I Dont Know

I see it...
When i'm singing or dancing in front of the Mirror...

I see it...

I see the confident, swagged out, fearless man staring back at me..

I see him.

I see the independent loving player on the streets, and freak in the sheets.

I see him.

I see the money making, no worries, loved by many, knows too many, handsome individual staring back at me.

I see him.

I see the warm and tender, while brave and tough Man Looking dead into my eyes while i'm grooving to the sounds of the tunes.

I see him..

He's tucked away.. But I see him.

Tucked away because of the hurt, and dissapointment I have placed on myself.

Tucked away, hiding, because of the pain I walked myself into.

Tucked away because of the time I let slip through my hands.

Tucked away because of my age.

Tucked away because of How I look.

Tucked away because of situations I know I should not have been in.

Tucked away because of fear.

Nestled, tightly away. suffocating, dying...

I see that man

Watching, waiting, anticipating, for the time when he will come out.
and I, the shy, fearfull, scared, lonely, coward will be tucked away forever.

Instead, I prepare more blankets to cover him with.

Fear, Scared of what people will think.

Scared of the New, Scared of the Unknown, Belittled into how I think Now. "I can't do better, this is it Darrick.. this is As Good as it's going to Get. Keep trying but you will not get anywhere.."

Thoughts like those are the blankets I am suffocating him with.

The thought of someone complimenting me along with the thought of no one complimenting me when I try my best, makes fear chills go down my spine. I can Never win. So I tuck him away. Under more and more blankets, making sure he is nice and comfy so he does not ever want to come out.

But....

I see him...

He's there inside. Staring back at me.

People always ask me Why I can't see what they see in me...

So maybe they can see him also...Maybe they do not know I see him. I see in Me what they see.

But I try soo hard to hide him

For what?

My Answer always to them is...."I Don't Know."

I Can't...I Just Can't.

As I lay on my bed and stare into the ceiling i have nothing but time to think about whats been on my mind for the past 3 weeks... Sex and Relationships Now I know everyone and they momma thinks about sex all the time.. But i have not been in this mood in a very long time... The reason being... I want it soo bad.. but at the same time i know i will not enjoy it...I have thought a lot about why that is... Why is it that i can not just enjoy the act of sex.... I have never had an enjoyable sex experience.. Ever. And it seems like the more i try... The worse it gets... Now people tell me i am good at it.. But i just do not enjoy it.. I don't know if it is a mental block or what.. I am looking for something.. But i am not sure what it is... I don't know if i am looking for a REAL relationship.. But i know i am TERRIFIED of relationships... I have never been in one and i do not know what to expect.. I'm scared of me.... I'm scared of how i will be in a relationship.. I'm scared of me being 30 and have never been in a relationship before.. Why do I have to wait soo long in order to feel the slightest sense of someone loving me back... I'm scared of that love because i wont know what to do with it I find myself wanting to throw up sometimes when i think of someone loving me... Is that Natural? or have I trained and embedded in my mind that No one will ever love me that the simple thought of someone actually loving me makes me mentally and physically sick? When i think of love.. I can't eat.. I can't sleep... The only thing i do is clam up... and shut down... I cant even remotely imagine someone being my boyfriend. I try to picture him in my room.... Sitting on my bed... Maybe going to the movies... Holding hands... and the thought quickly fades away and pisses me off... I think that is another reason I cant see myself with a boyfriend.. Because my emotions when it comes to love is ALL OVER THE PLACE... Just as Jumbled as this blog post is, my emotions and thoughts on love are the same way... I believe BECAUSE of this confusion and hurt and disappointment that I have for love makes me not enjoy ANY aspect of Sex. I can't shake the thought of feeling used every time i have sex with someone.. Used for them to get a Quick nut off and then that's it... Ugh... Even porn is not doing it for me anymore... I'm stuck.. and i don't know how to set my mind free. I can't... I just can't... keep living like this....