Emotional Dance Reality Check

How can i be soo Inspired to tears, but at the same time soo disappointed to tears also?



I LOVE ALL OF HER STUFF... She is soooooo DOPE.....but every time i see a new piece from her or watch her dance.. it reminds me that i am not where i want to be....

Man i thought by this point i would be way closer to my dream... But i am not...

I sit there and watch Candace and I sometimes want to cry because we started off as good... almost GREAT friends being that we were on a team together... But now... Now we hardly talk...

What did I do wrong? Why do i feel rejected.. when others are accepted?

I know she would have been a great mentor for me... But now i feel like i got kicked out of the party and i am outside looking in... Looking into her and other people i admire do what I feel i should be doing... Looking at them getting better and better.. making a living off of dancing... and me... Feeling like i am getting worse and worse.. Feeling the back pain creeping up more and more.. Feeling myself getting more and more stiff as the days go by...
It saddens me to no end...
And I feel like there is nothing i can do....
The more i try.. The harder it gets..
Shouldn't things get easier the more you practice?!
I question that Previous question the harder I try.
I can't point fingers... I can't find someone to blame..
It's me...
I don't know what I an doing wrong.
The more i choreograph, the more i feel dance leaving my soul....
The more i dance.. the more i feel the clock telling me it is over....
Telling me I did not make the most if my prime opportunities....
Telling me my height, lack of car gas, distance from professional dance studios, and school conflicts robbed me of my passion and my dream....
I see it...
I feel it...
I keep trying to tell myself I still have time.. Just keep going at it... Don't give up...
I'm Trying... I just can't seem to make myself believe that....
Dance is Slipping away from me like sand in-between my fingers.
It hurts....
But all I can do is watch and keep trying right?


So how can I be inspired to tears, but at the same time disappointed to tears?

Easy.....

Because watching and actually dancing can give me a joy, warmth, and pleasure that i can not explain..

But

I can't seem to understand why dance.. my Love.. my Passion..My Joy.... something I put soo much time into molding and crafting...

Refuses me...

Disses me...

and ultimately Hates me back.