I Dont Know

I see it...
When i'm singing or dancing in front of the Mirror...

I see it...

I see the confident, swagged out, fearless man staring back at me..

I see him.

I see the independent loving player on the streets, and freak in the sheets.

I see him.

I see the money making, no worries, loved by many, knows too many, handsome individual staring back at me.

I see him.

I see the warm and tender, while brave and tough Man Looking dead into my eyes while i'm grooving to the sounds of the tunes.

I see him..

He's tucked away.. But I see him.

Tucked away because of the hurt, and dissapointment I have placed on myself.

Tucked away, hiding, because of the pain I walked myself into.

Tucked away because of the time I let slip through my hands.

Tucked away because of my age.

Tucked away because of How I look.

Tucked away because of situations I know I should not have been in.

Tucked away because of fear.

Nestled, tightly away. suffocating, dying...

I see that man

Watching, waiting, anticipating, for the time when he will come out.
and I, the shy, fearfull, scared, lonely, coward will be tucked away forever.

Instead, I prepare more blankets to cover him with.

Fear, Scared of what people will think.

Scared of the New, Scared of the Unknown, Belittled into how I think Now. "I can't do better, this is it Darrick.. this is As Good as it's going to Get. Keep trying but you will not get anywhere.."

Thoughts like those are the blankets I am suffocating him with.

The thought of someone complimenting me along with the thought of no one complimenting me when I try my best, makes fear chills go down my spine. I can Never win. So I tuck him away. Under more and more blankets, making sure he is nice and comfy so he does not ever want to come out.

But....

I see him...

He's there inside. Staring back at me.

People always ask me Why I can't see what they see in me...

So maybe they can see him also...Maybe they do not know I see him. I see in Me what they see.

But I try soo hard to hide him

For what?

My Answer always to them is...."I Don't Know."

February 2013 Review

Ok. So i know this is coming 5 DAYS LATE but hey.. Better late then never right?! HAHA

So let's talk abotu my February..
Hmm... I had sex with a friend.. probably for the last time... just because it was soo dry and boring.. i felt like i was raping him.. That is not a good feeling to think you have to force someone to kiss and caress and hold and love you.. Not a good look on my part either.. because to me it seems i would rather have that then have nothing at all.. so.. I need to stop that!

The biggest thing that happened to me was i GOT AN APARTMENT!!!!!! I have not moved in as of THIS post.. But i Move in on March 16th... AHHH.. 11 DAYS AWAY!!! I instantly Knew when i walked up to the place that it was going to be where i lived.. the people.. the environment.. the Apartment.. and the amenities was what sold me! The Manager was even really nice so that is ALWAYS a plus! I was really tired of looking so i was relieved and glad when i got approved and i signed all them papers to get the apartment.. I am soo nervous though.. EVERYTHING is on me.. The gas, Electricity, the food, the cleaning.. EVERYTHING! I wont just wake up and Food is on the table waiting for me anymore.. :-( I gotta cook and do everything... It's time for me to put on my Big Boy pants though.. so I gotta step up!.. for my own good.... lol

I started looking for another job.. I need a new one.. a better one.. One that i am not sitting all day in front of a computer! One that I am not Bored out of my mind WAITING for someone to text or call me so that I can have some relief from the monotony that this job is... I applied at Universal and i also have a Good friend (thanks Mrs. Freda) Looking out for me at the Disney Corp. I also want to apply at Viacom... Entertainment is my calling.. I know it is!! I FEEL it! So I know one of those companies will be good...

Umm.. Valentines day was good.. Just chilled, went to work.. Was not depressed or anything. I mean, sure it would have been really cool to spend it with someone, but since i did not have that, I tried to make the most of it. :-) My mom made dinner for me and Terry, and Marsha got me some candy and Chocolate covered Strawberries and a card! It was nice.. So overall My valentine's day was chill and good....

Started talking to Jose again. Jose... man he just does something to me! I don't understand what it is... When I visit we talk for a while and just rally get to know each other and then comes the sex.. (not needed.. well sometimes... but greatly appreciated) I mean the Dick is AMAZING and he just teaches me soo much stuff sexually. The only thing with him is that he always has to be drunk... Literally.. we can not hang unless he is drinking.. He made that clear the times i wanted to visit and he told me "No" because he did not have any booze.. Now that sometimes makes me think that he can not deal with me unless he is drunk.. Maybe I am ugly to him.. I don't know.. I just hate that it is like that. I think... No.. I know.. He has some deep rooted issues he has to deal with.. and i believe that is where the drinking comes in. and I would like to be there for him.. He just has to let me in a little more. Time, I guess will tell.

This month did pack a lot of good things. I appreciated this month OF BLACK HISTORY AND LOVE... Now Let's see what March has for me.. I know it will be an Interesting Month! :-)

Random Frivolous Writing!

Ok. I am going to the store and then I am going to get some food and paper. And Then I am going to open up my Apartment and see who is in it. I do not know why I am writing it.. I guess I am trying to make it look like I am busy at work because my main BOSS is right behind me and I do not have anything to do. Funny I know. HAHA.. a mess for stalling and writing whatever comes into my mind, True or not true.

Oh Just to let you know.. the whole beginning of this blog is a lie.. I was just writing ANYTHING! hahaha

Ok. I guess I will stop so that it does not look like i am writing anything LONGER then what i usually write.. Y'all Take care!

Valentine's Day 2013

With this Year Valentine's Day Coming to A Close (or a start depending on how and What you are doing! ;-) ) I have to say this day was pretty easy.. I did not get sad or anything.. I actually enjoyed myself.. I did not do anythign special.. but i just enjoyed the company of me.. It's ok to be single on Valentines day.. Sure i would have loved to have a valentine.. but since I did not.. I tried to make the most of it.. Working and all.. haahah. If you have a Valentine, Enjoy.. and if you do not.. Still Enjoy! :-)

What Opportunities Have I Missed?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just be a bold individual, giving care to the wind, and just walking and telling people I Like them, or I can't stand them, or ANYTHING in general. I have a Major Filter and sometimes it leads me to miss out on things because I do not speak up or I become too scared to say something. I am always thinking about the consequences, and they usually override the benefits. (or so i think)

Take for example... I really think this guy is cute at my barber shop. Now I am not sure he is gay... But some people I know tell me that it really seems as if he is. Now he cuts my hair sometimes and I get all nervous and everything. I dont know what to say to him that is interesting enough to get him to start talking and telling me more about himself, So I can start figuring him out and seeing if we are even compatible to be friends. The barbershop atmosphere is not the place to be asking someone if they like Coochie or if they like Dick! so I have to be more subtle in my apprroach to that question...But how.. I rack my brain all the time with this question and nothing I come up with works.
I think... Just start a convo with him, but then I get nervous because I would feel everyone at the shop would be listening to our convo..
I think.. Maybe text him and go about talking to him that way.. But I think that is weird to try to build a friendship through text but when you actually see the person you dont actually talk to them. (Because of the fear of others hearing the convo)
**SIDENOTE** Why Was I all Geeked up and Excited when I got his NUMBER?! for real Darrick.. I was soo excited, and I asked him for it because I said I would call to see if he was busy the next time I needed a haircut.. Umm DUH I think ANY Barber would give you their number if it meant more business for them! Gosh Darrick.. I guess the simple things make me happy! But usually they are nothing to get excited over..
It's not like I asked him if he liked me and he said "Yes"! But then again.. If he is gay he might not even like me.. He might not like Tall, Black Guys. Guys with Glasses who are skinny with a weird shaped head.

But he Might... only He knows...

Even if he is straight to be friends with him would be cool also. He seems like a cool guy, but that's only from me observing him when I am at the barber. It's also good to have a barber friend if I am ever in a pickle and need my hair cut ASAP on like a Sunday or Monday. (since they are closed that day) Maybe he could make a house call and save a bro from the embarrassment of looking Unprofessional! At least I will have a nice Haircut! HAHAH.. Who knows!

But Either Way.. I am too scared to even say hello to spark up a friendship which could lead to maybe something more.. romantic or even good friends.

So... Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a Bold Individual, Not Afraid of Consequences, Throwing Caution to the Wind... Saying Hello.. to the Many Opportunities of Life.

The Moment I am Waiting For.

I would LOVE to start a relationship with someone with a couple of dates... simple... nothing major.. but each of us eventually knowing we are really into each other... But too afraid to tell the other...so we wait.. Patiently.. wishing, hoping that the other might make the first move... Slowly or Quickly building up anticipation... waiting for that moment... the moment where our minds are racing, hands sweaty, thoughts are everywhere...the moment where firworks will explode in our bodies, the world will stop... and it will just be me and him.. Nothing else will matter, for that brief moment in time... Everything will be at ease.. and we will both know...that this.... THIS is THE one.... The One That we have been waiting for... I'm waiting.....for that Moment... That quick moment in time....the moment that will start it all..the moment of the soft, ever so light, gentle.....first kiss.

Dry and Bored!

I have noticed that the last two guys I have been with.. either went all the way or just fooled around with... Have been soo dry and just plain out boring... I don't know what I am looking for.. But it SURELY is not that! I want someone to want to kiss me, and hold me... But also show me some new things.. I hate being bored.. I'm bored at work.. I'm bored at home... so the last thing i want is a BORING SEX LIFE.. and i know it is not me because I try to bring new elements and things into the mix, but it just gets shut DOWN.. I NEED SOMEONE WITH ADVENTURE AND EXCITEMENT.