Fight.

I really have the Urge to Fight.. Literally... Beat Someone up.... Never had this kind of feeling before.. Like i feel if I beat someone up then i would feel better on soo many levels.. I don't know...Maybe it will work... Hmm... We will just have to see...

Sick. 4th Week Straight.

So Last night was Horrible.. Shivers.. Convulsing... Runny Stuffed up nose.. Having to get rid of the stuff in my nose every ten minutes.. Having dogs fight around me... Being too weak to move... Pounding Headache... Migraine... Slept in my mom's room...

No medicine is working...

Whats wrong with me?...

But.. within all of that.. I still smile!

Im scared to sleep in my room because i feel i will re infect myself more if i sleep in there.. But i am too weak to change the sheets...

I just wanna be held....but all i can do is curl up on the couch with a blanket and Hope tonight is better then last.

Ugh

Headaches.. Pounding.... Migraine... Coughing... Mucus... Bloody.... Nausea.... Must.. make.. it.. stop.... right.. NOW.

Exhale

(Darrick Inhales)

So today I had nothing but time to think..

I should have been doing my Homework..

But I will wait until tomorrow..

but like I said i had to time to think

Think about How I.. Me... I need to Exhale...

And breath..

Shoop.. shoop.. shoopadoop!

HAHA

Exhale and release the negative..

I have been on my P's and Q's since Jan 1st, 2010..

Keeping up with my Resolutions and I am very Proud of that...

even though i am still sick.. and this is going on the 4th week..

Everything is going better...

I, this year, have not let myself get to the point of feeling sorry for myself.

That's another accomplishment.

Yes 2010 has been already one of laughter and some hard times.

But I am promising myself that I will not be in any Drama this year..

I had almost made it without drama all last year

So i know this year i can surely make it.

I'm already proud of the accomplishments and growth i have done since Jan 1st, 2010.

Becoming a better Dancer.. I have been told I am getting Way better at dancing and executing the moves of different individuals.

Pushing myself at school with all of the things I am doing and STILL being able to be there for people when i have some time is an Accomplishment in and of itself.

I have become okay with being by myself in these past two months more then i have ever in my life.

I get about one phone call a day, maybe...

A few text here and there usually if i text the person first,

and I am okay with that.

I do not need people calling me all the time or texting me to feel secure and happy with myself.

I needed to find happiness in the stillness of everything and within myself.

and i am doing that.

I'm not looking to be popular....

if no one calls me in a day.....doesn't text me...

doesn't think about me.. it's fine...It's Okay...

cuz i am building that happiness within myself.

Exhale the things holding me back.

The people

The places

The thoughts

I am doing that

Ridding myself of things that are not for me.

People who are not for me, Nor do me ANY good.

Places that I should not go because they have Nothing there for me.

Exhale this going back and forth between emotions and thoughts

That right there.. Needs to stop..

I used to be a man who would think one way and nothing could shake what i thought.

But now i find myself questioning everything and questioning my judgement and going back and forth between being happy, and being sad.. (not for myself, but for certain situations) so I am still working on that...

But I am a work in Progress... I learned I am not as strong as I thought i was.. But trust me I am getting there.. and when i get there 100%.. I am NEVER GOING BACK! and you can take that to CHASE, BANK OF AMERICA, OR WELLS FARGO Banks! haha...

But in order to survive... I need to Exhale... Cuz Inhaling all the time without exhaling leads to a SUCKY life... So get all those old things and old breaths out your life... Keep the good.. And get rid of the Bad.. Keep the New.. and get Rid of the Old...

and THATS what I am doing.

So don't cry for me... Be happy for me... I'm doing what I need to do...

And Thats Moving on.

Thanks.

(Darrick Exhales)

Sober.

I was once strung out on love...

But now I'm Sober...

Used to Be All Down For it...

But Now I'm Sober

He was my addiction...

He was in my system.

But Now I'm Great.. I'm straight.

I used to be strung out on Love.. But now I'm Sober.

Sober, SOber, SOBer, SOBEr...

SOBER.

Trust

Trust is a very fragile thing.

Like Butterfly Wings... Beautiful to Hold.. But easy to Crush...

^^^^^^^^^^

Love that.. Thanks Krista R. for that.. :-)

Three Weeks... Sick.. WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?!

Ugh.. this being sick for three weeks is getting old and redundant... Blowing my nose at school.. walking around trying to keep the snot in my nose because i ran out of tissue.. Running to the bathroom to get some HARD toilet paper.. is making me FEEL worse.. Then when i am at home staying inside because people tell me i need to "SLOW DOWN" is not helping but i think is actually making me worse. I wanna be out... Not stay cooped up in this house. But when i am out.. I feel like i need to be home.. and when i an home.. I feel like i need to be out.. Ugh!

Imma need for this to hurry up and go Away! Now the simple nose congestion i believe is trying to make itself into a Chest Cold.. AHHH!!!! Let's hope for better feeling days Ahead! :-)

Words Vs. Actions

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."

I DON'T WANT TO GO!

Ugh.. do Not have the energy to go to school today.. Just thinking abut all I have to do today makes me sick..Sicker that is.. and makes me weak... ugh... I want to just chill and relax and sleep.. SLEEP ad sleep some more.. Now I know by body needs to rest, and i need to sleep.. but The more i sleep.. the sicker i become... if that makes any sense.. Ugh.. My body and brain are at constant Battle!!!! i need something.. I just do not know what it is.... Maybe a doctors appointment.. I don't know.. HAHA.. but my mom said the same thing i did "all they are going to do is tell you to rest and drink lots of fluids" but i need some Stronger medicine.. so I will try to get some then on Wednesday.. aiight.. I'm Off.. Time to get this hectic day started.. Hopefully i feel better... SOON!!!!!

Valentines Day 2O1O Recap.

So my Valentines day... Hmm..

It was good..

Went to Six Flags...

Went to the Club...

Almost could have died...

Yea...

Overall though it was good..

Thanks JP.

I actually was not depressed like i thought i would be...Yes It was single's awareness day and all for me... but it also was a day a friend showed his appreciation for the friendship that I bring to the table.. and it was nice for once to be acknowledged for the things i do. Now i know that sounds kind of self centered and all... But usually in friendships I am the one who is trying to show people how much their friendship means to me... So it was nice to be on the the side having someone else show me how much they appreciate the friendship...And it so happened to fall on Valentines day... Which i did not mind... So it was all good.. Once again.. Thanks JP. You made my Valentines Day a great successful one. Thank you for being a Friend. :-)

A Rose.

Valentines Day is a day I have been dreading since i Realized October 10th, 2009 meant nothing more to him then a quick fix for a three week to a month problem that he had. A release, a temporary solution. A fantasy he wanted to play out. I was nothing but a pawn in the game he played... The "Other". The one he Did not want.

I have not posted anything in February because everyday was one day closer to the day I was hoping would not come. This Year is the first year Valentines Day has come since i had my heart truly broken for the first time. The First time Since my love was teased, shortly entertained, and quickly rejected like it was not good enough. Then to be told that i am a dirty little secret in his closet... Something and Someone that should never come out.. Like he is ashamed of me.. ugh... "Can I just skip this day and go to Feb 15th please? Matter of fact.. Can I just Skip this Month?!"

No.. I can't. I can't undo what happened, as much as i would like to.. I can't.

I can't Erase the moment we shared and the thoughts of finally having someone that equated to the beauty represented in that picture above. I can't remove the hurt and the anguish i had to go through all the months that followed. I can't delete the hospital visits, the going toe to toe with my mother, the friends being disappointed in the situation I was in... Me sticking up for him...all because he made me believe in us.... made me believe in him. I can't rewind the emotional unstableness that I went through. He says he understands... But i do not think he understands the extent and how deep it really was. I got excited and Geeked up just to be let down and hurt soo much. I can't Go back and redo the fact that I was crying late at night while he was being loved on, kissed and hugged late at night... with no regard for the one he hurt. Seeming to not have a care in the world when it came to me... Did he call and check up on me to see if I was ok? No... cuz he was too wrapped up in his own world to even consider Darrick. <---Remember him.. (he's the one you had a deep connection with. That connection you did not have anymore with anyone. but then you dropped, left alone, abandoned and left feeling like he was nothing.) Confidence... shot.... Self-Esteem... Shot... Courage.. Shot... Heart and Ability to Love wholeheartedly again... Shot...

I felt I have been disadvantaged and scarred even before I had been in a real relationship. Like I was given a penalty starting point in the game of Love. Pushed back and injured because of him.

I can't view love and hearts and affection without thinking i was robbed from that. I know i should be over this by now.. Its been a quarter of a year since.. But it still hurts...and still... after 4 months.. I am regaining and recovering pieces of my shattered heart that is broken and cold. It is real easy to say you forgive, but still have anger in your heart. It is easy to forgive, but it's hard to forget... I do not think i will ever forget this pain. It.... just like him...... have made a lasting impression...I will take that pain into the relationships i will be apart of for the rest of my life.

That rose... First represented a sign of beauty and love (or what i could equate to love..) But now... Now its a symbol of the pain and suffering I went through...Alone..... Because the one I grew to want whole-heartedly...first told me he wanted me... then showed me he wanted me... but then hid, lied and pushed me away. All so he could feel better... That rose symbolizes the hurt, the lies, and the deceit of love...

That Rose... Sigh.... That Rose...

Symbolizes......

Us.....

Happy Valentines Day.