Not This Again!

Thought it would be easier then this...

I want you.. but can't have you..

and it hurts....

I thought i was over it..

but when i laid in my bed.. I ended up staring at the wall for three hours thinking

Thinking what you had done to put me in this place

thinking Why?

but then i realized..

You showed me a kind of "like" no one has ever shown me..

You made me feel special... 

even if it just was temporary

You made me feel wanted..

You made me feel loved..

But in your case it was a form of  "like".

I mistook it for love.. that's my fault... 

I learned not to view like as love as a result of this... 

but....

They say you cant miss it till it's gone..

And i didn't miss it..

until you came along.. 

Now its all I can think about... 

I really thought it was over...

I was ready to Celebrate me not having feelings for you anymore

But i guess its not

Its not as strong as it used to be..

but something is still there..

Right...?

Between us something is still there?

Right?

I want to hold on to ny possibility of us getting together...

I'm fighting with myself to hold on.. or let go...

But why should I hold on..

you made your choice very obvious when you chose to make it work with him..

Leaving me high and dry and wanting more

You had your cake, and you ate it too..

Not gonna fault you for that...

And I still got mad love for you...(as a homie, us as homies is great!! i love it a lot.. i'm just trying to see us as only homies.. and it is getting there. but its a tough and hard process)

It was a learning experience..

I learned soo much from this about myself..

I saw how i would be in a relationship, even if it was not a real relationship; it was the closets i had been to getting in one, and i do not know if i liked everything i saw in myself..

So i need to change those things...

And i will....

and maybe when i change those things i will finally... 

Maybe finally...

Find someone for me....

I'm tired of being alone...

I'm tired of seeing everyone feel loved...

and me get nothing.

except, hurt, pain, lies, falsehood, experimented with, screamed at, cussed at, abused and used....

i don't deserve it.

I just want to have that feeling of waking up and knowing someone is on the path of loving me and vice versa. 

Someone Special.

Someone real.

I thought i could of had this one...

But it was all a lie.

We both knew it was not going to work.

I'm just the only one who is left out in the cold

So for a time they had a double shot of love...

and i had nothing...

But my love was genuine...

I don't know about theirs.. 

I would hope it was.. but even if it was..

I still cant have them.....

And it hurts to know they have moved on and Back to the love they had before...

While i slowly sink back into the darkness called self hate.

i just wanna be loved.

But i'm starting to think even that's too much to ask.