2O1O in Review

So.... 2O1O is basically over.... and I am going to do my own Year in review...

Let's see...
Where to Begin?...
I guess with January!!! HAHAHAHA (But the rest of this i saw was not in any particular Monthly order!)

Well the start of this year i was still hung over this Dude..... Still caught in that Fairytale of a world that maybe, possibly, things could work out. Wounds were still fresh and emotions and feelings were still there... (Lame I know)
Bad thing about it was i started dragging someone else through that mess and starting hurting them the same way the previous guy hurt me. I saw a vicious cycle that was trying to continue and i had to stop it.
So i did.. The last guy got hurt.. but he moved on quick! HAHA (Good)

I graduated from College with a Decent GPA.. I mean.. I could have done a little better but i am glad i pulled what is considered a good GPA out at all with all the stuff i was mentally going through the last three semesters of my college career. HAHA.. Soo glad i am done with college but at the same time really want to go back to get more educated.. I realized the value of learning AFTER i graduated.. HAHAH.. isn't that funny!

I Attended Debbie Allen's Hip Hop Intensive probably for the last time this June because i have seen the decline in people my age.. and the incline of people in their teens or even in their first ten years of their LIVES! hahaha...
Don't get me wrong.. I love the kids.. But the learning atmosphere is not the same and the kids talk way too much and are not respectful and I am starting to look like i am a pedophile being around all these kids and dancing with the kiddies! EWW.. and that is NOT ME!
So debbie allen had a good run.. but i am done with it.. (2005-2010)

I finally put the Axe on the one sided friendship with the First boy i talked about in this post..I believe that was in July... We tried to have a friendship, I did not even want him as a boyfriend by this time in the year anymore..... but it just was not working... i guess he thought i was asking too much of him. The only thing i asked of him was to keep his word, but i guess that was too much. So I finally realized and saw the value of the friendship through his eyes and decided i was not going to put up with it anymore. Gave that friendship the heave hove. Have not talked to him since.

I believe my eye sight went down a little bit...(gotta get that checked out to be for sure.. but i really believe it did) But the good thing is I can just go and get that checked and fix the problem! YAY for technology! :-) (but if the problem continues to go southern... I might go and see about Lasik. Hmm.. I heard it works.. but we shall SEE.. get it.. SEE! hahahahahaha)

I went to JAPAN in June! Oh My gosh.. that trip was beyond AMAZING!!! I really want to go back.. Everything out there.. the people.. the streets. the lights.. the dancing.. the technology, the culture, the food, the cars, the walking, EVERYTHING was sooo much different out there it blew my mind. I went out there to dance and ended up really enjoying myself.. Thanks Boogiezone Breed for the opportunity. That trip was also my Graduation gift from my mother.. Thanks Mom.

Speaking of my Mother.. My Mom's Husband was released from Prison in June also... That/This is one of the toughest things i have had to deal with in my life... People really do not understand the situation... so I deal with it on my own...... I am living with a guy i really do not like. I have told him plenty of times over the years how much i dislike him, and for my mother to marry him behind everyone's back and then not tell anyone until there was nothing we could do or say was wrong.. sooo wrong to me.... And then she is going to talk about acceptance but then not accept me being gay and who i would like to date....
At least i am not hiding mine... who i am interested in and everything...
My mom has never asked me once what i felt about her marrying him, because she does not care. She has told me that herself. She has also told me that when i date someone, that she does not want to meet him or even have him in the house. She can not accept me or him. So... Why should i accept who she is married to.. I mean.. I did not like this dude from the first time i saw him.. (back in 1997) and the simple fact that he broke my mom's heart and then the next thing i know they are married while he is still in prison makes no sense to me. She linked him to this family and i feel he is getting a free ride.. IT'S FUNNY THOUGH WATCHING HIM as he does not know how to do ANYTHING since he has been out of the real world for soo long! HAHAH!
Me and my mothers relationship is horrible just because of her actions.. but whatever.. I am tired of trying.

I got braces......... Again.
I fell in LOVE with music... Again...
I became obsessed with the internet... Unfortunately... Again.

I started a cologne collection.. and I am quite Proud of my collection soo far.. and i want more! I love to smell good! AHHH... and when someone else smells good... Boy you just don't know what it does to me!!! (Darrick calms himself down...) it is a BIG + IN my book.. AHHHH.. hahahahahahahaha

Umm.. OHH... My 24th Birthday!! I did not do anything.. and if i did.. i do not remember so it must not have been THAT great! But i am thankful for making it to 24! HeeHee!

I did my first Dancing Carnival!!!! Ummm.. Actually this year i danced in Two Carnivals! (Thanks Audge & Ricky and Boogiezone)
I had such an amazing time doing them and learning about another part of dance through those experiences.

I also went to Halloween Horror Nights At Universal with my cousins and some of my dancing team Breed.. I had an Scary time there also.. it was funny watching Mario Get scared all up and down the park! HAHAHA.. We need to do it again! HAHAHAH

And then I had my Major Jaw Surgery on the 18th of December....
Man...
This has changed my life literally forever...
My Bite is all good now and i wont have chipped teeth by the time i am 30 anymore! YAY!!! Preventing things before they happen is Amazing! I am still in recovery mode as i wont be able to chew anything until the end of January. But that is ok.. Because i know it is a small price to pay for a long lasting result.
I will never take for granted chewing and food ever again..
That first week was HELL having to eat everything through a straw or have it blended up! EWW! and now i am eating softer food, but only if i can stick it in my mouth and tongue it down to death and then swallow it. HAHAHAHA.... everyone laughs at me when i eat because I eat soo slow! HAHAHA...

Speaking of food.. I did up my cooking skills TREMENDOUSLY this year.. MAN I AM SOO PROUD OF WHAT I CAN COOK AND HOW I PLAY WITH SEASONINGS AND everything.. It's one of my biggest accomplishments of this year.. because i know it will only grow from now on.... This year was Desserts.. next year is Dinner!!!!! Actually tomorrow i am learning how to make New Years dinner.. (even though i know how to make it already.. i am watching and learning again just to be sure)

And as for Tonight I did not have any plans until yesterday when a friend invited me to his house for a little get together. This will be the 2nd time I would have gone to his house for New Years Eve. I am excited.. i mean.. it's nothing big and over the top.. but it works for me.. a few friends... some good food (that i cant eat.. ha ha ha.. tear.. hahahahaha).. some alcohol. (that I WONT drink, since i am on my last of medications) and some good music until we bring in the new year.. Like a Grown and Sexy House Party... and i'm down with that...

2O11... I look forward to what you have to teach me... I bring with me NO expectations.... Just Excitement... Only God Knows what is in Store and I leave it all to Him...
So 2O1O is only a memory... and 2O11 is only a Mystery... Imma Live Day by Day, Hour By Hour, Minute by Minute..
Overall... Imma Just do me... Cuz that is what I am the best at...
SEE YA in 2O11 BLOGGER! With MORE of that Juicy Juicy that makes me... ME!

Letter From Santa 2010

I wrote a letter to Santa this year and this is what he wrote back.

(Rein)DEAR Darrick

I really Appreciated your letter this year to me. It was filled with real true genuine emotions and feelings and that can never go unnoticed. I have been watching you very closely this year to see how naughty or nice you have been. I can truly understand your hurt and grief when it comes to your relationships with people who used to be close to you in your life. AS SANTA knows, Everything we do comes at a price. If i am not tending to the reindeer enough they become mad at me. If i am not spending enough time with Mrs. Clause because of tending to the reindeer, she becomes upset with me. Trust me when i say, everything we do comes with a price. If the price is good or bad depends on us, but it is a price nonetheless.

I have seen how much you have grown over the past year in emotions, and I am very proud of that. The world you live in is Tough, and i am glad you are handling it with dignity. Tough skin is good (Especially on that cold winter night I have to Deliver all those presents!! WHEW, Below Zero Temperatures are NOT fun! But the Joy of giving makes it all worth it).

CONGRATS ON GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!! ALL THAT HARD WORK FINALLY PAID OFF. The elves gave me a gift from them to put in your stocking. :-)

And Aww, I see You can not chew anything because of your surgery you recently had. I am sorry to hear and see your swollen Fat Chubby face. (Side Note Darrick Talking now: That was RUDE of Santa.. RUDE RUDE RUDE!!!!! haha)
It will Heal though in due time. And hopefully you will NEVER have to go through that again. I put an "extra" present under the tree just because you are going through this. :-)

Oh How can I forget about your Growth as a Dancer! Wow. I loved the set with the Clowns. (Even though I was not fond of the name. Such potty mouths) but it was a little too scary for Mrs. Clause, Rudolph, and some of the elves. Your team had me grooving in my Pajamas (Mrs. Clause Chuckled behind me because she remembers how bad i dance, but Making all these toys all year leaves no room for dance classes, that is why i am HAPPY Youtube gave me the opportunity to watch the dance sets.)

Well this is getting long and I have plenty more to write, but i just wanted to say Overall this year You have been on my Nice List. There have been a few instances that put you on my naughty list for quite some time, but at the end of the year my tally for you is more Nice than Naughty. So I hope you enjoy your Gifts I delivered to you. Enjoy the Family you are with. And the friends You have. Things are looking up for you. I know there are other things you desired on your list that I was not able to bring. But i feel with hard work, and persistence you will APPRECIATE them more when you can buy them on your own. Remember, I am here to reward and help you. Not be your Sugar Daddy! TRICK!!!!!! <---- (Did I use that Term Correctly?! Mrs. Clause does not think so! HAHAHA)

Well, On to the next year. Enjoy 2011, and remember, everything heals in due time. Growth comes when we least expect it, and surprises are around every corner. LIVE, Be daring, and bold. Take Initiative, speak your mind, and never hold back, because when you start to do the lack thereof, you're not living anymore.. your just being, and being lazy, and being lazy never Leads to Anything but failure.

And You Darrick Are NOT a Failure!

Nice to Hear from you.

Till Next time.

Kris Kringle

"Santa Clause"

P.S. NEXT YEAR MAKE ME A WHOLE RED VELVET CAKE. I took a PIECE and I LOVED IT! (IT'S BETTER than Mrs. Clause's, but don't tell her I told you that! Hee Hee. I love and would like to keep my Marriage! HAHAHAHA.) I will be expecting it next year.

S.C.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas To All! :-) I hope Santa Gives You everything You wanted!
More Details to come... I hope! HAHAHAHAHA

Day 4.

Had my Jaw surgery 4 days ago on the 18th of december...
This is not a fun or easy process...
I cant eat anything solid for 6 weeks...
Nothing i have to chew..
Soup... Mashed Potatoes...Yogurt, Ensures, and Boosts are all i can basically have.. ohh.. and Jell-o...
As i sit here i really want to cry because i have not been outside in the last 4 days.. I sit.. and sit.. and watch the time pass oh soo slowly..
I try to watch t.v.. i try to read books. i try to play games.. I try to do anything i can just to make the time go by faster..
But
Nothing Suffices...
They told me The swelling will go down in the 2nd or 3rd weeks after the surgery..
But.. I can still have swelling until ten weeks after the surgery...
I look like a Chipmunk...
I have had my wisdom teeth pulled out before and that for the two weeks of recovery was not that bad..
But this... This right here.. Is like torture..
I would not wish this on ANYONE...
But then again.. I want EVERYONE to experience this so that they know what i am going through...
Some people do not realize how much we take for granted the food we eat..
Man what I would do for a Cheeseburger right now...

On My Own

If it's not one thing.... It's another..... I have soo much on my mind it is really ridiculous... But this is what Life is about right.. Learning about things everyday.... The older i get the more i realize i really am on my own... Mentally, physically, socially... and The more i live.. the more i am ok with that...
Like i am getting used to being and doing everything by myself... and accepting it...
Like for instance.. yesterday...
I performed.. (I was not comfortable performing in my outfit but hey... the show must go on right... hahaha) But after the performance i was suppose to go to my friends brother's party.. she ended up needing to talk to someone and wanting to ride home with them.. which means.. no party for me.. So i was like ok.. (kind of bummed cuz i wanted to meet her brother and party with him cuz he seems really cool).. So I proceeded to make my way home..... i was driving home and my other friend invited me to play Monopoly and/or Volleyball with his friends, who i know, and i was all for it cuz i just did not want to go home... so I am driving to where i was told to meet them and then he tells me, when i am basically there, that they are bailing out of the idea... I was pissed.. but said.. ok.. thats cool.. feeling a little more disappointed...But i proceeded on my way towards home..... Then I called my other friend to see if he wanted to hang out and just chill together... and he told me he was just going to stay in tonight.. (which.. at this point.. was what i wanted to do) and i said.. thats cool I don't mind doing that.. and he said.. well..... i'm at home and just hanging with some other friends.. (which to me means.. i'm sorry.. But your not welcomed) So i just decided to finally go home... but the funny thing is that i was going to hang out with him on friday, since his date cancelled on him, i was going to fill in and chill with him. He wanted to go out and party, and i was saying we should just chill and drink and laugh and be stupid. He did not want to do that. but he ended up doing exactly that.. but just with other people. meaning staying at home and drinking with some friends... Like the same thing he did yesterday night...
The moral of that story is that there were 3 instances where i was bailed out on or just not invited to...
It sucks not feeling like i can have someone to just hang out with and talk to after i had a long kind of downer week...
These last couple of months... well.. year... i have found a pattern..
If anything.. 2010 has taught me that sometimes it is better to be alone...
Most Definitely in Love..But also in friendships... I know of ONE person who i can truly call a friend.. Love ya Mario... and maybe that is all i need..
2010 was the year of being alone...
Like i said... If it's not one thing.. it's another...
If it's not learning about being alone in relationships status.....Then its about being alone in Friendships....If it's not friendships, its Mentally (meaning no one understands me)
No pity party needed...
This part of my life, and being alone, is going to guide me to something bigger and greater then what i can see right now..
It's the process of going through it that may be tough..
But it is all for good..
It's All for the good of the future...
Or that's what i keep telling myself...
"Hold on.. everything will work out... "
So I keep a smile on my face,
Keep My head held High.....
And just Keep it pushing...
On My Own...
I'm Doing it...
On My Own...
And I'm Ok with that...
So if its not one thing its another...
But I'm Learning it
And doing it..
On my Own...

Party of Sex.

My Friend Just invited me to a sex party.. Umm. I have never been to one before.. I'm Scared... should I even go?! It would be a new and different experience.. but i am not sure.. People still throw those?! OH MY GOSH! really... It would be interesting.. but i would not want to have anything to do with the people i saw there.. OH NO.. what if i recognize someone.. AHHH.. what if they recognize me?! AHHHH... Umm...

My friend just invited me to a sex party... I have never been to one before.. I'm Scared...

But maybe...

Just maybe...

Naw...
(heehee)

OMG.

Ohh my gosh!!!! OH MY GOSH!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!

I realized that what i was thinking and feeling was not even worth it. ..

Like... You cute and All...
But not worth all the tears and whatnot i put in it...

Oh My Gosh...
FOR REAL?!

Like.. everything just became soo clear to me!

Moving on and REALLY realizing things feels Great...

Sure i would like someone to hold..
But it is not necessary...

and that.. Is what I came to realize right now...

The necessity of having someone is gone
Like i used to think in order to be happy.. I had to have somebody...

But it's not even like that...

I have to enjoy being by myself...
Loving Myself..
Enjoying My OWN company....
Why couldn't it really CLICK sooner...

Like this real realization was out of NOWHERE!

i DON'T need It...
I want it..
But I don't Need it!

What I NEED to do is focus on What I HAVE to do in order to get WHERE I want to go...

and THAT does not take someone else holding my hand.



So when i say OMG.. it does not mean "Oh My Gosh"....

It Means "On My Grind"...

Cuz that's exactly what i am going to be...

By Myself...

And I'm Soo down with that!

Void!

I just want to void of love to leave..
I don't want to have that void anymore
I don't want to think about love..
I don't want to think about emotions
and someone caring... I don't want it..
I don't want it
I don't want it.
I don't want love...
the void of love.....
Needs to go...
Now..
Please...
Now...

On It...

I Noticed some things that are quite disturbing...
Just gotta uplift myself and tell myself that everything will come in due time....
Until then.. Just gotta Stay On My Grind.

Overall Really

Overall Really.... All I want is Everything.
Is that too much to Ask?

Hate

I know hate is a STRONG word.. but... that's what i am feeling right now... Hatred! Towards Who?.... My Mother!

Being Gay

To me..... Being gay is one of the hardest things i have to deal with....
to seeing friends wanting to kill themselves
to just feeling like i am Not wanted or even needed...
just because i am gay.
I went out yesterday for a friends birthday and saw how easy it was for her to get and talk to guys...
when i try to do that.. i get stared at and rejected quicker the an old bottle of rotten milk..
and i ask myself..
what is wrong with me?
Am i ugly,
Do i stink,
what is wrong...
I always seem to get looked over for some reason....
Today i am a lot stronger then what i was 365 days ago..
But i still feel that it is not enough
(Delete)
(Delete)
(Delete)
Sigh.....
soo much is going through my mind...
i have written and deleted soo much of this post...
it's crazy..
bottom line is...
Sometimes i think being gay is the hardest things i have to deal with.

How I Got These Scars.

Oct. 10th?! What?!

It's something about October 10! This day is starting to show a pattern.. maybe i should be paying attention... Hmmm... I've never felt soo much Deja'vu in one day before.... and it was REAL Deja' Vu... Literally the same thing happened this year that happened last year... October 10th.... This one day is starting to have great importance, whether for the good or the bad... let's see what happens october 10th, 2011! HAHAHA

10/10/10

Happy 10/10/10.. Enjoy this Lucky Day!!!! hahaha..

hmmm.....

does the person create the journey, Or does the journey create the person?

1

Today... unofficially.. but today... saturday...makes 1.

haha... it's funny cuz without this event.. this Site would not have been created.

So the good comes from the bad...

I think i will make some scones now...

Peace!

One thing I miss Most.

I want.....
I need...
I wish......
I contemplated....
I often contemplate.......
I desire......
I conspire.......
I regret.......
I suspect.....
I live........
I love........
I miss........



Writing.

Birthday Rant....

Enjoy! :-)

All A Dream

I paint my nails black, cuz it fits my mood


I'm tired of lookin' around for something to prove
You don't know how it feels inside my skin




But neither do I, because I numb the feeling

Take it away, all of my pain
I gotta bottle I need to finish

Take it away, take it from me
Cuz if you don't, I might drown in it

And I keep tellin' ma, tellin' ma, tellin' myself

That my bad luck's gonna go away
And I keep tryin' and tryin' and try, try to win
But I'm losing every day

I wanna get up and fight, but I don't have the time
I'm too busy feelin' sorry for me
When it looks like the clouds are gone
I wake up, it was just a dream,


It was just a dream,
It was just a dream, it was all a dream

I walk around, cold to the warmth of life


I see ya tryin' to talk, but I'm deaf to lies

Right, I believe in promises of tomorrow
If I don't make it there, know that I'm that sorry, though







Take it away, take it from me
Cuz I really wanna believe
After the rain, someone'll say
There's really more for me......

See, I've been through Hell and I am still yet to come back
There is no conductor to get this on track

I have dreams of freedom from the circumstance I'm in

If it's in His plans for me, then I will win

I'll just dream til' then

I keep tellin' ma, tellin' ma, tellin' myself

That my bad luck's gonna go away

And I keep tryin' and tryin' and try, try to win

But I'm losing every day

I wanna get up and fight,

But I don't have the time

I'm too busy feelin' sorry for me
When it looks like the clouds are gone
I wake up, it was just a dream, it was just a dream
It was just a dream, it was all a dream
It was just a dream

Just A Dream. Jojo. 2010

I'm Ready.

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respects the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready...................



"Ready For Love"
India Arie... 2000

happy birthday.

happy birthday to me... thanks!

Period.

I am just doing me...

Whenever You're Around.

I've been talking to this man
He's been saying what I like and
He makes me smile,
When I'm down

He says sweet things in my ear
All the things that I needed to hear
But that's as far as it's gone
I promise

But I enjoy it,I love it so
Cause it seems like I'm always alone
You're at arms reach
But baby,
Where are you?

Cause I got this fire
Sweet and true
But I'm cold as ice around you

Cause I'm lonely
Whenever you're around

Whoa.
What happened to the wonderful thing
we had
It seems like you're missing in action
And I'm tired,
I'm tired
I'm tired,
I'm tired,
I'm tired,
I'm tired

I don't wanna lose this good life
But I ain't scared
If I'm going to be the only one participating
in this.


Cause I'm lonely
Whenever you're around......

Jill Scott..

I LOVE you for this one! I Love this song also! Man.. I am soo in love with this song!!!!
Deep Lyrics!

Celibacy Blues.

This here celibacy thing
Lawd,just got something over me
Like an addict,I could really use a thing
You know what I'm talking about
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah

It's been hard to sleep at night
I'm ying ying ying ying it
Scratching it right
I get some new batteries almost every night
Lawd,this here celibacy thing

The stresses of this world
You know how they come down on a girl
I'm trying to clear my mind
But all I seem to find
Is this gangsta,gangsta,type of need

People say mind over matter
But,I don't mind what they say
And it don't matter
This here celibacy thing
Is working on me...
Ugh

-Jill Scott

This song is amazing.. and speaks to me right now!
But still gotta Wait.....

Love This Class.. go to 1:03....

Because She is... Your Mother

It's soo Hot.. I think I need some Ice Cream :-)

The video is a Nice treat also! :-) Enjoy!

Random Thoughts of Me.

If This was all...

If This was all we ever were.... At least I Loved enough to Hurt.

Random Rant...

Let It Go!

So... Today I am feeling good feeling Great...
I have taken on this whole new attitude since Sat... I had a talk with my aunt and it really opened up my mind to things that need to be done.. Letting things Go...
I will not succeed and be myself if i am holding on to things.. I noticed in the last year that i started to Hold on to things and not forgive people for different things they have done to me or to people close to me.. But while they are living their lives care free not caring what they did, I hold it in and and hurting.. Not progressing with my growth but actually hindering it.
Forgiving and Letting things Go!! I have been feeling really good since i put on that attitude.. Feeling Less weighed down... and I have more energy and everything... If i would have known letting things go would make me feel this good.. I would have done it 9 to 10 months ago!
I use to be the person who was very slow to anger and looked at the best in people.. but then i started to turn to a Darrick i was not happy with... and now with Letting things Go and forgiving... I am starting to Go back to that Darrick i use to be (Happy, Loving, viewing the best in people) but with more Knowledge with what life lessons have taught me!I was starting to feel like A "Bag Man" just like in Erykah Badu's song "Bag Lady". That song along with my aunt really woke me up... especially the lyric's
"Girl I know sometimes it's hard
And we can't let go
Oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
You can't deny it you can't stop crying
So oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin
Then you won't believe it
You'll feel so much better
(So much better baby)"

LET IT GO, LET IT GO, LET IT GO, LET IT GO!
Those lyrics stuck out to me...

In the near future i am going to start forgiving everyone that did me wrong and really just Let it Go..Not for them.. but for the betterment of ME! I am not going to concern myself with other people's things because when i do.. I usually get the back end of things.. and
So that's what i am going to do... Forgive and let Go.. Not forgetting.. But just letting it go and not letting it affect me anymore.. because those people have gone on with their lives and are not concerned.. so i should not be concerned...
Really letting it go...
Let it Go...
Let it Go..
Really....
Letting it......
GO!
:-)

Random Thoughts of An Emotional Prisoner

(Sigh)
Even though you might not ever read this...
Im conflicted on the fact of how i feel..
Literally one minute its good, and the next minute it is bad..
i dont understand it..
Emotional roller coasters can never be a good thing... especially at the fast pace that i live in...
I think this post is just coming from the feeling of not wanting to be home.. but not knowing what i want to do...i feel like an emotional prisoner and stranger in my own home... Weird I know.. But everyday i am faced with an emotion i have not felt before.. And not knowing how to deal with these new emotions takes me on a ride i was not expecting... Literally one minute i can be happy.. then the next minute i feel like crying.. tssk...
The things we do for the people we love....But what about the things we do for the people who dont love us... HAHA... It's a trip...
As you can see i have soo much going on in my mind its hard to focus in on one particular thing.
I can't sleep... but that may have to do with me taking a nap earlier today...
I found myself sitting and thinking in my room just about.....everything...
I feel like i am stuck in a rut... but i do not know how to get out.
Sometimes i really feel disgusted at the thought of having a boyfriend...
Sometimes i feel like i NEED one...
Many times i feel i dont deserve a boyfriend...Not because of the things i have done in my life, but because i am not happy with Myself and the way that I am...
Many times i feel people don't deserve me... Because i won't settle for what i do not want, or because people just dont appreciate all the things i would do for them...
Sometimes I wish i lived another Life...One of just doing everything opposite of what i am doing now..
Maybe then i would have the things i want..
They say the nice guy finishes last...
sigh...
well....
:-/

I then look at people who are a mess,trust me.. they are HOT MESSES.. rude, all they care about are themselves, and how they can mislead people... and they have a boyfriend?.. hmmm... confused.. yes!
LOL
anyway.. I dont want to focus on the things I do not have..
but mainly on the different emotions i am feeling.. its draining all my energy!
How can i take a long nap.. wake up.. be up for an hour.. and then feel like i just ran a 40 mile marathon! it's because of these dang emotions...

143
143
143...
Typically stands for I love you.....
But.. Sometimes in my case.. it stands for I Hate You...
All these emotions are making me a Very Nonchalant person.. An emotionless individual...i dont want to give in to one emotion but they hit me like a Bulldozer.. But on the outside i seem together.. But on the inside it is a wreck!
Feeling like i can't escape and have some peace...
Feeling like an Emotional prisoner with no means of escape!
I could go on for Hours...
But i will stop here.
this will be a time i will NEVER wan tto revisit or come back to ever once this is over..
(Sigh)
I don't know if you will ever read this.. But...
This confliciton is causing me a whole deal of emotional pain...
Emotional Pain that was started out many moons ago... I thought it was gone.. but now it's resurfacing for me to deal with... And hopefully, really hoping that one day I will conquer.

Chains That Bind.

Feeling Like an Emotional Prisoner and Stranger in your own Home is a frustrating experience. But it takes a strong individual to break free from the emotional chains that bind... and i am cutting them loose, but in the process becoming a Known Emotionless individual.

Tonight is a Good Night

Tonight would be a good night to sit on the curb with my man and just talk... and think.. and just be.. together..
I have always had a fantasy (No not sexual) of just siting on the curb on a warm summer night's dusk just chillen.. no expectations... no anything.. but just chillen.. maybe talk about ANYTHING... lay and look up into the sky while the sun continues to go down... maybe lay in the front yard with a blanket and just hold hands while the wind blows between our hair...

Yea.. tonight seems like a good night to do just that...As i sit here and think i see that I still envy the people who have what they want in relationships...( I have not talked about relationships on here for a while so i think it is time to revisit... just for a little bit....) When i see couples all over each other and showing each other love i feel a void inside... i feel a little bit of anger.. and i feel a little bit robbed of that feeling... I can't help but recall my past for people (multiple) when i see people that have what i want.... feeling that void getting bigger and bigger every time someone rejects me... or has rejected me... honestly.. it started out in 2006.. when i got my first rejection... i shed one tear.. but moved on... then again in 2007... a major rejection.. but i shed no tears.. but i felt the void getting bigger and i kept the emotions in... nothing in 2008.. but then again in 2009.. and i think that was what made everything come out... it was all the major moments of me opening up to people and all of them turning me down but telling me i am awesome for someone else that just finally broke me.....Broke me.. into millions of pieces.. caused everything to go downward for me.. But.. I am reminded of those things when i see people loving on each other.. how robbed i felt... how used.. how cold i had become.. i hated Love... cuz love Hated me... some days i still feel like no one is out there that is going to be the one for me... but.. all i can do is wait... so I should be patient.. I have learned that good things come to those who wait... well.. I must have something awesome in the works.. or maybe that qoute is a cop out for people who are not going to get anything.. and so they wait and wait and wait.. but get nothing in the end.. and that is NOT how i want to be..
Love... its a love/hate relationships we have...
I see random love in my moms husband being home.. He came home on monday... im not cool with it.. but i think my mom is happy.... its weird and i do not understand it but it is love nonetheless.. can i just have a slice of real love... Please..
all i want is a sample.. that would help ease this pain for now... something real between the both of us.. anyway....

I don't know why i just wrote all of that cuz.. all i wanted to say was...
Tonight seems like a good night to sit on the curb with my man and just talk... and think... and just be... together.. but the problem is.. i don't have one... so back into my fantasy world i go.... as i sit... and think... alone.. with no love of my own...

Best to Those Who Couldn't Care Any Less.

it's crazy how often we give our best to those who care about us the least and the ones we love and who love us most end up slighted. If you only have one smile left in you, give it to your family!
- Jessica Ashley Wilson...

You hit it right on Target.....

Japan.. Day 3

I’M LATE….I’M LATE… FOR A VERY IMPORTANT DATE!!!!!!!!
TODAY.. HAHA.. TODAY!!! I was woken up by someone knocking on my door telling me that I had TEN minutes to get ready.. and that everyone was waiting on ME and my Roommate Victor! HAHAHA.. WOW… I HAVE NOT GOTTEN READY SOO FAST IN A LONG TIME! So we get out there and everyone was waiting out there sweating.. haha.. well then we were off.. Off to the venue that we are going to perform at… it took us about 30 minutes to get there through two trains and walking a little distance.. The walking was nice.. That was the first time I really felt like I was in an actual city. I believe we are in a big entertainment city… Kayasaki…. We got to the venue and it is really nice.. we went basically straight into our tech rehearsal.. we got 25 minutes to tech and I think it looked good.. I forgot one move and it through me off for about an 8 count. AHH.. sucks.. cuz Marty Kudelka was watching… when industry people are watching I always want to kill it.. and I usually mess up.. HAHAHA… I think it is because I put too much pressure on myself.. But its ok.. I am learning to relax.. and just chill and dance… so then after we had our tech we watched our performance.. and I thought it was ok.. I think everyone can step it up more.. Especially me.. but I know I will….. all the other teams were sitting and watching us also.. so it was a little more pressure.. but I had fun… Then after that a small group of us went to find something to eat while I went to find an ATM.. it was Devin. Hershey, Victor, Alyssa, Marley, Devin’s Dad, and Mark (ken). If I forgot you.. sorry.. we found a place and it was aiight.. I accidently got BEER ifor a drink.. I thought it was water and I could not read the label.. but since I do not drink Beer at ALL… I had to force myself to drink it.. it was aiight.. and I felt it somewhat after drinking it.. HAHAHA… then I Wwent to look for an ATM.. I found one in a LOCAL 7-11 store (7i and Holding) and got about $100 out.. they charged me 9 dollars to take some money out.. but I am soo thankful for my mother for putting money in my bank… Wow.. I am soo appreciative! So after that I went to look for my belt.. I found a store with belts but they were really expensive.. 64 dollars.. I was like “I’M COOL” and I bounced. We then got separated from the rest of the group.. so it was just me and devin and her dad.. WE FOUND SOME HUGE GREEN ONIONS AND CARROTS! YAY! I was on a mission to find some.. HAHA!!! We then went back to the venue and chilled for about 3 hours! Listened to some good 90’s music.. .Thanks Cuenza for the speakers!!!! Got dressed and then…
Performed.. In front of a lot of people.. the People here are soo energizing.. they were cheering for us like we were in CONCERT! It was amazing.. the lights.. the crowd. And everything just got us all pumped up!!! The crowd would wave at us while we were dancing and just .. dang.. I loved it.. HAHA! Then I went back and watched the rest of the show.. it was really good.. the American and Japanese crews were insane!!! They had one where it was just two people.. a guy and a girl.. but the guy was dressed like a female and he was SOO FULL OUT! Amazing!!! Some of the crews had little kids.. and they were RAUNCHY!!! But good nonetheless… and now we are back at the hotel and they are trying to figure out if they want to go to the studio tonight or not.. But if we do.. we will be stuck till 5 AM because that’s when the trains start operating again.. because they stop at 1230 at night! So… I do nto think I will be going.. I might go to Denny’s by myself and just explore the night life.. something where I do not have to take the train! HAHA! But This is going to be a short post because I am dead tired!!!!! Anyway.. that was my Thursday.. I hope yall Thursday at home is going well… Have a great Day America! Cuz I know yall are Just waking up to it! But Congrats Claremont High School Class of 2O1O.. yall did it.. Peace
Dae

Japan. Day 2

Well.. It is 3:27 a.m. here in Japan and I am here for my second edition of My Japan trip…
Today I woke up in a HOT HOT sweat.. Well.. it was because the air conditioner was nmot on.. and I was under the covers… It was gross.. I felt bad for victor because he had to sleep right next to me and I was sweating.. So I put a towel down under me so that I did nto even feel the sweat. GROSS! But anyway.. That is how I woke up this morning… So then after I got dressed, brushed my teeth. And did all the necessary things I needed to do to get ready I decided to go to get something to eat with Yoko, Victor, Angela, Angela’s Mom, Shay, an d a few others (if I forgot you, please forgive me!) to this French Pastry spot right across the street from our Hotel.. Ohh.. Our HOTEL IS THE New Otani Inn.. its nice.. Anyway.. So I got a few things that were different.. Like a hot dog with like tomato and sugar sauce on it.. it was pretty good.. and also a kind of pizza thing.. that was good also.. and a Donut! HAHA.. ohh.. AND some mango Juice!!! YUMMY! Hahaha… It was then that I realized that after I bought those items I would not have enough to do ANYTHING else, because of the money situation.. you see.. I needed to save 280 something dollars to pay for the hotel.. but I was starting to dig into that money by buying these items.. I had spent in ONE DAY OVER 100 DOLLARS!!!! I wanted to SCREAM! The reason I had spent soo much is because the exchange rate from American dollars TO Japanese Yen WAS SOO HIGH that when I exchange a load of cash it took away a lot of my money just for the processing fee.. UGH.. then I bought a bus pass and a train pass.. and two meals.. and my money was GONE! So I decided to look around for an ATM. Yoko was nice enough to go with me (thank you) and a few boogiezone and offspring peeps.. We found onbe and I went to get money off the card.. and the card kept getting Declined.. Kind of embarrassing.. but I will get over it! I tried about 5 times.. Yoko tried.. I wished, Prayed and Hoped it would work.. But no luck! UGH! So then I was like.. dude! I have to get money.. not only for the hotel.. BUT FOR FOOD!!!! Umm.. I am not trying to go HUNGRY over here in a land I know NOTHING about.. Umm.. What I look Like?! WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?! Hahaha! Anyway…
I then watched the first half of the laker game!! LAKERS!!! YAY!!!! YOU BETTA WIN!!! The good Thing about sports out here have NO commercials.. so everything the people who are there in the venue see. we saw also.. it was tight! I had to leave early in order to meet up with the group going to Boogiezone Uptopia…
So after that we decided to go to BOOGIEZONE UTOPIA! Which is one of the Main reasons Why we are here! I liked the Place.. it shocked me that it was on the Bottom floor of a business building.. But the place is Nice.. two rooms.. Room A and Room B.. Room B I believe is a little bit bigger then Room A, but they are BOTH nice.. Keoni and Mari were there today and they are a big deal in the Dancing Community.. They are nice.. But I am not star struck over them.. but they are Bomb Dancers! We practiced there for about 2 hours.. I think… I think… LOL.. and got some things settled there.. Ohh.. before we got really deep into practicing we had a mini break.. So I was walking around and noticed that they had a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream.. So I go in there all confident and everything.. I try like three different flavors.. Decided on one flavor.. was about to ask for the flavor… (thank goodness I did not) thought the sign said 30 yen for a scoop… but then realized I did nto have 30 yen ☹ …. Umm… I was asking for thirty yen from Angela and Shay but.. I only ended up with 20.. But then angela pointed out that It was 30 yen for an UPGRADE to a waffle cone from the original prcie.. so then I felt like I failed.. and told the man.. I am sorry.. I cant afford your ice cream.. and I had to walk out.. Ice cream less… Aww.. It was really embarrassing.. I felt like I had wasted his time.. ☹ Anyway.. so we practiced hard.. Offspring did they thing.. breed did they thing.. and Entity (Devin) Represented also! We all came together in front of elm for the first time in Japan..Elm gave us some pointers in order to make the set better… .They were good pointers.. Elm is a great leader.. CALM WHEN NEED BE.. BUT SERIOUS WHEN IT IS TIME TO GEFF (Geff= Get it Together…. Work it out! Time to Kill it! Serious Time) It is leaders like this that make the world go round… I look Up to that…
So then after that I decided to go back to the hotel with Elm and Bobby while everyone else had a few hours to kill before we needed to meet up again at 10 p.m. for a meeting with EVERYONE that was performing on Thursday. I decided to go and get my laptop and go to the ONLY PLACE IN THE HOTEL THAT HAS FREE WIRELESS (which is where I am at now) it is in this little corner in the Cut of the Hotel.. HAHA! Its cool though.. gives me time to think.. but only if no one is in here.. like now.. But earlier everyone and the Grandma was in here.. It was soo noisy and loud! I was tryin g to Skype with Mario (Another guy from breed who unfortunately could not make it out to Japan… Breed Misses you man!) and I could hardly hear him…
OH OH OH.. let me tell me about my little dilemma!!! So I had no money right.. I could not pull out any money and I did nto want to spend my hotel money..(which I was now short off) so I was trying to get in contact with my mother.. which I could not.. everytime I would try to dial out of Japan from my cell phone I would get a busy tone.. even after putting in the special code to call out.. So I had to ask my friend Ashley over the internet through Facebook to call my mother whom she has never meet before and it was like 11 at night to tell my mom that I needed more money.. My mom was worried because she thought I had not emailed her letting her know I had made it safely….. but I did, and she also did not know if I was ok…. So Ahley told her I was ok and that I needed money….My mom , in order to talk to me since my aim is not working right now… made a yahoo messenger name and decided to talk to me there.. notice I was still talking to Mario through Skye and also talking to Ashley who was directing me on what my mother said before she finished making her yahoo account.. It was soo much.. Then my mother had to call the hotel in Japan and then call the Banks Operator.. we were on the phone for a while.. so I do not know how much that is going to be! Wow! I can only imagine! HAHA… but then we got everything settled so I should be able to have money by the time I wake up… anyway… after that I decided to Chill for a few hours talking to people online, and then went to go and get some Subway…THEY HAVE TERIYAKI CHICKEN out here y’alll..i got a teriyaki and turkey sandwich.. with pickles.. olives., guacamole (which they squeezed from a BAG! Ugh!!!) a lemon sauce, an onion sauce, and salt and pepper.. it was actually pretty good!
I then decided to eat in my room.. and then I went outside and just SAT outside thinking.. Dancing.. Trying to really take in JAPAN!!!! People were waling by looking at me but I id not care.. I let the semi Humid breeze sweep me away and take me to a place that I had not been before! By this time it was time for the meeting.. went to the meeting.. SAW MARTY KUDELKA.. (which he is one of my fav choreographers! But I played it cool!!! Even though I wanted to be like “OH MY GOSH!!! CAN I JUST BE YOUR ASSISTANT PLEASE.. I’ll CLEAN YA BATHROOM DUDE OR ANYTHING… JUST LET LET ME TRAIN UNDER YOU!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!) haha… the meeting was cool and then offbrentity (Breed + Offspring + Entity) had another rehearsal… OH OH OH.. ok.. this is soo random but is was a new experience.. so prepare yourself… 3….2…1… OK.. So in the bathroom in our room the toilets are also a Bidet….So after I was done doing my business.. I was like.. Imma give it a try… I wanna see what all the fuss is about… AND WOW.. LET’S just say I have now felt the finer things in life and I NEED ONE IN MY HOUSE ASAP!!! Haha…. Clean has never felt soo good! HAHA! Y’all should try it!!! There GREAT!!!!! (Said in a Tony The Tiger Voice!)
So For thisrehearsal we did not go back to the Boogiezone Utopia site because the trains in order to get there were closed.. So we just practiced outside.. Tell me why we got told by the cops 4 times that we coumd not dance where we were dancing.. and everytime we got stopped we would move!!!! We ended up far from the place we started and we still got stopped.. We then just decided to meditate on the moves and really get the moves in our Bodies.. I think that helped because everyone was getting tired and sleepy.. Notice by this time it is after 2 A.M and many of us have been up since before 10 A.M. and we were just running around all day.. BUT I feel it was a good practice nonetheless.. I learned something… To focus on the ineer, and not necessarily focus on me soo much.. if you dance and have fun and interact and watch the team while you are dancing.. that will make the whole experience better for you.. and the audience.. because they will feel the unity and connective ness from within the group… Thanks Cheryl… Then after that we all went to our hotels.. and we they knocked out.. and I am here.. bloging and uploading pics..
That’s my Day two..
Hope you enjoyed! ☺
Day THREE.. AND SHOW DAY TOMORROW!! WE GONNA KILL IT OFFBRENTITY! ☺ WE BETTA! TRICKS!
Peace
DAE

Japan. Day 1

June 16th, 2010….
I’m In Japan!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!
So These last 2 days have been Days where plenty of things have happened…
It is 1:47 a.m. Wednesday morning here in Japan and it is only 9:47 a.m. TUESDAY morning in L.A…..
So let me tell you about my days.. or what felt like DAYS.. so far..
So on Monday morning L.A. time I was over Jarells house because I spent the night so that I could be closer to the LAX airport. We woke up at 6… and then 615.. and then 630.. and then 645.. BECAUSE his stank alarm kept going off.. but not just one alarm…. ALL OF THEM that he set on different appliances. So we finally get up and get ready to go.. He drops me off and I proceed to start my adventure to Japan. I go into the airport all nervous and when I get into the actually airport I see Yoko.. SO I FEEL RELIEVED. And she knows the Japanese language so I knew that was going to be a plus (at that point i told myself I was going to stay with her all the time we were there..! HAHA) So then we board our plane and we take off.. I was sitting next to this extremely nice lady and had a really good conversation with her about Life.. she gave me her business card because I told her I was with a dancing company, and she was an production coordinator. So I will give that card to Elm (the Creator of Boogiezone) and see what he wants to do with it. Oh.. someone was STANKING up on that plane!!!!! It was a horrid HOT MESS.. I think it was this elderly guy who took his shoes off!!! DANG I HOPE That ladt right next to me did not think it was me!!!!! So that flight was only to Vancouver so it took about two hours. That was the easy part. Me, Yoko, Devin, Her dad, Marley and a girl from the GRV team got off the plane and headed to Vancouver’s check point for immigrants. That took forever since there was ONLY ONE person helping everyone! After that check point we sat for about an hour, but the rest of OFFSPRING was there.. so we meet up with them.. We boarding this EXTREMELY nice AIR CANADA plane and took off.. Now… This flight had to be about 8 to 9 hours.. maybe even 10.. because I watched Three movies…. Started the fourth one.. Listened to Music, ate TWICE! And still had time to KILL! I have been on longer plane rides before but this time just was exhausting! I was sitting right next to some people I did not know and that kind of made the experience a little more depressing.. cuz I really had no one to talk to.. But I was talking to one of the offspring kids.. she is funny.. I do not know her name YET.. but I will later on in the trip…
The food on the plane was aiight… But If it was a precursor as to what was going to come in Japan then I need two double cheeseburgers everyday from an American food place.. Umm.. HAHA!!!
So we finally get off the plane and into Japan at around 4 o clock their time… We get our things and are met by Two Japanese girls.. they both were cute in their own unique way.. I was trying to figure out their roles in society.. meaning the kind of person they are and their personalities.. I found myself doing that a lot out here.. Looking at the way people dress, how they walk, and look, and trying to figure out if they are of the elite class of Japanese, or of the lower class.. I know that is wrong.. I just can’t help it..
Anyway… THANK GOODNESS FOR YOKO… since she knew the language it was easy for her to get around and navigate us real real extremely foreign people in this new land.. this AWESOME new land…
We decided to take this bus shuttle that would take us to a specific hotel, and then we would hve to take a train the rest of the way. Well.. the bus cost like $30 american dollars which is about 30,000 yen I believe. (I got all this Japanese money, and now I think I spent the majority of it.. AHH.. I need more.. I need to figure out how to receive more money) The group decided on the bus because we had a lot of luggage and it was big luggage ad we did nto want to haul it up the stairs, and down the stairs, and be crammed in the subway system while standing up and rushed along the paths. So we got a nice bus with air conditioning, and relaxation instead. It was nice.. We got off the bus… And had to walk a cool minute to get to the train station. The train station was nice.. we got a train pass which was $20 dollars , but we had to wait because at this point Devin and her dad went Missing!!! OH NO!!!!! did we lose or forget them at one POINT!!!! Oh no!!!!!! (I later found out that we did.. and now I am hearing that they found their way to the hotel and that they are ok.. Good.. I was worried) But while we were sitting at the train station while the host went to look for Devin and her dad I noticed that in the train station the Japanese just kept coming.. There was no real stops in the flow of commuters in the train.. I see the train is relied HEAVY upon in Japan… I don’t knmwo if we just came at the time everyone had gotten off or if the train is ALWAYS as busy as it was but it was crazy.. I also noticed that their attitudes were all like “GO GO GO GO” never did it seem to cross their mind to slow down and relax.. But that is just my opinion. We got on and off the train and had to walk a while before we actually got to the hotel.. By this time it was about 8 o clock at night. It had started to rain a little bit so now I am a little more moist on top of the moisture that had already collected from me wearing a sweater in 80 degree humid weather while walking with two big suitcases! I was starting to feel realy Nasty because of all the oil on my face.. I was sweating and all I wanted to do was TAKE A SHOWER! We get to the hotel.. And I realize…. They only have one Key to the rooms!!!!!! And since Victor is my roommate and he was already here.. He had the key.. So I went up to the room.. and guess what?! VICTOR IS NOT IN THE ROOM!!!! So I am standing outside looking a hot mess cuz I can’t get inside… So I ask the front men if they have a spare key and luckily they did.. The thing about this hotel in Japan is that everytime you leave the hotel, they want you to bring the key up to the front and leave it with them until you get back, just in case something happens and they need to get in.. They do have spare keys but they would highly not like to use them. I thinmk that is Neat but can also be a pain… especially since I was standing outside my room for 25 minutes..
So I get inside my room and see there is only ONE BED… umm…are me AND voctor suppose to sleep in this ONE bed?! HAHAHA.. ok… then I see how small everything is in the room and I was like “Darrick.. you surely are not in the States Anymore!” I think the room is cute though.. I meant to take pics of the room before everything got jacked up.. but it is ok.. HAHA.. .
I took a shower.. and almost hit my head on the CEILING because I am a GIANT when it comes to the bathroom.. I almost have to duck my head to get into the bathroom.. OHH.. in order for the main lights to come on inside the room you have to insert the key into the light switch.. so you wont have no lights.. unless you have a key.. HAHAHA.. neat.. and also different. I will take a picture of that.. trust…
So I took my shower.. felt good and then was hungry.. So me yoko and a few others went to find something to eat.. No being that I do not really enjoy Asian inspired food I was not particularly jumping for joy when we passed all of the choices in the immediate area.. But since I am in Japan I say you GOTTA try Everything you can!!!!! So we went to this place and I had Miso Soup with won tons in it , and some kind of appetizer… It was cool.. I just was still hungry when I left.. Then I went back to the hotel.. and took a nap.. And then victor came into the room a few hours later.. The sad thing about it is that when someone wants to do something in the room while someone is sleeping, the lights have to be on… Because they really do nto have separate lights.. that key turns on EVERYTHING.. so I was trying to sleep while the lights were on.. Ugh.. I know Victor did nto do that on purose.. but its just how it happened…. It’s all good though… So now Victor is sleep and I am in the dark (because I do nto want to disturb him with the lights) writing this at 2:27 a.m. I want to remember this whole trip for a long time… Who knows when I will have another opportunity to come to JAPAN! Tokyo Japan especially.. That’s ONLY been Day 1 in Japan.. Shoot.. 6 more to Go! YAY! TTYL peace!
Dae

Summer Kickoff/Graduation 2O1O

So this week i will say officially kicked off my summer... I mean.. went to the Mountain of Magic Twice in One week... Started working on my Body... and am getting ready for a vacation i soo deserve...
I gotta wash...Pack.. and then i am OFF! I am excited... Gonna see the sights and just really take in Everything i can. It's not everyday that I go out and explore... So imma make the most of it.
Me and my mothers relationship is getting better... Slowly... But better nonetheless...
Oh my gosh... you know what i just realized...
I DID NOT TALK ABOUT MY GRADUATION FROM COLLEGE!!!!!
wow..
i cant believe i let over two weeks go by without writing about it...
Well OK.. here is goes..

So my last semester in College i managed to get 5 A's and 2 C's! I am very proud of that...
This semester was not easy...
Having to wake up at 4 in the morning, get dressed, and leave my house by 6 at the LATEST because of all the traffic just to get to class by 8 in the morning was not something that was easy to do. Then to be at school until 10 p.m. was also draining. To then go to Rehearsal for Breed at 10:30 p.m. till about 2 or 3 in the morning, then have an hour drive to get home or stay in a hotel room because i had school the next day.. was not easy at all... Then to make time for homework, projects, friends, family, dealing with stress, depression, anger, all while keeping everything together.. was tough.. I honestly thought i was going to fail my classes this semester.. So to get the grades I received... was AMAZING! but that is what hard work and dedication does.. it pays off..
So overall my G.P.A for the last 5 years was aiight.. I mean.. I wish it was better but its the best that i could do with the situations throughout the last 5 years i was put through.
Wow... my college experience.. wow...
Its over...
i have learned a lot since coming in 2005... But i still feel the same...
Been through a lot.. but still feel the same...
I guess i am still Darrick,,,, But with a lot more knowledge on people and information...
Every year brought about different obstacles for me to get through .... Polishing and refining me into who i am today..
The people who taught me those lessons will probably never know what they put me through... but its all good..
But i guess that is what college is for... To learn.. not only about whatever you are majoring in.. But to learn about yourself...
I stepped out my box plenty of times, and sometimes crawled back in.. HAHA.. but i am a stronger, heart hardened individual because of what i have learned.. man i want to name some of the things i learned.. but for the sake of things getting long in THIS post.. i wont.. maybe once a week i will write on an experience i had in college and what i learned.. title the lessons.. "What I learned" haha... Anyway...
Graduation...
RIGHT... That's what I was talking about..
I had two different graduations..
One on 06/22/10 and one on 06/27/10
The graduation that was on The 22nd was the Black Graduation..
That graduation was fun and many family and friends and people i know came out.
Had a great speaker who talked about... ?.... dang.. I can not remember.. but i remember it was good!
Then off to san diego i went to perform with Breed.. so I did not get to hang out with anyone who came to that graduation...
But thats Ok...
Then the next graduation i was late.. HAHA.. i had to wak in with the communications department! haha.. it was funny..
But that one was a bit longer because it was the whole Liberal Arts Department Graduation.. there was plenty of people there.. and at that graduation everyone and their momma was trying to do it big! HAHA! it was nice though.. I have a few pictures.. i will upload some of them later...
I am glad that it is over..
But it is bittersweet.. Because now there is NO safety net under me.. I do not have the excuse of saying "I am in school" anymore.. I am nervous that i wont find a job.. I need a job.. hahaha.. But i know everything will work out the way it is suppose to..
So overall.. The Graduations were nice...Now onto the real World....
Let's Go!

Thank You.

After what I just told you... How I was on the back-burner to Everyone and Everything..

My Point was Proven Tonight....

I am Not, at all, Important to You...

Not even a little bit...

You Today have told and shown me this.....

But I Just did not want to believe it.

But I was even beat out by Alcohol.

Alcohol was chosen over me.....

An Inanimate Object.....

Was chosen.... Over me...

No Matter How you try to justify your reasonings....

The proof is in the Pudding...

I understand....

Your Point has been made loud and clear.

Thank You..... For Letting me Know.

Moving On.

What My Friend Mario Wrote to Me On Facebook.. It is all the truth..... Not even the simple seems like it's attainable....Actions Speak and Scream LOUDER then Words.......Darrick...Listen... and Move On.




I will say this only as an effort to make you fully understand just how wonderful you are.

I have watched you long for something that I always knew would never come to pass. Not because you are flawed or because you do not deserve what your heart desires. ONLY because the object of your affection does not deserve to be blessed with someone like you. I have watched you doubt yourself because you may feel like you are not good enough. I have watched you torture yourself in a fantasy world that will fortunately for your sake never become reality. I have watched this all the while hoping that one day you will begin to realize this on your own.
I cant watch anymore.

Lets explore this for a minute. Lets say that one day you get what you want. Do you honestly believe that it will be all that you dream it will be? Think of the person you met all those months ago, now think of everything you have learned about that person in this time, now think of the way that person treats you compared to how you treat them. Do you really feel that they have your best interest at heart? Do you really feel that this is the relationship you have always wanted? Do you really feel that they will change for you? I don't.

I have to ask why does it surprise you when you see there true colors time and time again. What are you expecting? I don't know if you realize what you are becoming? One minute your over it and I think all is great, and then you fall back in to the same situations, and fall for the same lines and you end up back at square one.

It is time to move one. It has been established that you cannot afford to keep this person in your life without heartache. You have tried over and over again and it does not work. I feel that it is in your best interest to cut them out of your life and move on. Stop hanging on to something so destructive. You are not a priority and you will not become priority overnight, over-a-week, over-a-month, year, decade, century, I just don't see it happening. The married man never leaves his wife for the mistress, and if he does she is only good until he finds another mistress. I just want to see you move on and be happy because that is what you deserve. Not to be stressed and feel inadequate. In the end the decision is your's but I honestly feel that you will never be fulfilled while waiting on the bench for your time on the field. You deserve to be a starter not a bench-warmer.

It's time for you to have everything that you deserve.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Darrick Talking)

All I wanted was to be friends...
And Feel appreciated...
I appreciate all I have learned in this situation...
I have learned the kind of man that I want....
You have helped me realize the things I value Highly in relationships and friendships...
The Things I stand for and value...
so Thanks!

And i am going to get all I deserve for being the kind, loving, caring, bend over backwards for the ones i care about guy..
I am worth more then how he treats me... I am not a bench warmer... I am a starter.....but that is his loss.. ON TO THE NEXT. Friendship that is! haha

Remembering What I am Worth.

You just gotta remember what you're worth
and if someone treats you less than that, you do not have to put up with that, and if they do not see the greatness that is in front of them..... its their problem... not yours.


Thanks Adam!

Saving All My Love for You

A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you

You used to tell me we'd run away together
Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient, just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy

I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling when you walk through that door
Cause tonight is the night, for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love for you

No other woman, is gonna love you more
Cause tonight is the night, that I'm feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yeah I'm saving all my lovin
Yes I'm saving all my love for you
For you, for you

-Whitney Houston
_________________________________________________________________________________________

I feel every word in this song... Man this song is amazing.... I don't know who i am saving it for... But.....I'm there.. Waiting.

You're Dialect is KILLING MY FANTASY!

Is it wrong or shallow of me to think someone is soo cute and everything. but i can't stand the way they talk? Is that something i should just get over?

What To Do! Decisions Decisions!

What should I do?! :-/

Fall For Your Type.

This song is really speaking to me right now.....
The atmosphere i am in right now (nightime and rainy) only add to the effect.. gosh!
I can't explain this stuff at all...

Lyrics:

Can I, can I save you from you
cause you know there’s something missing
and that champagne you’ve been sippin’s not supposed to make you different all the time
it’s starting to feel like the wrong thing to do yeah
cause with all that recognition it gets hard for you to listen
to the things that I must say to make you mine
But live girl, have some fun girl, we’ll be fine
trying to convince myself I’ve found one
making a mistake I never learned from
I swear I always fall for your type yeah
for your type
tell me why I always fall for your type
for your type
I just can’t explain this sh-t at all
I just can’t explain this sh-t at all
I just can’t explain this sh-t at all
I just can’t explain this sh-t at all
i believe in people like you

What I Want.. The List......

Darrick...
What do you want...
I mean really..
What do you want?

I want....

I want....

I dont know... :-(

Can you get back to me Please...

Burnt Hurt

I can never be the person who says "If you betray me, we are through"...

I always Forgive...

I'm too Great A person.

I'm Serious.

Sometimes I feel I'm Always Waiting Around to get Burned Again.

He said:

You'll be Fine...

You Just need to find the Guy that could never bear the thought of hurting you like that.

Me:

Thanks Cougar Town For reminding me of that.

Beauty Found

As I was walking from my car to my Class... I happened to see something i do not see everyday.. Heck.. I hardly see it at all... what I saw was one of the most beautiful things i have seen in a long time... One of the bravest things I have seen in a long time... As I walked behind this beauty I started to watch as everyone approaching was either passing and staring or passing and smiling.. some with a smile of approval, and others with a smile of laughter and disapproval. I walked and as i was watching i started to think if i could be as brave as they were and are. I started to think what i would do if my boyfriend went to my school and one day grabbed my hand as we were walking. Would I trust him that everything was going to be alright? Would I be hesitant to have his hand clasped in mine. Fingers interlocked between each other. Would I trust that he was only doing this to let me know that he had my back and would not let anything happen to me? Would I trust that he only wanted to show the world his love for me? or Would I pull away.. letting him and myself know that i was not ready for the looks and the thoughts of people who really do not even matter.... It's all about me and him right......Yea.. But Actions speak louder then words... And that action would be something that I might not be able to handle right now...I am getting scared just thinking about being put in that situation... And as i walked behind them their actions spoke Millions of words.

This was a first for me.. Seeing them shocked the heck out of me..... All these emotions went through my body and all i could do was appreciate their courage and encouragement to be who you are.. Love who you love no matter what people say.. They really touched me.. and gave me a warm feeling i have not had in a long time and they will probably NEVER know how something soo simple that they did encouraged me and made me smile with a hope i have not had in a long time.

I want a boyfriend to challenge me.

Challenge me in ways that are uncomfortable for me....

In order to become a better man.

A better Me...

There is soo much more i could say about this picture and about their actions... Something as simple as holding hands in public can be life changing.. not only for them... but for others who are afraid to do that.. I will get there one day.. I know i will.. but this showed soo much courage!!!!! ... I tried to take it on the low to really capture the rawness of the situation...

This was Beyond Beautiful.....

This was...

was.....

I'm at a loss of words...

I loved it...

Thanks for the Encouragement :-)

Just wanna.

Just wants to be loved. But is realizing love is not in my favor.

Boy vs. Man

Me: its getting to the point to where i am fed up

and will never wan tto deal wth him

because of how he treated me when i was not even doing anything

Mr. Garcia: consider it a favor

you dont want people like that in your life anyways

save yoruself the future drama and just be happy that you wont have to deal with it later

Later... I sure ain't dealing with it later.. he did do me a favor.. I never realized that... He taught me something about people like him and how i can not stand them.. he is not on my level.... and will probably not be until he is 30! and by that time i will be on another higher level.. so him and j are good for each other.. same level.. same everything.. I'm looking for a Man who is a man and acts like a man... Not a Man who is a Boy who acts like a child.

Happy Easter! :-)

Disappearance

I just did something stupid that I will probably regret in the morning. :-/ I told myself do not go on that page.. do not go on that page!!!!! and what did i do.. Go on that Page... stupid stupid Darrick.. You just set yourself back 8 weeks. here we go again.

The things we think we are ready for many times we are not...

Time heals all..

And with time comes the disappearance of anything that could ever be...

Between me and thee.