I Dont Know

I see it...
When i'm singing or dancing in front of the Mirror...

I see it...

I see the confident, swagged out, fearless man staring back at me..

I see him.

I see the independent loving player on the streets, and freak in the sheets.

I see him.

I see the money making, no worries, loved by many, knows too many, handsome individual staring back at me.

I see him.

I see the warm and tender, while brave and tough Man Looking dead into my eyes while i'm grooving to the sounds of the tunes.

I see him..

He's tucked away.. But I see him.

Tucked away because of the hurt, and dissapointment I have placed on myself.

Tucked away, hiding, because of the pain I walked myself into.

Tucked away because of the time I let slip through my hands.

Tucked away because of my age.

Tucked away because of How I look.

Tucked away because of situations I know I should not have been in.

Tucked away because of fear.

Nestled, tightly away. suffocating, dying...

I see that man

Watching, waiting, anticipating, for the time when he will come out.
and I, the shy, fearfull, scared, lonely, coward will be tucked away forever.

Instead, I prepare more blankets to cover him with.

Fear, Scared of what people will think.

Scared of the New, Scared of the Unknown, Belittled into how I think Now. "I can't do better, this is it Darrick.. this is As Good as it's going to Get. Keep trying but you will not get anywhere.."

Thoughts like those are the blankets I am suffocating him with.

The thought of someone complimenting me along with the thought of no one complimenting me when I try my best, makes fear chills go down my spine. I can Never win. So I tuck him away. Under more and more blankets, making sure he is nice and comfy so he does not ever want to come out.

But....

I see him...

He's there inside. Staring back at me.

People always ask me Why I can't see what they see in me...

So maybe they can see him also...Maybe they do not know I see him. I see in Me what they see.

But I try soo hard to hide him

For what?

My Answer always to them is...."I Don't Know."

Marching into My Destiny.

So.. Its been a long time since i have been on here.. I tell you.. I always say I am going to write in this more... but life always gets busy... or I just get Lazy! HAHA always one of those two..
But let me catch yall up on what has been going on with me.... Just working and Going to the Gym.

I am trying to figure out how I am going to et to my goals in life.. But i guess that i everyones journey right..
But the thing about me is I still don't know what those goals i want to accomplish are.. That's the sad part.. I am spending soo much time trying to figure that out that I am wasting my life away...

Another thing that had me a down was Whitney Houston's Passing.. I was a HUGE FAN.... HUGE!!!!!! When i heard of the news on Feb 11th, 2012 I literally went home and just sat in my living room.. I was soo Sad!!!! Soo Mad.. Just sooo many emotions!!!!
Still Every time I listen to her music i get really Emotional.

So Anyway.. I have been trying this dating thing.. It's not really working out.. I have been talking to two guys.. One is Named Demetrius, and the others name is Andrew..
Demetrius is Black..26... he is good looking... He is caring and nice and everything.. But he is not for me.. I am not connecting with him.. . I see him more of a friend... he is not out to his family, and i understand that.. but he is mentally trapped.. Not being himself.. i just want to be friends with him.

Andrew is Latino.. 35.. Has his own business and everything.. But he has ISSUES.. REAL BIG ISSUES! He is trying to control EVERYTHING.. he gets mad if things are not his way and he is VERY opinionated and its hard to have a regular convo with him.. He just sits on the phone.. not talking or anything and then gets mad if i keep saying "Hello.. are you there?"! I feel like i am talking to a wall! I try and try and try.. but its not going anywhere.. I keep getting my hopes up with him and I keep getting let down! I'm not even going into all the other stuff he tries to mentally put me through.. I am not going to deal with it. So I am just going to leave it alone.

I realized the Name ANDREW is not a good fit with me! HAHAHAHA! I kid you not.. I was at the barber shop a few weeks ago and this cutie was sitting in one of the barbers chairs across from me, and everything was good and all, until i found out cuties name was Andrew, and i immediately said "Nope.. not interested anymore" and that sucks.. But Andrew's in my life have never done me right.. So i just learn from it and keep on living. Sucks that a name can do that to you.. but hey.. its happens! HAHAHA

This Job now is becoming something i am not sure i want to do for a long time now. The people there are cool.. But they are pulling me in soo many directions that they are wearing me thin and i am EXHAUSTED and tense after every shift! The workers comp business is not for me!!! It really isn't.. But i am glad i do have a job.. But i am about to start looking for another one.. I KNOW this is not my final working place.. I refuse to let it be!

I need to find my destiny.. I really do.. I think right now i just want to go to the woods or mountains or something like that and just watch the fire flies, and run and try to catch one and just see the beauty in nature... That's what I need. That sounds like soo much fun and i know it would be soo refreshing...

It's March.. I think its time for me to MARCH into my DESTINY.