I Dont Know

I see it...
When i'm singing or dancing in front of the Mirror...

I see it...

I see the confident, swagged out, fearless man staring back at me..

I see him.

I see the independent loving player on the streets, and freak in the sheets.

I see him.

I see the money making, no worries, loved by many, knows too many, handsome individual staring back at me.

I see him.

I see the warm and tender, while brave and tough Man Looking dead into my eyes while i'm grooving to the sounds of the tunes.

I see him..

He's tucked away.. But I see him.

Tucked away because of the hurt, and dissapointment I have placed on myself.

Tucked away, hiding, because of the pain I walked myself into.

Tucked away because of the time I let slip through my hands.

Tucked away because of my age.

Tucked away because of How I look.

Tucked away because of situations I know I should not have been in.

Tucked away because of fear.

Nestled, tightly away. suffocating, dying...

I see that man

Watching, waiting, anticipating, for the time when he will come out.
and I, the shy, fearfull, scared, lonely, coward will be tucked away forever.

Instead, I prepare more blankets to cover him with.

Fear, Scared of what people will think.

Scared of the New, Scared of the Unknown, Belittled into how I think Now. "I can't do better, this is it Darrick.. this is As Good as it's going to Get. Keep trying but you will not get anywhere.."

Thoughts like those are the blankets I am suffocating him with.

The thought of someone complimenting me along with the thought of no one complimenting me when I try my best, makes fear chills go down my spine. I can Never win. So I tuck him away. Under more and more blankets, making sure he is nice and comfy so he does not ever want to come out.

But....

I see him...

He's there inside. Staring back at me.

People always ask me Why I can't see what they see in me...

So maybe they can see him also...Maybe they do not know I see him. I see in Me what they see.

But I try soo hard to hide him

For what?

My Answer always to them is...."I Don't Know."