I Can't...I Just Can't.

As I lay on my bed and stare into the ceiling i have nothing but time to think about whats been on my mind for the past 3 weeks... Sex and Relationships Now I know everyone and they momma thinks about sex all the time.. But i have not been in this mood in a very long time... The reason being... I want it soo bad.. but at the same time i know i will not enjoy it...I have thought a lot about why that is... Why is it that i can not just enjoy the act of sex.... I have never had an enjoyable sex experience.. Ever. And it seems like the more i try... The worse it gets... Now people tell me i am good at it.. But i just do not enjoy it.. I don't know if it is a mental block or what.. I am looking for something.. But i am not sure what it is... I don't know if i am looking for a REAL relationship.. But i know i am TERRIFIED of relationships... I have never been in one and i do not know what to expect.. I'm scared of me.... I'm scared of how i will be in a relationship.. I'm scared of me being 30 and have never been in a relationship before.. Why do I have to wait soo long in order to feel the slightest sense of someone loving me back... I'm scared of that love because i wont know what to do with it I find myself wanting to throw up sometimes when i think of someone loving me... Is that Natural? or have I trained and embedded in my mind that No one will ever love me that the simple thought of someone actually loving me makes me mentally and physically sick? When i think of love.. I can't eat.. I can't sleep... The only thing i do is clam up... and shut down... I cant even remotely imagine someone being my boyfriend. I try to picture him in my room.... Sitting on my bed... Maybe going to the movies... Holding hands... and the thought quickly fades away and pisses me off... I think that is another reason I cant see myself with a boyfriend.. Because my emotions when it comes to love is ALL OVER THE PLACE... Just as Jumbled as this blog post is, my emotions and thoughts on love are the same way... I believe BECAUSE of this confusion and hurt and disappointment that I have for love makes me not enjoy ANY aspect of Sex. I can't shake the thought of feeling used every time i have sex with someone.. Used for them to get a Quick nut off and then that's it... Ugh... Even porn is not doing it for me anymore... I'm stuck.. and i don't know how to set my mind free. I can't... I just can't... keep living like this....

FAN OF HEAD!!!!!!

I'm Not really an avid fan of Head... I have come to realize that.... I keep giving it one more try.. over and over again.. But it is never something that is mind blowing and just AMAZING as people say it is.. Now I know everyone is different.. But for me.. It's just not all of that!!! I honestly enjoy the kissing and the cuddling more then anything else when it comes to intimacy... But the connection needs to be there first... The gentle touches.. and sweet kisses, a soft gentle lick. Things like that are what do it for me... I could pass on the Penetration, The Sucking, and the Rimming!!!!! I dont know why.. but those never are highlights of sex for me.. Now don't get me wrong.. some days i do wanna GET IT IN.... But that is just mainly to feel something in there... But it is never because it feels AMAZING... I want it to be that way.. that is why i believe i try it over and over again... But it never is that AWESOME! So... I'm not a fan of Head... Nothing i can do about it.. This is just some Random thoughts in my head.. hahaha

Looks like......

Looks like I won't be getting no Dick tonight!! Hahahaha. It's ok though. Next time.

RESURRECTION SUNDAY! :-)

HAPPY RESURRECTION DAY/Easter!!!!!
I hope everyone has a Great One! :-)

So i don't like my new job.. I am looking for another one to replace this one.
Hopefully things turn out fine.

The Silent Killer

I thought i was in the mood to write a blog..and i was.. Until i got home and laid in my bed.. Now i am just Feeling Lazy... But i did get a new job...I started on Monday... But i don't think i like it... it pays more.. but there is no Human Interaction at all.. there is only 7 of us who work there..and throughout the whole day YOU CAN HEAR A PIN DROP.. it's that quiet.. I can't take it.. I am not an Introvert.. or someone who likes to be by themselves.. Anyway.. That's all i want to say... Till Next Time... Oh.. and HAPPY APRIL!

Marching into My Destiny.

So.. Its been a long time since i have been on here.. I tell you.. I always say I am going to write in this more... but life always gets busy... or I just get Lazy! HAHA always one of those two..
But let me catch yall up on what has been going on with me.... Just working and Going to the Gym.

I am trying to figure out how I am going to et to my goals in life.. But i guess that i everyones journey right..
But the thing about me is I still don't know what those goals i want to accomplish are.. That's the sad part.. I am spending soo much time trying to figure that out that I am wasting my life away...

Another thing that had me a down was Whitney Houston's Passing.. I was a HUGE FAN.... HUGE!!!!!! When i heard of the news on Feb 11th, 2012 I literally went home and just sat in my living room.. I was soo Sad!!!! Soo Mad.. Just sooo many emotions!!!!
Still Every time I listen to her music i get really Emotional.

So Anyway.. I have been trying this dating thing.. It's not really working out.. I have been talking to two guys.. One is Named Demetrius, and the others name is Andrew..
Demetrius is Black..26... he is good looking... He is caring and nice and everything.. But he is not for me.. I am not connecting with him.. . I see him more of a friend... he is not out to his family, and i understand that.. but he is mentally trapped.. Not being himself.. i just want to be friends with him.

Andrew is Latino.. 35.. Has his own business and everything.. But he has ISSUES.. REAL BIG ISSUES! He is trying to control EVERYTHING.. he gets mad if things are not his way and he is VERY opinionated and its hard to have a regular convo with him.. He just sits on the phone.. not talking or anything and then gets mad if i keep saying "Hello.. are you there?"! I feel like i am talking to a wall! I try and try and try.. but its not going anywhere.. I keep getting my hopes up with him and I keep getting let down! I'm not even going into all the other stuff he tries to mentally put me through.. I am not going to deal with it. So I am just going to leave it alone.

I realized the Name ANDREW is not a good fit with me! HAHAHAHA! I kid you not.. I was at the barber shop a few weeks ago and this cutie was sitting in one of the barbers chairs across from me, and everything was good and all, until i found out cuties name was Andrew, and i immediately said "Nope.. not interested anymore" and that sucks.. But Andrew's in my life have never done me right.. So i just learn from it and keep on living. Sucks that a name can do that to you.. but hey.. its happens! HAHAHA

This Job now is becoming something i am not sure i want to do for a long time now. The people there are cool.. But they are pulling me in soo many directions that they are wearing me thin and i am EXHAUSTED and tense after every shift! The workers comp business is not for me!!! It really isn't.. But i am glad i do have a job.. But i am about to start looking for another one.. I KNOW this is not my final working place.. I refuse to let it be!

I need to find my destiny.. I really do.. I think right now i just want to go to the woods or mountains or something like that and just watch the fire flies, and run and try to catch one and just see the beauty in nature... That's what I need. That sounds like soo much fun and i know it would be soo refreshing...

It's March.. I think its time for me to MARCH into my DESTINY.

January Come and Gone and the Name I REALLY REALLY Dislike!

January is Over already.. Dang...
It came soo fast and went soo fast also!!! hahahahaha...
but This month I was talking with this dude.. whose name is Andrew....
It started off good.. but then he got mad crazy.. I can't deal with his mood swings and his constant comparing me to his ex boyfriend.. his emotional outburst and all the excuses he gives for EVERYTHING... I am glad i did not make a deep conneciton with him.. i hardly made anything with him..
But what i have come to realize is...... The name ANDREW is Horrible for me.... people with the name Andrew and I do not Get Along.. I have ran into soo many people named Andrew and it always ends up CRAZY! and not in a good way..... i'm threw... I know i should never hate a name.. but that name right there has always been bad for me...... So unfortunately anyone with that name already has a disadvantage. Sorry.. But that is the truth.