The Emotional And Physical Pains of Anal Sex...

I just realized yesterday that this anal sex thing may not be for me... I love the affection of a man... but.... Anal sex.. especially with me being the bottom... Is not working for me.. It hurts soo much.. I don't see how ANYONE can stand through the pain of something going up there.. it hurts soo bad and then i always feel like i have to pee!! Is that what is suppose to make it feel good? is that feeling of having to go pee.. Cuz to me its annoying...

I love the kissing and the hugs and the cuddling and i want to get to that point where we are connected as one.. But that connectedness is making me hurt soo bad...The emotional sex part i LOVE.. the Penetration part.. I hate!

Maybe it is because the people who i have Allowed to penetrate me have never been anyone that I cared for a lot.. so i did not want to endure the pain to make them happy..

The one i did care for a lot I did not allow for him to penetrate me at all because i wanted it to mean more.. It's hard to explain that one...But it makes sense to me...

What i do not understand is how is it that the people who i could not care any less about, when it comes to trying to have sex with them.. it's all a go...

But when i truly care about an individual, and really do want to have sex with them and feel them inside me...I stopped it...

It wasn't right...i wanted him soo bad... but it wasn't right... and even if it was ALL A GO....i still would have stopped it.. because i wanted it to be more then just sex.. i wanted it to mean something... and i did not want to be just another check on his list made with pencil..being someone he could easily forget about who also gave him what he wanted....

I wanted my check in Permanent Ink.. Someone he could Never forget...

So as bad as I wanted it.. I stopped it.

In hopes he would have more respect for me....

But i see myself losing respect for myself..

Why am I jumping the gun being in a relationship already when i dont really care about the guy yet..

I mean.. your sweet.. caring.. loving.. But something is missing...

I don't know what it is... But something is missing...

It's all new to me

But i do not want to continue on like this.. cuz it is not right...

I would rather stop it now and not have your emotions get too attached.

I'm not over the last...

I realized when i am with you.. i think about him.

How do you compare someone you HAVE to someone you NEVER HAD before...

I feel like i am settling....

"Trying something New" is not working out for me...

Maybe i can grow to like you

Then from like to Want

then from want to Love

and then from Love to Endless Love..

But as of right now...

your just another guy.

it sucks...Cuz i wanna like you as you like me.....

I find myself getting happy about other people...

And feeling burdened by you...

Like we are each others Crutches.

you getting out of a terrible relationship..

and me getting out of a bad love triangle...

I feel we are JUST trying to have someone there to move on..

Not really ready for a commitment..

and i do not want to feel that way...

I want to love ya.. and hold you...

But something is missing....

Maybe that's why the Anal is not working out for me...

I will endure the pain for someone I care about..

And as of right now...

I've realized....

It's not you.