The Problem.

The fact that I still smile and get butterflies when I see or look at pictures of you disturbs me.

Its been almost 2 years since I've seen or last talked to you....

Out of Site, Out of Mind, right?

In sight, and on my mind.......

(Sigh) Dang Darrick. What am I gonna do about this?

Knowing that I can't, will not, and won't ever let myself have you again, but STILL smile and get butterflies in my stomach when I see you is a MAJOR issue for me....

you don't even want me, but I still get butterflies....

THAT right there, is the problem.

Dang... Why can't I Shake You!

PLEASE COME SOON

So this weekend soo far i have done a Lot.. I went to see my friend Jarell sing at the Key club in Hollywood. He did an AMAZING job!!!! I am soo proud of him... He had a live band and background singers and everything!!! I could not STOP smiling.... After the show I went to visit this guy I am talking to In East L.A. Everything was cool and I had a nice time spending time with him... We did have sex this time.. It was the first time we had sex together. And everything was cool.. But I guess Sex just is Not for me.. I topped him and I was bored and thinking more about other things... And when he topped me i was thinking about this meeting I had to go to at 10 am the next day... (SIGH) It's not that he is not a good guy, because he is... I like his personality and everything.. He is sweet and caring and just an Overall AWESOME package... But I have been really wrestling with just this LOVE thing for weeks now.. And if it's for me or if I EVEN REALLY WANT IT... But right now i am CONVINCED that no matter who it is.. Sex is not for me.. I mean.. I just had sex and it was not the highlight of my day.. Not that it was not cool.. cuz it was.. but I wish I was into it more, that I could have that feeling of Euphoria and just pure Bliss.. But I can't.. I am not sure if it is a Mental block.. or if I just Don't enjoy sex... I am starting to see that no matter who i have sex with.. it's the same when it comes to me... I don't know what to do about it... Is there a song out there that deals with how I feel... ? If so I would REALLY love to hear it! I'm Just not a sex guy.. shoot.. I don't think i am a relationship guy... I don't know what type of guy I am... I'm almost 26 and still feeling like I am 13, meaning trying to figure out who I am. Who I am on the inside, why I feel these ways. I don't know what to do.. every time I figure something out about myself i feel like I just took two steps backwards in Life... (Sigh) I don't know who or what I am looking for.. But... can it please.. Please Come Soon..

I Can't...I Just Can't.

As I lay on my bed and stare into the ceiling i have nothing but time to think about whats been on my mind for the past 3 weeks... Sex and Relationships Now I know everyone and they momma thinks about sex all the time.. But i have not been in this mood in a very long time... The reason being... I want it soo bad.. but at the same time i know i will not enjoy it...I have thought a lot about why that is... Why is it that i can not just enjoy the act of sex.... I have never had an enjoyable sex experience.. Ever. And it seems like the more i try... The worse it gets... Now people tell me i am good at it.. But i just do not enjoy it.. I don't know if it is a mental block or what.. I am looking for something.. But i am not sure what it is... I don't know if i am looking for a REAL relationship.. But i know i am TERRIFIED of relationships... I have never been in one and i do not know what to expect.. I'm scared of me.... I'm scared of how i will be in a relationship.. I'm scared of me being 30 and have never been in a relationship before.. Why do I have to wait soo long in order to feel the slightest sense of someone loving me back... I'm scared of that love because i wont know what to do with it I find myself wanting to throw up sometimes when i think of someone loving me... Is that Natural? or have I trained and embedded in my mind that No one will ever love me that the simple thought of someone actually loving me makes me mentally and physically sick? When i think of love.. I can't eat.. I can't sleep... The only thing i do is clam up... and shut down... I cant even remotely imagine someone being my boyfriend. I try to picture him in my room.... Sitting on my bed... Maybe going to the movies... Holding hands... and the thought quickly fades away and pisses me off... I think that is another reason I cant see myself with a boyfriend.. Because my emotions when it comes to love is ALL OVER THE PLACE... Just as Jumbled as this blog post is, my emotions and thoughts on love are the same way... I believe BECAUSE of this confusion and hurt and disappointment that I have for love makes me not enjoy ANY aspect of Sex. I can't shake the thought of feeling used every time i have sex with someone.. Used for them to get a Quick nut off and then that's it... Ugh... Even porn is not doing it for me anymore... I'm stuck.. and i don't know how to set my mind free. I can't... I just can't... keep living like this....

FAN OF HEAD!!!!!!

I'm Not really an avid fan of Head... I have come to realize that.... I keep giving it one more try.. over and over again.. But it is never something that is mind blowing and just AMAZING as people say it is.. Now I know everyone is different.. But for me.. It's just not all of that!!! I honestly enjoy the kissing and the cuddling more then anything else when it comes to intimacy... But the connection needs to be there first... The gentle touches.. and sweet kisses, a soft gentle lick. Things like that are what do it for me... I could pass on the Penetration, The Sucking, and the Rimming!!!!! I dont know why.. but those never are highlights of sex for me.. Now don't get me wrong.. some days i do wanna GET IT IN.... But that is just mainly to feel something in there... But it is never because it feels AMAZING... I want it to be that way.. that is why i believe i try it over and over again... But it never is that AWESOME! So... I'm not a fan of Head... Nothing i can do about it.. This is just some Random thoughts in my head.. hahaha

Looks like......

Looks like I won't be getting no Dick tonight!! Hahahaha. It's ok though. Next time.

RESURRECTION SUNDAY! :-)

HAPPY RESURRECTION DAY/Easter!!!!!
I hope everyone has a Great One! :-)

So i don't like my new job.. I am looking for another one to replace this one.
Hopefully things turn out fine.

The Silent Killer

I thought i was in the mood to write a blog..and i was.. Until i got home and laid in my bed.. Now i am just Feeling Lazy... But i did get a new job...I started on Monday... But i don't think i like it... it pays more.. but there is no Human Interaction at all.. there is only 7 of us who work there..and throughout the whole day YOU CAN HEAR A PIN DROP.. it's that quiet.. I can't take it.. I am not an Introvert.. or someone who likes to be by themselves.. Anyway.. That's all i want to say... Till Next Time... Oh.. and HAPPY APRIL!