There are soo many emotions going on with me today that I do not even know where to begin... I guess I'll start with Jesus letting me know today that he sleeps with other people.. Now I technically can not be mad at him.... as I have slept with people since I've known him also.. but i think what gets me is that I was dumb enough to even think he had not been.. I mean this guy has more secrets then the FBI.. so I should have known.. Now don't get me wring I am NOT mad at him... Just dissapointed that I let myself feel certain things for him that I should have known were not felt back...
I just feel like I am never going to be loved.. No matter what I do.. how i do it.. how I act.. how nice or supportive I am.. I am never going to experience someone loving me as much as I love them..
I know i have to learn to love myself first.. I get that.. And I am trying.. I really am... it's just hard when all these thoughts and emotions get in the way...
I really Appreciate his honesty though.. this is the first time I felt he has opened up to me and been 100% truthful with me.
I never feel good enough for anyone... So.. they treat me like i am not good enough.. I need more self esteem... respect. but instead I beat myself up for always being chosen last or not even chosen at all...
It's not a good fulfilling feeling.
I don't know what to do with myself...
I don't want to be desperate.. I don't want to seem needy.. and I believe that is how I come off to people. which makes them not want to even bother with me.
All I am doing is trying to be nice to them.. many times I do not want the dick, but it always comes off as me wanting it.
How can I change this? How can I gain true self esteem?
I don't know.
Things are changing. My 30's better be better then this.. This s a Horrible emotional state to be in. been here for months and it doesn't seem to be getting better.
I feel lost.
Pray for me y'all...
Peace
You are always in my prayers and it is unfortunate about this guy because you are great but as far as the self esteem and self worth go you have got to try to figure how and why you are unhappy and curb your desire to fill that void from the outside and focus inside. I turned my self assumed flaws into positives with long talks in the mirrors and surrounding myself with positive peers that don't wanna bring me down. Boo don't get discouraged.
ReplyDelete