Thoughts Clouding My Mind!

so I don't know what i want to talk about on here... I feel like it is time for an update but i have no idea where to start or go.. So.. I will just let my mind roam and my fingers type.

So i want to to continue to grow my hair out but i am starting to get over it.. Like i want it.. but then again i don't..
I wan tto keep the promise to myself that i would have hair all of my twenties.. but then again it is just a hassle to maintain... I dont know.. I gotta keep it up.. i am halfway there.. but i dont know.. tonight i really just wanted to chop it all off.. but i decided not to... But we shall see..

The thoughts running through my mind consist of my hair.. My body.. My self Worth... my Living situation, my job hunt, and my relationships with people...

Different little tidbits of thoughts randomly are running through my mind and i can not focus on just one.. I cant complete a single thought when it comes to one of them.... its all broken thoughts..

Today i am not trying to go on the deep end of the pool with y'all so I will keep it light and shallow.

Living situations got worse.. and i am really looking to move out very soon.. As soon as i get a job things will start rolling for me...Nothing i can do about it.. but just pray that i get on my own feet and move the heck out!

My body.. Looking on if i changed my body would people like me more.. would i be more desirable to the people i want to attract? Would I be upgraded in the gay community? i don't know? but i guess it is worth a try right? hmm... who knows.. HAHAHA..

My Self worth... I am not the type of person to just go around having sex with anything that has a penis.. (i got standards.. very high ones) but i recently found myself in a situation that i know is not healthy.. but I keep going back to it.. expecting different results.. the guy does nto respect me.. nor want anything to do with me, other then to have sex... Now at first that was cool cuz that is what i wanted also.. but i don't even like this guy and i see myself saying.. well he is giving it to me so i might as well take it.. i guess he is saying the same thing.. but everytime i am on my way to his house i get this feeling of... "why are you doing this.. you know he just slept with someone else.. and he has like 5 people he is sleeping with (cuz he told you) and you are not special" but i end up going anyway
Sometimes i want to be emotionless....which to a degree i am.. but i don't want to be just a whore giving it to anyone who does not care about me. I am torn.. because i want to just get my rocks off... but then i find myself wanting more.. and not getting anything out of it when i just get my rocks off..
But i am scared to be in a relationship because of the past and me not knowing what to do. Scared of the unknown...
Scared because i have been alone all my life without anyone coming close to what i was looking for.. well.. except for one.. but we shall not go into that.. but that one is the reason why i became even more afraid to put myself out there again...

all in all.. I just don't want my youth being spent alone and lonely...i don't want to be bitter.. and angry.. and desperate.. looking like how my mother did and does. i'm already halfway through my twenties...
I would have liked to have been in a ton of relationships by now and at least knowing that i was wanted by people at one point or another.. then not having any and feeling like no one wants me.
Ugh enough about relationships.. i told myself 2011 was not a year for me to complain about relationships so i am going to stop..

Job Hunt... Been on the prowl for what seems like forever with no results.. do you know how it feels to be rejected from every single job.. and then have your mother down your throat telling you that you need a job like you are not looking...
Its very frustrating..
I do not want to be 25 still living with my mother! I want to be on my own dangit!!
HAHA
I envy people who are out already doing what they wanna do and living how they wan to live. especially people who are younger then me..
But today i applied for a job and was put on the waiting list.. Hopefully they call me soon! :-)

My relationships with people... Hmm.. not much to say on that.. i mean there is things i would like to do better so that i can get rid of some people and attract the kind of people i want as friends.. but.. hey.. takes time right..

well thats all i have to say for now..

its a lot..
but at least i got it out my mind!