Strength.

My feelings are a funny thing.. 

Haha!

Happy and Extra Excited.. But Randomly down at the same time....

Imma try to let the Happiness and Excitement overrule.

But.. Its hard.. 

I thought i was over it.. 

But i guess i am not as i thought i was.. 

It's WAY better.. But

It's a learning experience

How could someone Come into my life and Shake the Very Foundation I was standing on...

I don't know how they did it.. 

Why them...

What did they do that got them that close to my heart...

I don't know.. 

There is not a need for day 3,

But I was just thinking and processing everything that happened so that it wont happen again.

I do see them coping with the loss of me...

So, i guess that makes me feel a little better knowing that they miss a bro.....

But

I am rebuilding myself....

I noticed i can not put a time limit on it... but it's almost all gone... 

Just the last few drops of anything.. i think i am trying to hold on to the drops, but i know i have to let it go.

Like Whitney Houston Said "I didn't know my own Strength"

I was not build to Break.. I maybe got Cracked cuz i did not see the bat coming...

But i am not broken...

I might have crashed down and tumbled, but I can't allow myself to crumble, I have to pick Myself up and hold My head up high, cuz I wasn't built to break or keep living this Lie.

And i realized that changes require your emotions, actions and feeling to be different. 

So they require you to change basically your appetite in Life... What makes you happy. or sad. or depressed or excited. 

I learnt i can still be me, but with minor changes.. changes to make me better..

HAH..

"WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD" 

Sometimes i like the ride, Sometimes i wanna Raise my hand and ask for it to stop, and sometimes i want to get off...

But the more I ride..

The more i become a better Darrick..

So either you can ride with me.. Or not.....

No matter what you decide.. I'm still gonna be that better Darrick...

Because i might have crumbled...

But I wasn't made to break

So I'm not Broken

Because I'm realizing my own Strength.

GONE?! ALREADY? WOW!!!

Its been exactly a Month... 

And....

I Am over it... 

Meaning the situation I was talking about before...

Who would have known that in JUST ONE months time i would Be UP, AND DOWN, AND LEFT AND RIGHT, WITH LOOPS AND SPINS on the roller coaster of Life... Finally pulled the emergency break and had to slow down before i threw up!!! HAHAHA... 

I had a good night sleep yesterday... and i feel... no I KNOW I am over it.. But... they are not going to believe me anyway... And plus.. I do not know if their feelings are gone for me.. so... In order to just be real true friends, Time needs to pass...How much time?... I don't know.... I just know the friendship will continue when we both feel it is ready... But I'm over it. 

But I still want Love.. but i figure it will come my way when it is ready for me... 

Not going to rush anything or just nonchalantly go with the flow because once again... I have seen that rushing things and sometimes going with the flow gets you nowhere but in someone's gutter like used trash...  

That's usually is the case with me.. Getting nowhere that is..(Not the trash thing!!) 

HAHA... 

Anyway...

I thought it was going to be harder then this.

But it's funny because when i was over it i had a thought of.. "REALLY ALL IN DAY 1?! No DAY 2 needed for my recovery?! WOW" Like.. earlier today i DID think about them and was like.. hmm.. "I wonder what they are doing?" But i did not have a desire to be with them romantically anymore.. I think it's because they did not want to be with me because of me making their life harder and more confused because they had a significant other and did want to try to work things out, and they made that very clear. So i backed off and lost all romantic feelings for them quickly.. I also think it was quick because i have been in this situation before.. and i refuse to let another two years go by where i still want them... so two years became 1 day in this situation.. and i am proud of myself.. But...It's kind of scary how quick i can turn those feelings on or off... That is what scares me now.. NOT PARANORMAL ACTIVITY but TURNING FEELINGS ON AND OFF that quickly.

But.....

Time will have to pass... Because i do not want their feelings to come back for me... Mine are 95% gone.. give me another day and they will be 100% gone.. But who knows about them.. but when we are friends again we need to start off right.. and not Wrong. 

Agreed? 

agreed.

Somebody

Gotta Keep telling myself "Somebody wants me out there".

I Don't Wanna

I dont wanna let go.

i feel like a screaming child..

I don't want to let go...

i feel like its over.. 

I know its not

But it feels like a big part of my heart was ripped out.

You Love him.. You Like me..

I loved you.. You liked me...I understand

I could never compete..

Even if everything went my way eventually

I could never compete...

I understand You don't want to hurt me...

Its just...

it's just....

I gotta find someone else

get my mind off of you..

Im glad you're working it out..

I really am

You may not believe me.. But i am...

He just needs to appreciate you more...

He needs to realize what he has... 

He needs to be there for you

he just needs to understand... 

you....

and that is what makes me sad...

I realize you... I get you.....and all you do..

I understand you...

and how you put others before you...

I understand it more then you think..

But i can't have you

I need to get through this and make my feelings calm down..

They need to die...it's hard... but i'm smothering them...

I'm sorry for being rude... 

I really am.. I did not want you to think i was trying to be rude.. and I am not rude to my friends.. i just felt you were rude to me.. and i was trying to adjust to your rudeness towards me...

Miscommunication all throughout the friendship... 

Feelings.. emotions.. thoughts..

I was jealous.. still am.. cuz i feel like you should be with me.. but you're not..

I was mad at him for not seeing all you are... 

(sigh) it's ok. :-( 

i'll get better..

Just know.. 

I love you man.. always will

and i will be there for you when you need me..

But as we both decided we need to take a complete break from each other....

Get ourselves together.. 

So that when we are friends again we are stronger and won't get into this situation again as long as you are with him...

dang.. 

i really see y'all being together forever...

(sigh)

I gotta accept that.....

i gotta find someone for me...

Someone to have the same love that you have for him...

Someone to fill the void and not make me feel alone in the world... 

Someone.. 

But i have come to terms that it is not going to be you...

So.. I say this with a deeply heavy Heart, and tears coming into my eyes, and my feelings deeply hurt by having to say this but "Have an awesome life and time with him, y'all deserve and need each other, have lots of kids, and lots of good times, grow old together, be together, cuddle, kiss, just enjoy each other"

It's not going to be me... i have accept that.. 

Isn't life funny..

the guy i dream about, when i see him, i can't and won't have him" 

HA :-(

This was the closets i have ever been to having a sense of love in my life... 

Now its gone.. and i'm left alone...

Hopefully someone will come soon.. but again until then.. I just have the memories of what was (or what I thought was).

So appreciate what you have...

Ha.. You had double love at one time.. that's funny :-(

So when you go back to the one love

I go back to nothing.

So when you are cuddling and kissing and loving him, remember everyone does not have that, So appreciate it.... Also remember some of us are just waiting for someone to set our Hearts free.

I'm glad y'all hearts are free. 

i just wish mine was also.

Thanks for the lesson learned....

It's hard...

I'll get through it...

cold, lost, dark, and worn,

Looking for someone to bring the light and the right outta me....

As much as i wished and hoped it could be you.....

I realized it's not you on a relationship lover type of way :-(

But until i find Mr. Right like you have.. I still smile, but inside i'm cold, full of void, Lost and alone....

Still...... with no one to hold.

Not This Again!

Thought it would be easier then this...

I want you.. but can't have you..

and it hurts....

I thought i was over it..

but when i laid in my bed.. I ended up staring at the wall for three hours thinking

Thinking what you had done to put me in this place

thinking Why?

but then i realized..

You showed me a kind of "like" no one has ever shown me..

You made me feel special... 

even if it just was temporary

You made me feel wanted..

You made me feel loved..

But in your case it was a form of  "like".

I mistook it for love.. that's my fault... 

I learned not to view like as love as a result of this... 

but....

They say you cant miss it till it's gone..

And i didn't miss it..

until you came along.. 

Now its all I can think about... 

I really thought it was over...

I was ready to Celebrate me not having feelings for you anymore

But i guess its not

Its not as strong as it used to be..

but something is still there..

Right...?

Between us something is still there?

Right?

I want to hold on to ny possibility of us getting together...

I'm fighting with myself to hold on.. or let go...

But why should I hold on..

you made your choice very obvious when you chose to make it work with him..

Leaving me high and dry and wanting more

You had your cake, and you ate it too..

Not gonna fault you for that...

And I still got mad love for you...(as a homie, us as homies is great!! i love it a lot.. i'm just trying to see us as only homies.. and it is getting there. but its a tough and hard process)

It was a learning experience..

I learned soo much from this about myself..

I saw how i would be in a relationship, even if it was not a real relationship; it was the closets i had been to getting in one, and i do not know if i liked everything i saw in myself..

So i need to change those things...

And i will....

and maybe when i change those things i will finally... 

Maybe finally...

Find someone for me....

I'm tired of being alone...

I'm tired of seeing everyone feel loved...

and me get nothing.

except, hurt, pain, lies, falsehood, experimented with, screamed at, cussed at, abused and used....

i don't deserve it.

I just want to have that feeling of waking up and knowing someone is on the path of loving me and vice versa. 

Someone Special.

Someone real.

I thought i could of had this one...

But it was all a lie.

We both knew it was not going to work.

I'm just the only one who is left out in the cold

So for a time they had a double shot of love...

and i had nothing...

But my love was genuine...

I don't know about theirs.. 

I would hope it was.. but even if it was..

I still cant have them.....

And it hurts to know they have moved on and Back to the love they had before...

While i slowly sink back into the darkness called self hate.

i just wanna be loved.

But i'm starting to think even that's too much to ask.

Feelings... Nothing but these Funny Feelings

Why do I have these feelings for you... 

Why?.. 

WHY!!!!!!

i beat myself up everyday for having these feelings.. 

emotionally beat that is...

I cant stop thinking about you...

wondering what's going on.. 

why this.. why that... 

this is Ridiculous... 

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings

I get jealous knowing that you are with him

I get jealous just thinking about you touching him, and loving him.. 

Everytime you don't respond i think you're making love to him.. 

It makes me sad, mad, and hurt.. 

But i have no right to feel these feelings,

Because you are his... 

Y'all have the right to do that....

But why am I feeling this way...

I think about you more out of the day then i think about myself

I can't focus in school

I can't function at home.. 

it's getting to the point to where i feel like CRAP!

i Don't know what to do... 

I don't know...

I text.. you hardly respond

I call.. you hardly pick up... 

But then you say you miss me and the feelings that were leaving all come rushing back...

Its hard being friends with someone you like a lot... almost Love. 

you would think it would be easy seeing that we do not see each other a lot... 

shoot.. hardly at all...

but its extremely hard to get over you...

i see you pulling away from me.. and going back to him.. 

dang.. 

I constantly think of y'all having sex and it pisses me off... 

i wanna know if it is happening.. 

and why it is happening...

Sometimes i feel it would have been better if I had never met you..

I constantly think... why you.. why am i soo worried and concerned with you....

i have had these feelings before.. 

but not as strong as this.. 

the more i try to pull away.. 

the more i find myself thinking and wanting you..

wanting to hold you..

Kiss you.. 

Caress your hair

kiss your tattoos

kiss you... Softly...

rub on your back....

run my fingers through your hair...

But i cant.. 

cuz he is in my place...

and it bothers me to no end...

i don't know who to be mad at.. 

Him for being where i want to be

or you for introducing yourself to me...

My heart is heavy with emotions and is deeply saddened. 

i know you did not mean for this to happen

I know you did not do this on purpose...

I just had to get this out 

write this down...

tell you how i felt...

I've tried suppressing my feelings and it only makes me depressed and more emotional

I cant suppress anymore

I noticed i mask my depression with laughter and trying to be happy.. but that puts me at a war with myself because on the outside i am extremely happy, but on the inside i am extremely hurt. Emotionally Conflicted to where the laughter turns into tears back into laughing back into tears.

I have never felt this way towards anyone. This is all new to me... All random to me... All "WTF" to me.... I don't know how to handle it.. 

But i am slowly learning.. 

This process is Hard and rough.. you're everything i want.. everything i need... But i cant have you..

I wish i met you first.. everytime i see a date before 2007 i think "Dang.. I wish i knew him then... cuz then i would have known him first... and We would be together" but that's not how the cards were dealt.. and right now i am not liking my hand.... 

You probably won't ever read this....

but if you do....

Know that these are my real genuine feelings towards you.

its a love/hate thing...

I love you...

but i hate the emotions i am going through because i can't have you....

Focus.. Can you see me Clearly Now?

So i am sitting in the room all alone.. with nothing but my thoughts and my music.. I could talk about a lot.. but i will keep this post short.. 

Patched things up with my friend.. Everything is good now.. 

I realized i  hate Love Triangles...

Umm.. I do not enjoy school anymore... 

I just want it to be done with.

I noticed i smell good! Like.. I am smelling my own clothes cuz i like the way they smell.. HAHA.. i never knew i had a scent.. it smells GOOD! 

Taking future potentials into my own hands.. I am not getting anywhere waiting for someone to just knock on my door.. So i gotta start knocking on peoples.. LOL.. 

I am motivated to expand my skills at dancing.. Always room for improvement right?! LOL

I see how much MUSIC is a part of my life.. and I CRAVE IT LIKE A DRUG!

I see how attached and how quickly a friendship can develop.

i see i might need to slow down and put the brakes on that sometime..

its not healthy.. LOL

But then again.. How can you say how slow or fast a true friendship develops.. so Nevermind... Scratch that.. All my good friends have been GREAT friends from the Jump.. All my bad friendships i had to force the friendship.. so yea... DEF scratch that last statement i said ... LOL

YAY! i JUST saw something and my first initial reaction was not really one of anger.. but more of a "Aww"... thats an improvement from the last few days!!!! YES.. I'm growing.. I Love it..

Anyway.. I think this empty room has got me feeling all sorts of random good vibes for some reason.. 

And this "ROCK THE BOAT" By Aaliyah is giving it to me in ALL THE RIGHT PLACES!!! haha!!! but yea.

Take my life and emotions and thoughts into my own hands again.. Not giving them to no one else.. I kind of Lost my focus these last couple of days/weeks/months... and now I feel like i am back on the right track... :-)

its cool... 

Yea there will be tough days were i will want to revert back but i gotta stay focused.. The Fog in my lens is starting to clear.. and I can see Me again. (and wait... who is that standing right next to me... holding my hand... who.... is.. that?... Welp.. its not that clear yet.. but all i know is someone is there and i know the more days that go by.. the clearer the picture will be.. YAY.. i'm SIKED already!)

(Focus Darrick... don't worry about who it is yet.. ) 

Focused.. thats the word... Focused... that's it.. DARRICK STAY FOCUSED!

And KEEP THIS SHORT! HAHAHAHAHA. 

Peace Y'all :-D

*~Dae~*