we have to work out.. I know the distance thing affects how the friendship is developing, but i know we can still be good friends..
Just try not to categorize me for things i did not do
Or put me with people and things because of your past
This is a new day and a new you and me.....
Whatever you want to to talk about i am here...
Whenever you want to Vent.. I am here..
Whenever you want to cry.. I am here...
Whenever you want to laugh and be goofy..I am here...
for You.....
I hope you know i wont judge you....
I might not like or agree with everything you do...
But i am here to support you in whatever decisions you make...(as long as it is not dangerous or detrimental to your health)
Like a real friend should be.
I am here to help you and be there for you whichever way i can
Cuz you know it ain't nothing but a word for me to drive 500 miles to come up there if you need me to. Ain't nothing but a word. And i'm Serious.
Understand the bigger picture...
I see it developing.....
I hope you start to also..
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