The Fear. The Hope. The New Life (This Was Suppose To Be a Short One Lined Post.)

Darrick Now feels Stupid for the way he handled things... .. Finally Content.. but now feels Foolish! LOL...HAHA.. I am really laughing over here.. Dang... You know how you do something and then you're like.. Why did i do that.. but with a smile on your face.. thats how I feel.. HAHA.. 

******Learning Experience Alert******

Foolish for letting soo many people in to my world when i was very down. Foolish for telling a lot of people my situation and the hurt i was in... I need, and I will from now on, Keep my mouth shut when it comes to those deep feelings and emotions I have.. Everyone does not need to know them. Only maybe one or two people at the max.. and those are my friends that have been there for me when no one else was... 

I was tired of feeling down, helpless, hopeless and desperate... 

So... I'm not anymore.. LOL..

I got tired of hearing the stories myself, and then having them replay in my head constantly everyday was getting on my nerves!!!!! HAHA

HA!

I'm not going to feel those emotions at all anymore from this situation! :-)

 

As i was listening to music today, Monica's song titled "Whatever" started coming through the speakers, and not hearing that song in a LONG TIME made me just sit back and listen to the Music.... and Really take it in.....  listening to the harmonies and calmness of the song made me feel how i felt when i first heard the song those many years ago.. 

GOOD AND GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.. 

The lyrics and the melodies that flowed through my body today gave me a sensation I had not felt in a long time... 

Contentment and Satisfaction within MYSELF!

Brought me back to the year 2003... 

Yea the song is talking about Love.. but for some reason i do not hear that when i listen to the song.. I hear something different.. Something I can not explain.. but it helped me jump back and realize who i was! the Real Darrick.. Not this Emotional, Always weeping, always feeling down for myself Darrick... But the Darrick who Loves because he Loves to Love... is Happy and Joyful! Not dependent on someone or people to make me happy! Imma make myself happy...Be focused on what I need to do! Where I want to go... and What I wanna do! 

You know how they say your bed should be the most comfortable place and peaceful place in your home... Well.. over the passed two months mine had become something i feared. Because I would fear laying in my bed trying to have nothing occupy my mind, but when i attempted this, my worst horror story would begin... Begin even before i closed my eyes, started to happen right when i was laying there trying soo hard not to think about all my insecurities and negativity i had towards myself. I could not run from it... I could not hide.. it would always find me and haunt me in-between those sheets all the while making me cry like a little 2nd grade school boy. And all i could do was lay there.... Trying to Force myself to sleep so that maybe i would not have to think about these issues and maybe, just maybe have some peace.... I was becoming more depressed and worried...Daily....... My bed was a place i feared because it never brought me any sound mind.. but just added on Stress.. Reminding me that I was One day closer to what I felt was my own Personal "Dooms Day". Every-time i would lay there i was forced to deal with the problems i had with myself and others, because I had NOTHING else to think about. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a Cold Sweat.. sweat piled up like i had just ran a marathon.. my bed soaking wet from the worry and the disappointment and the questions of "WHY?!" that i had in my sleep. Not being able to go back to sleep. I feared being awake, but also feared being asleep. 

I feared the Night... The night became my never-ending, always haunting, and always coming back stronger Nemesis... I could not sleep. constantly worried. Constantly questioning.. Constantly coming more and more out of myself and into someone i did not know.. All for what?

For Love I did not have?

For School problems that never seemed to end?

For Family Issues that did not seem to be going away?

For Self Image and Self-Esteem Problems I had?

Yes.

All for those....

Pathetic... I know....

But I refuse to go down into the night, 

I refuse to let the night Win.

I was Becoming someone i did not Like.. Someone I did not Know! I lost MYSELF trying to help other people FIND THEMSELVES... How do you lose yourself helping someone else? That's a question i will always ponder.. 

Depressed, Lonely, Sad, and Down, 

Those feelings were replaced with a thought of "WOW.. why did I feel like that?! Come on Darrick.. I'm Better then that! I should never feel bad about MYSELF cuz i do not have something.....Or because i feel something is going wrong or not the way I planned"

God Gave me this deck of cards to play with... and I know He knows Why he gave them to me.. and all i can do it ENJOY the ride.. Not stress out out about it.. Make the best of Any situation....

I guess it took watching HERCULES (the Disney Animated Movie)  to make me realize that! Cuz he was given a Horrible deck of cards.. with Things He could not control, and things he did not wish upon himself nor planned, but he made the best of the deck and was ultimately happy in the end with all of his decisions and choices... HAHA... Ironic that It took a Disney movie About GODS, and multiple ones, to make me realize about God and how i have to make the best of my situations... HAHAHAHA.. (the song "I can go the Distance" in Hercules really helped me out also...) 

So I refuse to go down into the night, 

I refuse to let the night Win.

This time the feelings are going to stay positive..and i mean it!!!..

No more tears.. No more negative.. No more hurting myself in order to save someone else.. I had to save myself.. 

and i did. 

I had to realize I'm no ones Savior.

So why was I unconsciously trying to be. 

What i experienced is Life molding me into a stronger, smarter, and more self knowledgeable person. and i appreciate that soo much... 

But.. I like to help and encourage people...It's Just in my nature...  and i will continue to help and be there for people when they need it.. but not at the expense of Me. Because i refuse to lose myself AGAIN and go down that path of Self Hate.. I've travelled down it once, and i intend NEVER to go or look back. 

Thanks for the lesson... I'm glad you came into my life to teach me this well needed lesson.. This is the most i have learned about myself in ALL MY YEARS OF COLLEGE! all of it in a very short amount of time... But no more tears... 

Now the friendship that taught me this I hope and pray does not end.. cuz i do not want it to..I value it highly..... I enjoy it.. and i am there for them.. and i appreciate them being there for me.

And I'm thankful for everything that happened. :-) Thanks..

Now Onto my new Stronger Life :-D

I'm excited to see what new surprises and new adventures it brings...

Cuz this truly, TRULY, was an adventure I will never forget. :-)