One of the Worst Fears I Have.

I'm Scared S**tless to be in a relationship... A real One... not one of these Fly by night ones that I see many people have.

It is hard for me to actually describe the things that have been going through my mind for the past few days. I have been trying to gather up the thoughts and feelings and actually put them into sentences that make sense... I can't though... it's a tough pill to swallow knowing that i can't just go ahead and say the things i want to say. Most times i do not feel there is anyone out there for me. who can Love me for me.. I know i am not perfect.. and most times i feel i am the most imperfect person in the world....I strive to make myself better.. But every time i feel i make myself better, something else is staring me right in the face, making me feel lower then when i started. Now I am not in a depressed mood or anything. So i am not writing this with a sad face or wanting a pity party. But these are the thoughts that Are running in my head.. The surface thoughts. I hinted at this a few nights ago with my "Relationship Abundance or Relationship Starvation.. What's the Deciding Factor" blog entry and it still obviously Boggles my mind how people who look a certain way or have horrid qualities or don't even take care of themselves seem to always have people on their JOCK! i don't believe i will EVER understand why.

But if that time for me ever comes i know i will be scared S**TLESS!!!!! (Now i don't curse but i feel that is the only way for me to say it with enough emphasis to show you how serious i am) I won't know what to do.. what to say.. I won't know ANYTHING... I don't want to be dumb in a relationship.. But i feel that is what will happen because i do not know the first thing about relationships (meaning me actually being in one)

Now when it comes to other people being in a relationship and them asking for my advice, i can tell them a whole bunch, i can listen to the problem, take into consideration both sides of the argument, and solve the issue, or at least give my two cents. Some people call me the Ghandi of relationship advice.. HAHA.. but when it comes to me being in a relationship, i know, i will not know what to do!
I don't know the FIRST thing about a relationship.

I could go on for DAYS about this subject. I think i will stop here though.. Being scared for someone to love me sounds stupid right? Well... it's a very real fear i have.. each year it gets stronger and stronger... Like Jazmine Sullivan Said in her song 'Lions, Tigers, and Bears' "I'm Not scared of Lions and Tigers and Bears, but I'm scared of Loving you

Whoever "You" is.. YOU'RE TERRIFYING THE CRAP OUTTA ME! hahahaha..