Fully Thankfull

So its Thanksgiving.... I do have a lot to be thankful for... I really do... And i am thankful....Attitude is a choice, And i choose to be happy and thankful. I am constantly fighting this war between myself. Awakened by events in and of my life now coming to the surface

But i am thankful for the battle within me.

Making me see who I am becoming...It's a Unique experience...Some good some bad..but overall an experience to be had. 

I'm thankful for the family that I have.. even though i don't feel at home when i am around them. It's weird.. I love them and they love me.. I am just always uneasy when i am around them... But i do not avoid them... just do not feel at home when i am around them as a collective unit.

 

I am thankful for my friends...Even though the majority of them have done some shady things to me and have not been there for me when i needed them.. I am thankful for what them NOT being there has taught me about myself. People do not understand how a simple text can make my day.. but...I think they think that is asking for too much.. so Imma move on... I am also thankful for the good friends I have. Thanks. there is like 2 of them.. and i am thankful for that... 

This next one is tough...

But i am thankful for the Potentials that never happened and the love I never had...I am thankful for this because maybe if i was in a relationship earlier in my days i would not know how to handle it.. So i am thankful for being alone when I am. 

It's hard though.. because my self confidence in that area goes down every year i am alone.. Pathetic i know.. But Can you imagine not getting hit on... not ever being in a relationship, not ever hearing people say they love you and really meaning it. Not ever being able to call anyone a boyfriend. Never Having a Love relationship at all. Having Nothing Always.....It starts to mess with your self esteem and confidence. Makes you feel unwanted by society. Unwanted by anyone... Usually people, especially by my age, have been in plenty of relationships... Building their confidence up as the days go by.. But mine is chipped away by everyday that passes..   

That's a tough pill.. but i have to be thankful!

 

I am thankful for my wait... cuz i feel like i am waiting for something.. I just do not know what.. Hopefully when i receive it, it will be grand. and i will love it.. Or my wait would have seemed for not. Cuz i have waited for soo long... been patient..  patient for whatever it is I am waiting for. Let's Hope t is Good!
 

I am thankful for my dancing career.. I want it to pop off.. but i know i have a lot of hard work to do.... I love dancing... and I need to get better, and I will.  I am Thankful for being in the position i am at right now... 
 

I am Thankful for school.. Even though i really want to get out.. I am thankful for the knowledge i am receiving... 

 

I am thankful for being alive....

 

I am Thankful to God for putting me through all of these situations to learn more about myself.. Everything is a learning experience and with that in mind you can learn something from EVERYTHING that you do and experience.. Every Emotion, Every Heartache, Every Laugh, Every Tear, Everything.. You learn and Grow.. Whether you Grow Warm, Or Cold, you grow nonetheless. 
 

I have found that No Holiday really stands out to me now.. It has been like that now for the passed two to three years.. I don't know why... But Neither Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, or my Birthday really get me excited anymore... They have all lost their meaning to me... Now I know that Christmas is about the Birth of Jesus... But other then that I am not excited...
 

I am now on the Journey to find out why this is.. and why i have become so cold when it comes to Holidays... I am not like Ebenezer Scrooge (and i hope to never be like that), but i just do not see a joy in holidays anymore... My heart is not in it...  Maybe in the coming years it will change. But as of right now... there is nothing to get excited about... Thanksgiving is just a day that everyone gets together and eats. I don't eat that much.. for some reason i can't. I really feel like i have a bubble in my stomach that wont let me eat a lot.. I might be starving.. but then when i get food i eat a little bit of it and then i am "full" but i can still feel an emptiness in my stomach.. the feeling is weird.. but I can see myself getting skinnier and my Family is not helping me by telling me i am anorexic. and pounding those thoughts in my head....Anyway.. that was a tangent.... Christmas is just a day where people get together to eat and exchange gifts. New Years is a time where we start anew... But every year i usually get the same results.. which is by the end of the year i am where i was 365 days before: alone, feeling down, and a little less joyous year after year. Maybe it's the place i live at.. My Birthday is just another day... I have not felt special on that day for the last 5 years. No one does anything.. No surprise parties.. No anything.. I wake up and its just another day.

 

 Maybe i need to move to another place, another state. ... Maybe then i will start living and becoming a happier person. Maybe Seeing the beauty in life and experiencing real love. Love from myself. Love from someone else.

 

I think i put too much on this whole love thing.. I am sure its not everything i think it is... But i don't know... I wouldn't know..

Anyway... 

 

So overall I have a lot to be thankful for.. A lot to think about, and a lot to evaluate... And i am thankful for these thoughts and everything that comes with them. The laughs, the cries, the hurt, and the happiness! 

So today i wish you all a HAPPY THANKSGIVING. Eat Drink and be Merry!