Sunday, March 27, 2011
Mother Reads!
I believe my mother reads my posts on here... hhahahaha.. so i might make it as dirty on here as i can! hahaha...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Thoughts Clouding My Mind!
so I don't know what i want to talk about on here... I feel like it is time for an update but i have no idea where to start or go.. So.. I will just let my mind roam and my fingers type.
So i want to to continue to grow my hair out but i am starting to get over it.. Like i want it.. but then again i don't..
I wan tto keep the promise to myself that i would have hair all of my twenties.. but then again it is just a hassle to maintain... I dont know.. I gotta keep it up.. i am halfway there.. but i dont know.. tonight i really just wanted to chop it all off.. but i decided not to... But we shall see..
The thoughts running through my mind consist of my hair.. My body.. My self Worth... my Living situation, my job hunt, and my relationships with people...
Different little tidbits of thoughts randomly are running through my mind and i can not focus on just one.. I cant complete a single thought when it comes to one of them.... its all broken thoughts..
Today i am not trying to go on the deep end of the pool with y'all so I will keep it light and shallow.
Living situations got worse.. and i am really looking to move out very soon.. As soon as i get a job things will start rolling for me...Nothing i can do about it.. but just pray that i get on my own feet and move the heck out!
My body.. Looking on if i changed my body would people like me more.. would i be more desirable to the people i want to attract? Would I be upgraded in the gay community? i don't know? but i guess it is worth a try right? hmm... who knows.. HAHAHA..
My Self worth... I am not the type of person to just go around having sex with anything that has a penis.. (i got standards.. very high ones) but i recently found myself in a situation that i know is not healthy.. but I keep going back to it.. expecting different results.. the guy does nto respect me.. nor want anything to do with me, other then to have sex... Now at first that was cool cuz that is what i wanted also.. but i don't even like this guy and i see myself saying.. well he is giving it to me so i might as well take it.. i guess he is saying the same thing.. but everytime i am on my way to his house i get this feeling of... "why are you doing this.. you know he just slept with someone else.. and he has like 5 people he is sleeping with (cuz he told you) and you are not special" but i end up going anyway
Sometimes i want to be emotionless....which to a degree i am.. but i don't want to be just a whore giving it to anyone who does not care about me. I am torn.. because i want to just get my rocks off... but then i find myself wanting more.. and not getting anything out of it when i just get my rocks off..
But i am scared to be in a relationship because of the past and me not knowing what to do. Scared of the unknown...
Scared because i have been alone all my life without anyone coming close to what i was looking for.. well.. except for one.. but we shall not go into that.. but that one is the reason why i became even more afraid to put myself out there again...
all in all.. I just don't want my youth being spent alone and lonely...i don't want to be bitter.. and angry.. and desperate.. looking like how my mother did and does. i'm already halfway through my twenties...
I would have liked to have been in a ton of relationships by now and at least knowing that i was wanted by people at one point or another.. then not having any and feeling like no one wants me.
Ugh enough about relationships.. i told myself 2011 was not a year for me to complain about relationships so i am going to stop..
Job Hunt... Been on the prowl for what seems like forever with no results.. do you know how it feels to be rejected from every single job.. and then have your mother down your throat telling you that you need a job like you are not looking...
Its very frustrating..
I do not want to be 25 still living with my mother! I want to be on my own dangit!!
HAHA
I envy people who are out already doing what they wanna do and living how they wan to live. especially people who are younger then me..
But today i applied for a job and was put on the waiting list.. Hopefully they call me soon! :-)
My relationships with people... Hmm.. not much to say on that.. i mean there is things i would like to do better so that i can get rid of some people and attract the kind of people i want as friends.. but.. hey.. takes time right..
well thats all i have to say for now..
its a lot..
but at least i got it out my mind!
So i want to to continue to grow my hair out but i am starting to get over it.. Like i want it.. but then again i don't..
I wan tto keep the promise to myself that i would have hair all of my twenties.. but then again it is just a hassle to maintain... I dont know.. I gotta keep it up.. i am halfway there.. but i dont know.. tonight i really just wanted to chop it all off.. but i decided not to... But we shall see..
The thoughts running through my mind consist of my hair.. My body.. My self Worth... my Living situation, my job hunt, and my relationships with people...
Different little tidbits of thoughts randomly are running through my mind and i can not focus on just one.. I cant complete a single thought when it comes to one of them.... its all broken thoughts..
Today i am not trying to go on the deep end of the pool with y'all so I will keep it light and shallow.
Living situations got worse.. and i am really looking to move out very soon.. As soon as i get a job things will start rolling for me...Nothing i can do about it.. but just pray that i get on my own feet and move the heck out!
My body.. Looking on if i changed my body would people like me more.. would i be more desirable to the people i want to attract? Would I be upgraded in the gay community? i don't know? but i guess it is worth a try right? hmm... who knows.. HAHAHA..
My Self worth... I am not the type of person to just go around having sex with anything that has a penis.. (i got standards.. very high ones) but i recently found myself in a situation that i know is not healthy.. but I keep going back to it.. expecting different results.. the guy does nto respect me.. nor want anything to do with me, other then to have sex... Now at first that was cool cuz that is what i wanted also.. but i don't even like this guy and i see myself saying.. well he is giving it to me so i might as well take it.. i guess he is saying the same thing.. but everytime i am on my way to his house i get this feeling of... "why are you doing this.. you know he just slept with someone else.. and he has like 5 people he is sleeping with (cuz he told you) and you are not special" but i end up going anyway
Sometimes i want to be emotionless....which to a degree i am.. but i don't want to be just a whore giving it to anyone who does not care about me. I am torn.. because i want to just get my rocks off... but then i find myself wanting more.. and not getting anything out of it when i just get my rocks off..
But i am scared to be in a relationship because of the past and me not knowing what to do. Scared of the unknown...
Scared because i have been alone all my life without anyone coming close to what i was looking for.. well.. except for one.. but we shall not go into that.. but that one is the reason why i became even more afraid to put myself out there again...
all in all.. I just don't want my youth being spent alone and lonely...i don't want to be bitter.. and angry.. and desperate.. looking like how my mother did and does. i'm already halfway through my twenties...
I would have liked to have been in a ton of relationships by now and at least knowing that i was wanted by people at one point or another.. then not having any and feeling like no one wants me.
Ugh enough about relationships.. i told myself 2011 was not a year for me to complain about relationships so i am going to stop..
Job Hunt... Been on the prowl for what seems like forever with no results.. do you know how it feels to be rejected from every single job.. and then have your mother down your throat telling you that you need a job like you are not looking...
Its very frustrating..
I do not want to be 25 still living with my mother! I want to be on my own dangit!!
HAHA
I envy people who are out already doing what they wanna do and living how they wan to live. especially people who are younger then me..
But today i applied for a job and was put on the waiting list.. Hopefully they call me soon! :-)
My relationships with people... Hmm.. not much to say on that.. i mean there is things i would like to do better so that i can get rid of some people and attract the kind of people i want as friends.. but.. hey.. takes time right..
well thats all i have to say for now..
its a lot..
but at least i got it out my mind!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Emotional Dance Reality Check
How can i be soo Inspired to tears, but at the same time soo disappointed to tears also?
I LOVE ALL OF HER STUFF... She is soooooo DOPE.....but every time i see a new piece from her or watch her dance.. it reminds me that i am not where i want to be....
Man i thought by this point i would be way closer to my dream... But i am not...
I sit there and watch Candace and I sometimes want to cry because we started off as good... almost GREAT friends being that we were on a team together... But now... Now we hardly talk...
What did I do wrong? Why do i feel rejected.. when others are accepted?
I know she would have been a great mentor for me... But now i feel like i got kicked out of the party and i am outside looking in... Looking into her and other people i admire do what I feel i should be doing... Looking at them getting better and better.. making a living off of dancing... and me... Feeling like i am getting worse and worse.. Feeling the back pain creeping up more and more.. Feeling myself getting more and more stiff as the days go by...
It saddens me to no end...
And I feel like there is nothing i can do....
The more i try.. The harder it gets..
Shouldn't things get easier the more you practice?!
I question that Previous question the harder I try.
I can't point fingers... I can't find someone to blame..
It's me...
I don't know what I an doing wrong.
The more i choreograph, the more i feel dance leaving my soul....
The more i dance.. the more i feel the clock telling me it is over....
Telling me I did not make the most if my prime opportunities....
Telling me my height, lack of car gas, distance from professional dance studios, and school conflicts robbed me of my passion and my dream....
I see it...
I feel it...
I keep trying to tell myself I still have time.. Just keep going at it... Don't give up...
I'm Trying... I just can't seem to make myself believe that....
Dance is Slipping away from me like sand in-between my fingers.
It hurts....
But all I can do is watch and keep trying right?
So how can I be inspired to tears, but at the same time disappointed to tears?
Easy.....
Because watching and actually dancing can give me a joy, warmth, and pleasure that i can not explain..
But
I can't seem to understand why dance.. my Love.. my Passion..My Joy.... something I put soo much time into molding and crafting...
Refuses me...
Disses me...
and ultimately Hates me back.
I LOVE ALL OF HER STUFF... She is soooooo DOPE.....but every time i see a new piece from her or watch her dance.. it reminds me that i am not where i want to be....
Man i thought by this point i would be way closer to my dream... But i am not...
I sit there and watch Candace and I sometimes want to cry because we started off as good... almost GREAT friends being that we were on a team together... But now... Now we hardly talk...
What did I do wrong? Why do i feel rejected.. when others are accepted?
I know she would have been a great mentor for me... But now i feel like i got kicked out of the party and i am outside looking in... Looking into her and other people i admire do what I feel i should be doing... Looking at them getting better and better.. making a living off of dancing... and me... Feeling like i am getting worse and worse.. Feeling the back pain creeping up more and more.. Feeling myself getting more and more stiff as the days go by...
It saddens me to no end...
And I feel like there is nothing i can do....
The more i try.. The harder it gets..
Shouldn't things get easier the more you practice?!
I question that Previous question the harder I try.
I can't point fingers... I can't find someone to blame..
It's me...
I don't know what I an doing wrong.
The more i choreograph, the more i feel dance leaving my soul....
The more i dance.. the more i feel the clock telling me it is over....
Telling me I did not make the most if my prime opportunities....
Telling me my height, lack of car gas, distance from professional dance studios, and school conflicts robbed me of my passion and my dream....
I see it...
I feel it...
I keep trying to tell myself I still have time.. Just keep going at it... Don't give up...
I'm Trying... I just can't seem to make myself believe that....
Dance is Slipping away from me like sand in-between my fingers.
It hurts....
But all I can do is watch and keep trying right?
So how can I be inspired to tears, but at the same time disappointed to tears?
Easy.....
Because watching and actually dancing can give me a joy, warmth, and pleasure that i can not explain..
But
I can't seem to understand why dance.. my Love.. my Passion..My Joy.... something I put soo much time into molding and crafting...
Refuses me...
Disses me...
and ultimately Hates me back.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines Day 2011
So.... Today is Valentines Day!!!!!!! :-)
I have learned soo much about love recently it is RIDICULOUS!
I take everything with much appreciation and LOVE...
Even though i do not have a valentine this year, I still appreciate all the love that surrounds me.
Valentines Day is not just for the one who is "putting it on ya", but for the one that has been there for you from day one, and let's not forget the one anonymous person who gave you a nice smile while you were walking to school,work, or wherever... It's for everyone who has made you smile, laugh, think, and just anyone who has made you appreciate Life and Love.
Valentines Day is to remember to appreciate the love that surrounds you...
and this year.. I am doing Just that...
Appreciating the love I have for myself...
The Love I have for God.... (That's The ultimate Love)
The Love I have for my family...
And the Love I have for My Friends!
Today! Let's Celebrate the love....
But don't let it stop today.. Do it everyday.. and appreciate all you have.. show your love and appreciation EVERYDAY!
So HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! If you are by yourself, or with someone.. Show and Spread The Love!
Enjoy! :-)
I have learned soo much about love recently it is RIDICULOUS!
I take everything with much appreciation and LOVE...
Even though i do not have a valentine this year, I still appreciate all the love that surrounds me.
Valentines Day is not just for the one who is "putting it on ya", but for the one that has been there for you from day one, and let's not forget the one anonymous person who gave you a nice smile while you were walking to school,work, or wherever... It's for everyone who has made you smile, laugh, think, and just anyone who has made you appreciate Life and Love.
Valentines Day is to remember to appreciate the love that surrounds you...
and this year.. I am doing Just that...
Appreciating the love I have for myself...
The Love I have for God.... (That's The ultimate Love)
The Love I have for my family...
And the Love I have for My Friends!
Today! Let's Celebrate the love....
But don't let it stop today.. Do it everyday.. and appreciate all you have.. show your love and appreciation EVERYDAY!
So HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! If you are by yourself, or with someone.. Show and Spread The Love!
Enjoy! :-)
Friday, February 4, 2011
So....
Today i found myself with some time on my hands and some thoughts in my mind so I am writing them down. Nothing Fancy or Deep. (I hope) But just my little fingers writing whatever comes to mind.
Vibe was Last Weekend (1/30/11) and let me tell you.. I had soo much Fun… Just preparing for vibe was fun.. The new team is growing on me very fast and i am enjoying everyones company. I love cooking and making things for them to try.. Some i am a pro at.. and some i am not.. but just seeing them enjoy whatever i make makes me happy..
But anyway Vibe was dope.. All the talent that was in the building was something i could not grasp my head around. All the acts worked really hard and you could tell the hunger they had for placing. If it was my way everyone would have gotten an award… But if that was the case.. No one would work hard.. HAHAA..
The only bad thing was that i had no money.. So i was asking people if they could buy food for me (Thanks Sidney)… I hate being without money and not knowing where my next dine is going to come from… But i know this is a temporary problem so i will not dwell on it too much. I just can not let another year go by without having some sort of income.
With that in mind i just sit at home.. look for jobs, and watch shows. Giving me some sort of entertainment when i am not dancing.. and the show i have come across and decided to watch the whole series is Dexter. Now i tried to watch this show about a year ago but i was not feeling it. What made me try again.. I do not know.. But now i Like it.. It’s soo dark.. but funny.. and now gives me something to look forward to… Sounds bad that all i have to look forward to is a television show. Hopefully that will all change soon when i find a job. The show is Really good though.. I recommend watching it if you haven’t already.
Another thing that has crossed my mind recently is that Valentines Day is coming up.. A day filled with Love and Appreciation for the one who is giving you love. And this year, I am happy with myself .. I am content with the love I feel for myself… Now last year was another story… I was down and out.. But this year.. it’s a complete 180 degrees, and i like that… It took me going through the worst valentines day, to make these next ones the best. :-) yay for growth. I actually welcome Valentines Day.. I look forward to Baking some Valentines Day Cookies and just enjoying me. Actually now that I think about it.. Thanking and Loving God for the Love He has For me… and for the love He is preparing for me… Valentines Day is meant for love.. no matter what kind.. so.. Imma love the love God has for me!
I see everything going back to normal again.. I see myself going back to the way i was previous to the end of 2009 and i am stoked about that.. Meaning singing and hearing songs and not making a connection to any experiences I have had in my life. Seeing images and not feeling any particular way towards them, shoot… not feeling anything at all… this is what i think is true growth and true acceptance for what happened in my life. I had never gone through something like that, and so i did not know how long it would take me to truly get through that particular hurt in my life. There were some times I did not think i would ever get through this and it would hurt me for the rest of my life… But… once i got rid of everything associated with the incident… I finally started making some drastic progress and I LOVE that! truly moving on and pouring hot chocolate on that cold heart of mine that I had… Letting me love me again… which in turn i feel will let others love me…
That incident was a Mountain, turned into a Hill, which turned into a boulder, which turned into a rock, which is now a pebble. Which is something I can step over…
A motto I live by is Experience, Learn, Embrace, and Move On! (ELEAMO<—-corny word i know.. but it works! hahaha) and once i am in the moving on stage regarding a situation there is no turning back!
So… This Valentines Day is a celebration for the love I thought I lost… The Love I thought I would Never get back… The Most valuable Love in all the universe… The love I have for me…
Ok ok ok…. this did get a little out of the kiddie pool zone but my fingers just kept writing what was on my mind…
But….
The Most important thing on this particular blog is…..
VIBE WAS DOPE! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Congrats to all the teams that Placed….
Peace.
Vibe was Last Weekend (1/30/11) and let me tell you.. I had soo much Fun… Just preparing for vibe was fun.. The new team is growing on me very fast and i am enjoying everyones company. I love cooking and making things for them to try.. Some i am a pro at.. and some i am not.. but just seeing them enjoy whatever i make makes me happy..
But anyway Vibe was dope.. All the talent that was in the building was something i could not grasp my head around. All the acts worked really hard and you could tell the hunger they had for placing. If it was my way everyone would have gotten an award… But if that was the case.. No one would work hard.. HAHAA..
The only bad thing was that i had no money.. So i was asking people if they could buy food for me (Thanks Sidney)… I hate being without money and not knowing where my next dine is going to come from… But i know this is a temporary problem so i will not dwell on it too much. I just can not let another year go by without having some sort of income.
With that in mind i just sit at home.. look for jobs, and watch shows. Giving me some sort of entertainment when i am not dancing.. and the show i have come across and decided to watch the whole series is Dexter. Now i tried to watch this show about a year ago but i was not feeling it. What made me try again.. I do not know.. But now i Like it.. It’s soo dark.. but funny.. and now gives me something to look forward to… Sounds bad that all i have to look forward to is a television show. Hopefully that will all change soon when i find a job. The show is Really good though.. I recommend watching it if you haven’t already.
Another thing that has crossed my mind recently is that Valentines Day is coming up.. A day filled with Love and Appreciation for the one who is giving you love. And this year, I am happy with myself .. I am content with the love I feel for myself… Now last year was another story… I was down and out.. But this year.. it’s a complete 180 degrees, and i like that… It took me going through the worst valentines day, to make these next ones the best. :-) yay for growth. I actually welcome Valentines Day.. I look forward to Baking some Valentines Day Cookies and just enjoying me. Actually now that I think about it.. Thanking and Loving God for the Love He has For me… and for the love He is preparing for me… Valentines Day is meant for love.. no matter what kind.. so.. Imma love the love God has for me!
I see everything going back to normal again.. I see myself going back to the way i was previous to the end of 2009 and i am stoked about that.. Meaning singing and hearing songs and not making a connection to any experiences I have had in my life. Seeing images and not feeling any particular way towards them, shoot… not feeling anything at all… this is what i think is true growth and true acceptance for what happened in my life. I had never gone through something like that, and so i did not know how long it would take me to truly get through that particular hurt in my life. There were some times I did not think i would ever get through this and it would hurt me for the rest of my life… But… once i got rid of everything associated with the incident… I finally started making some drastic progress and I LOVE that! truly moving on and pouring hot chocolate on that cold heart of mine that I had… Letting me love me again… which in turn i feel will let others love me…
That incident was a Mountain, turned into a Hill, which turned into a boulder, which turned into a rock, which is now a pebble. Which is something I can step over…
A motto I live by is Experience, Learn, Embrace, and Move On! (ELEAMO<—-corny word i know.. but it works! hahaha) and once i am in the moving on stage regarding a situation there is no turning back!
So… This Valentines Day is a celebration for the love I thought I lost… The Love I thought I would Never get back… The Most valuable Love in all the universe… The love I have for me…
Ok ok ok…. this did get a little out of the kiddie pool zone but my fingers just kept writing what was on my mind…
But….
The Most important thing on this particular blog is…..
VIBE WAS DOPE! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Congrats to all the teams that Placed….
Peace.
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