My 2009 in Review. Goodbye 2009!

Wow!!!! 2009... Gone!!!!

Thoughts of the year...

Ok.. So in January I tried out for Breed.. Jan 4th to be exact... I was soo nervous but Excited at the same time.. I honestly did not think i was going to make it .. but someone saw potential in me and Made a SPOT ON THE TEAM FOR ME!!! yay!!! I was ECSTATIC!!! Y'all have NO idea how Happy I was... Performed with them for the first time on Jan 25th and then had my Horrible Accident! Hydroplaned my car and Flipped it over twice. Landed on the hood and i had to crawl out in the mud and all i could do was THANK GOD i was ok... All i had was a scratch from the seatbelt. (WOW.. IM SPEECHLESS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW)... Needless to say the car was Totaled, and i had 9 more payments to pay it off.. man... but February comes along and I get my new Car.. A 2009 TOYOTA Corolla Sport!!!! YAY!!! I love it..It's Gray and it the business!!!!!!! Got it on Feb 13th to be exact. Love it.. (why did I JUST put the plates on a week ago! haha) Then my mother goes out the next day and gets a new Toyota Camry!!!! wow!! Thank God!

I was traveling all around with Breed during the spring months.. Like to Chicago (First time going there By myself with NO family.. Exciting but nervous at the same time!) and Las Vegas.. I had a great Time there with Breed!

School was going great.. I ended school in May with a 3.75! (WHAT WHAT!!! THE HIGHEST OF MY COLLEGE LIFE!) I would have got a 4.0 but i got a B in DANCING... IN DANCING!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! haha...

The summer rolls around and I am content with life. I am practicing with breed and we are doing big things.. Then We go to The bay...

And that's when 2009 started to turn for the worst.

I went from being a Happy Optimistic Darrick to a Depressed, Solemn, Gloomy, Quiet Darrick.

I learned about cliques and the ranks people put themselves in without the consideration of others. I shut myself off from Family and Breed. Meaning i was not as open as i should have been. It sucked feeling alone and depressed with no one to turn to. My back and neck started to pain me more and more. The pain was sometimes Unbearable but i pressed through dancing anyway. Throbbing back and neck pain that would sometimes make me want to curl in a ball and cry.

August... My mother's birthday and still seeing people's true colors. I started my LAST YEAR OF SCHOOL! YAY!!! GET IT!!!!! 5TH YEAR SENIOR! HAHA! Met someone that would change my life.... Forever....

September...(SIGH) September... Gosh.. what can i NOT say about september...

Well.... I taught my FIRST BOOGIEZONE CLASS!!!! I liked it!! Loved it actually.. can't wait to get another class.. (thanks Elm) Went to the Breed retreat.... Had a lot of fun there.. even though it did not seem like it cuz i was still shut off from people.. Learning about myself and others. But i had a great time....Learned that weekend that shutting off is not good at all.. and only isolates you more... While i was there i started to talk to the individual that changed my life via text and phone calls.....

We had soo much in common.. it was like they were my other half!!!!!!! (wow.. never met someone who made me feel like that) They made my gloomy life have a ray of sunshine in it.. Corny.. but true :-)

My 23RD BIRTHDAY!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Was talking more and more to that individual...

October.... yea... October... Was still in my funk but this individual was bringing out the best of me.. I loved talking to them and seeing them would light up my day. I loved the E-mails we had.. haha.. October was a great month.. I wish i could have one night back to relive... but.. its ok... I then was back and forth in the hospital, for minor things... nothing major, but i did not mind cuz that special individual was emotionally there to hold my hand. :-) .. I was scared.. but i would never tell them that.. but i thank them for being there...

But that is also when things between me and that individual started to go downward....

November.. They told me "I like you.. but i Love them"....Yea... My heart broke into a million pieces to the point where i cried myself to sleep for the next few weeks after that...

...talking to someone in a relationship is all wrong.. dangit..

Had my Heart played with and toyed with... never again will that happen in a situation like that...

I learned.

Enter the depression.. seclusion, regret. and Hurt. My grades started to slip.. I did not care about myself.. I found myself thinking about them ALL THE TIME! wanting them.. wondering what they man had that i did not have.... started to have a deep hatred for their man..

But i caught myself and changed that anger to jealousy.. and from Jealousy back to hurt. and from hurt to being fine with it. I realized they are not mine... and that's ok.. there are other fish in the sea... so go after the other fish! haha

Talked to some people on Breed and they helped me out with my issues.. HAHA..

December... Performed my last set of the year with breed.. Basically all of Core is leaving Breed and it is a sad site to see.. dang.. But i know next year is going to be the bidness! :-)

I then was content and ok with seeing the one who changed my life with their boo. the pics, and the talks about them did not bother me as much. its amazing how one person can alter the path of your love life forever.. Cuz before i met them i was fine.. and then they came in and re-arranged my WHOLE thoughts.. but now i can not see myself without them in my life.. even just as friends (which is what we are now) I also got in my first relationship.. Yay!!!! thanks Boo.. see you later tonight...

I also realized how people Settle and stay with people for comfort and convenience... and I never want to be in that situation.. and if i ever get in that position to get out Quick.. cuz that's a waste of both parties time! (eww... WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?! HAHA) In December i realized how i give myself to people too much.. I am always there for everyone else, and no one is there for me....

So.. that will be changed in 2010.. No more always saying Yes..

Imma do and say what i need to say...

It's time for Darrick to be selfish...

I have many memories of 2009... This is the year that I have learned the most about myself in my life soo far....

I wonder what 2010 has in Store for me! I'm ready!!!! Hopefully I get my stuff together and other people i care about get they stuff together and realize the Real....

No more being Charmin for me...

I'm ready.. 2O1O And A new decade here is COME!!! YAY!!!!!!!

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru :-)
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

___________________________________________

I had a dream yesterday and it filled me with soo much joy and excitment..But was soo evil and wrong at the same time...This dream came out of Nowhere....

It's actually quite funny...

So i was over a friends house and i was just over there to visit.

I don't remember What made me go over there but i was over visiting Nonetheless....

i think i was helping him with something.. I think homework... Im not sure though..

ANYWAY. So i was sitting there talking to him when all of a sudden we were Kissing... and rubbing.. and (cough cough) doing the most.....

This went on for about, i say, 10 minutes and then the clothes came off...

we were still doing the whole foreplay thing but it was almost time for the real action to go down, when all of a sudden we heard the FRONT door OPEN.. (Not to be confused with the door to the room we were in) So I leaped Off of the fine body that I was on and he said "Hide under the bed!!! HIDE UNDER THE BED!!!!" (Not a good idea!) so i Slide under the bed naked with my underwear in my hand, but when i get under the bed i REALIZE i have NO room to move.. So i am just chillen on the floor. (Right Charmin... Right!) I'm Like CRAP! (but why was i soo quick to get off that body and slide under the bed. what or WHO could be coming through that front door?! Then the door to the room we were in opened..

Excited and all, the Guy walking through the door was like. "What's up BABY!!!! How was your day and proceeds to give the CHEATING guy a kiss

(BABY?! thats right... the dude in is a RELATIONSHIP! and i will call the dude i was with cheating guy, just to help you distinguish between the two guys, there is cheating guy, and then there is Guy (His Boyfriend).. aiight.. HAHA)

So Cheating guy, all hesitant and all, is like "HEY BABY!!! I....I..... I did not know you would be home soo soon."

"Oh, They let me off Early today because they were overstaffed. I don't mind though, i'm just glad I am home to see my Baby," said Guy.

Cheating Guy responded with "Oh.. I was just about to hop in the shower because...because........, because........I just got done exercising..." (Me Being under the bed i was thinking at this time that Ol' boy's excuses were weak and he could have done better then that lame lie...... especially with all that Hesitation he was doing.. I realized at that moment he was not a pro at the game of cheating and i would have to come and clean up this mess... (Charmin)....All of this convo and some more was going on while i was under the bed naked grabbing my underwear with all my might trying not to bring attention to myself)

Guy was standing in the frame of the door with PERFECT sight of me if only he looked downward. I was trying to move more to the other side of the floor under the bed so that i could get out of sight, all while trying not to draw attention to me...

But then the unspeakable happened..

He spotted me...

It seemed like he knew who i was but was not trying to let Cheating guy know he knew what was up... Guy and cheating Guy proceeded to talk for what seemed like 10 extra minutes (all the while guy was eyeing me every now an again just to make sure i was still there.)

Cheating guy said "I need to get some clothes out the dryer" and left out the door. Now I'm stuck under the bed while his boyfriend, Guy, was like "Aiight, I'mma stay here and handle some business real quick" The door closes and Guy walks over to the bed... kneels down (all the while i am sweating bullets!!!!) looks under the bed.. sees me... and then tries to Go OFF!!!!!!

I, being someone that is slow to anger calmly get out from under the bed, get off the floor, put my boxers and pants back on. (all the while Guy is screaming at me), put on my shirts, walk up to him, look him dead in the eyes, and say "It's not my Fault your man Don't Want You... Anymore."

Silence.....

Guy Finally stopped screaming as that Realization started to Hover over his spirit like a Black Plague...

Me knowing this... I proceed to say "This is not the first time either"

Cheating Guy then runs back in the room, Stops....Sees me staring into Guys Tear filled eyes, but realizes he can not do anything..

Cheating Guy looks stunned that I am not under the bed anymore, he looks at Guy (who is still in shock that i revealed to him that obvious revelation), he looks at me, he looks at Guy, he Looks at me, as I walk over to Him, Give him the most passionate kiss of his life, tell him "See you again Soon Baby, Our Normal spot right?" He Looks shocked but has no words..... And I Walk Out.

Leaving them to deal with the broken pieces of their already broken relationship...

______________________________________________________________________

End of Dream!

WOW! I Shocked Myself! WOW!

How could i come up with a dream like that!

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true.

Now i do not wish for that to come true...

But there are deeper meanings in that story that I wish did come true.. Read between the lines... and Realize...

That dream was Mad Wicked!

Dang.. that was exciting!

I do not wish to be in that situation in real life, cuz thats shady.. But some things i do want to tell people. But they have to realize it for themselves..

Wow.. Im still trippen on that dream! Why would I dream that....

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

My rainbow.... my rainbow.... my rainbow....

I'm gonna keep having faith and believing, but i am still grieving, but hopefully one day my dream that i wish in my heart will come true.. Thanks Cinderella.

Read Between the Lines.

You say you mean good for me
But you don't do it
You say you have a plan but you just don't go thru with it
You say you know the way to go
And I should follow
But all of your empty promises
Leave me hollow

And oh
How do I trust you
How do I love you
When you
Lie to me repeatedly
And oh
How do I have faith, in you
When you just don't come thru
Like you say you could

Oh, say can you see

You say that I'm wrong for
Stating my opinion to you
You say that I'm wrong and there'll be quiet consequences too
But I know my rights babe
There'll be no law abridging
The freedom of my speech
Or the right for me to petition for a remedy of grievances

And I want to trust you
I want to love yeah
But you lie to me repeatedly
And oh I want to have faith in you
But you just don't come thru
Like you said you could
Oh say can you see
Hmmm

I want fresh fruit, clean water,
Air that I don't see
I want the feeling of being safe on my streets
I want my children to be smarter than me
I want, I want to feel
I want to feel, I want to feel free
For real ya'll
I'm just telling you so you know
I want to, I want to have faith in you
I really do but you keep lying to me
It hurts
I believe, I believe you owe it me
Give it to me like you said you would
Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Oohh say can you see
Hmmm
By the dawn's early light

"My Petition"- Jill Scott

Darrick Charmin F.

I need to Change my name to Charmin, Cuz I Wipe, Clean, and Put up with Everyone's ISH!

For a friend.

"Sometimes I don't know what to do in regards to friendships... Should I let it go and end a friendship that means a lot to me?.. or Stay because I'm needed but unappreciated at the same time... :-( Why do we go through these ups and downs all the time... It hurts and it is tiring... I just want you to know that I am there.. by your side...

How is it that YOU do wrong and I end up feeling bad?! I should be cursing you out and saying to Heck with the friendship... maybe i am stupid for being there soo much when all i get in return is...... nothing......

But i see it seems like you need me.. Maybe.. Maybe not...and for whatever reason Something is telling me to stay...

Even though at times i feel like I'm A Ghost (Ghost By Kevin Michael) i still am By Your Side (By Your Side By Sade)...

Something is telling me to stay.. You have come into my life and SHOOK IT UP so much that I don't think i can put it back together without seeing you as a friend.... You've come and blended and made yourself such a part of the pieces of my life that i can not put them back together without you being there.

(This sounds like a love note.. HAHA.. but its a friend note)

This is a note showing you how much i care about you, that I would go as far as being rude to my date just to make sure you were doing ok...

And for you to tell me that i was not there when you needed me..Hurt...bad... I FEEL i was the most there for you even when you said i wasn't... Who was there up with you when you needed help all throughout the night? Who was there not laughing at you, but wanting to help you anytime you needed it. Up helping you when i could have said "I got my own issues, you do you and imma do me" like you have said to me before.

I was there.. Not your boyfriend.. not your other friends.. I was.. and for you to give credit to your boyfriend like he was there (emotionally and physically helping you) all the time through this like i was... Hurt... (I know he did something in the END that helped you pass, but its the little things throughout the process that count.. right?)

I am there WHENEVER you need me. You say i do not understand.. but everything you say i don't understand i do... I just don't tell you and shove it down your throat that i understand.. I understand that you are doing the best that you can.. that you work... that you are going to school... that you are trying to make your relationship with your boyfriend work, that you are trying to get your body back to where you want it to be, that you want more friends to be around you, that you do not have enough time in the day to do everything for everybody, that you love music, that you want to be successful, that you're stressed because of making money and wanting to live comfortably, that you love your 13in Macbook pro!,I understand that you LOVE NIP/TUCK!!! That you LOVE dancing....that you want to get back into it...That you LOVE DOING HAIR and are really good at it... That you miss your close best friends dearly, and how some of them have changed... that you Want to make everyone happy, but then realized that you cant. I understand that you are trying to figure out what you are going to do with your life, that you are not happy with your life right now (but it will get better), i understand that you are afraid of change cuz you do not want anything bad to happen. I understand that you try to care about everyone. I understand that you are finding out Who Andrew is.. I understand that you try to be a Hard @ss but you cant cuz your heart is too big for you to be mean. I understand you felt and sometimes still feel neglected from everyone.. many times you feel misunderstood. many times you want to cry. I understand you have been through soo much in the past that you are still trying to get over, i understand you want to be happy, but there is always something preventing that. I understand how much you miss your family and the support they gave you.. I understand you miss being with them, but are glad you got some freedom away from them... I understand you feel bad if you even think you hurt someone but then you have that urge to be mean to them if you feel they have done you wrong, but it still hurts. I understand you had a hard emotional childhood. I understand you like Black people, That you relate to them a lot. I understand you wish you were a little bit taller, but have come to like your height. I understand you need to make yourself happy before anyone else. I understand that you have an ECLECTIC taste in music... I understand you want to do your best in WHATEVER you do. I understand you feel unappreciated at your job. That you want another job but are afraid of not finding another one.

You say i don't understand you because i encourage you and are positive.

But i encourage you and are positive BECAUSE i understand you and i have been there before...(Trust me.. I have been many of the places you have and felt the things you felt) And i know how it feels to be in those situations and i know if i had someone there to tell me everything would be ok, i would have handled things better.

I understand much more.. but i will leave it at that.

And with me understanding that i want to know much more... But its soo hard when i always get pushed away for the littlest things.

Its ok to feel hurt...

Its ok to cry

I tell you all the time if you need to cry then cry.. if your on webcam with me or in my presence and you need to cry then cry.. we can cry together...

I just don't like being put into the category with everyone else who has done you wrong because i honestly feel like i haven't. I am put and pushed with those people all the time and it is not fair to me.

I care so much about you man.. and i know its probably not mutual, but i care about you.

But for some reason you do not see that.

And i get pushed away

I know its a defense mechanism, but why are you being defensive towards me

What have i done to you to make you feel you need to put up walls between us and this friendship?

You should know i HATE when you push me away... especially over nothing...

I understand you have many emotions and feelings... I understand you.. I really do...I don't get why you do not understand that?

Yes we have been through a lot emotionally.. we play games with each other..(and don't say we don't.. cuz i know we do and you know also..HAHA.) we get jealous of each other...we get mad at each other, we get happy with each other... ( <--that sounds weird but it is true) But thats what I love about the friendship.. we get each other.. but we tip toe around each other in order not to make each other mad.. I dont want to tip toe around you.. I want to tell you what's really on my mind good or bad, and i want you to be able to do the same.

I know you do not like talking about these things because you do not like focusing on the negative, but through the negative can come the positive....

Its weird how we get into these situations... we are doing better... and i love that.. but now its different aspects of our friendship we have to work out.. I know the distance thing affects how the friendship is developing, but i know we can still be good friends..

Just try not to categorize me for things i did not do

Or put me with people and things because of your past

This is a new day and a new you and me.....

Whatever you want to to talk about i am here...

Whenever you want to Vent.. I am here..

Whenever you want to cry.. I am here...

Whenever you want to laugh and be goofy..I am here...

for You.....

I hope you know i wont judge you....

I might not like or agree with everything you do...

But i am here to support you in whatever decisions you make...(as long as it is not dangerous or detrimental to your health)

Like a real friend should be.

I am here to help you and be there for you whichever way i can

Cuz you know it ain't nothing but a word for me to drive 500 miles to come up there if you need me to. Ain't nothing but a word. And i'm Serious.

Understand the bigger picture...

I see it developing.....

I hope you start to also..

Relaxation

I just realized....... I do not know how to relax... i really can't... and when i try i tense up more.....

Relaxation... What is that?!

WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?!

:-/

Soo much!

I have soo much to say to you... But i just dont know where to start...