The Clubs

Went to the clubs today in West Hollywood... and for the first time... truly... truly... felt out of place. I have always known that the club scene is not for me... I've never been one to be excited about going to the club... but today.. felt... soo odd.. and just blah....I had a good time with the people I went with... but I just felt soo.. old and out of place... Something has shifted even more to where I now hate the clubs.

Water Park Fantasy Fun!

I just woke up from a dream that i had. I was at a water park and was on an awesome yellow/red flume ride... me and a few other friends were there. I mainly remember Ashley and Rob being there. Wait... it was the beach that had a flume ride... wait.. i think it was a water park that was on the beach.. i am not sure.. lol.. Anyway.. i went on the flume ride once.. and on my second time going on it, i got to the top, and they had a dj up there.. and as i was waiting i started humming and ad-libbing runs and riffs. To my surprise someone notices and put me on the mic!!!!!! I started singing and just LOST MYSELF.. I was singing Musiq, Mint Condition, Rafael Saadiq, Chris Brown, All types of Music!!!! I was having the time of my LIFE up there... then i woke up... IS THIS A SIGN... THIS HAS TO HAPPEN!

Is It Bad...

That I like to prank people on the phone that i have not talked to in weeks.. months.. and years?!?! HAHA I get a kick out of it!

Off My Chest.

Hey! So I am back just to vent a little bit about some thing that are on my mind. First off.. Happy Holidays.
Now that THAT is out of that way let's dive right into this feast of a mess.

So within the last week I have had sex with 4 guys. WOW.. I know.. 4 guys! first there was Carlos, then Max, then Chris, and then Crackhead Karlos. <--- Gosh that was a mess! haha. The only one I really care about it Chris. Chris I met a week before at my friend Jesus' birthday party and we just connected. Talked for a few hours... exchanged numbers and then went on our way. We hung out on Monday, and then again on Thursday and then Sat night and all of Sunday the following week. He was sweet, caring, thoughtful, good looking, nice body, just an overall good guy. Now granted he does have some things in his life that are, for lack of a better phrase, not what he wants them to be.... he is expecting a child with his ex-girlfriend, but hey.. we all have things like that in our past right?! haha. Anyway. He is Bi and I have never messed with someone who was bi before, so this was new to me and something that was exciting. Here's the issue.. We did not talk for a few days after because his phone service was off until Wednesday. He hit me up when he got his phone back on and I INSTANLTY became excited.... but as the text continued that day I noticed he was very short with his responses and kind of rude. Now granted he did say he was exhausted, but that does nto give you the right to be rude to me. I asked if he wanted to hang out yesterday night and his response was. "No, I have things to do!" umm... why soo cold... what did I do? I know I did not do anything so again.. why soo cold, when a few days ago you were all up under me being sweet and caring.. Now that you have what you want are you not interested even in a friendship, which I thought we made clear that is what we both wanted. I am just confused on the subject. I told myself I will not text or call him this whole weekend and maybe I will hit him up on Monday. We will see. Hopefully he is out of whatever funk he is in and realizes the friend he could have right in front of him. I think I get feelings (emotional and platonic) too fast for people.. I may need to change that.

Then I have Max.. who really wants to be with me... treats me right and seems to be a really great guy.. I met him last week also. He always wants to see what I am about and get to know me. Problem is, I am not interested in him. I think it will be boring and my heart will not be in it. Matter of fact, he is taking ne out on a date tonight and I am terrified by what he may ask.. cuz if he asks to be my Boyfriend tonight.. I will tell him No. I hate hurting people. I really do. Why can't I like the ones who like me genuinely and brush off the ones that are brushing me off also. Sigh.

Then there is Jose.. Everything for the last two months (Oct and Nov) have been well with us.. then all of a sudden he stopped responding to everything I do.. text... call.. anything.. he will read it.. and not respond... Problem is, I bought him a really nice Picture of No Doubt that he has been wanting for a long time that is signed. That was a nice penny, and then I had it framed which cost more then the actual picture itself. I bought him a stocking and I got him a sweater from The haunted Mansion, since that is his fav Disney Attraction and I got him a color changing Mug with Pinocchio on it since that is his fav Disney Movie. I was going to get him all his fav candy and then a couple dvd's he wanted and place then in a stocking and deliver them on Christmas Eve. all wasted. Wasted money and time. Unfortunately I spent almost $1000 on him.... And he's not even my boyfriend. I just really like hanging out with him...but he stopped talking to me.. all because I asked if him and his boyfriend were hanging out all day. I really think he was just LOOKING for any excuse to not talk to me. He thinks I am trying to break him and his boyfriend up but that is not the case. I just like chilling and being around him and wanted to show him how much his friendship meant to me... but I guess it was not the same.. so now I have this picture and all these presents that I can not take back... and I do not know what to do with them. I may hang the pic on my wall but I know he would have enjoyed it more than I will.. but I am not giving it to him.. the week he stopped texting me I text him and called him a combined total of 14 times just to say hello.. if he would have text me once back, I would have given him the gifts, but he did not have enough respect for me to write me back once. I guess time does reveal all.. so I will take a picture of the picture I got him, and send it to him on Christmas eve with the caption, "This has been waiting for you for almost 2 months, but since you don't respond or act like you give a damn about me, this will be hanging on my wall". I think that is good enough. He doesn't need to know how much I sacrificed in order to get his gifts. How I cant even get my family gifts now because that picture came out way more then what I bargained for. How bills are going to be late. How I had to lie and tell people the picture was for me. How I could not eat for days just so that I could pay for gifts. He will never know how much I wanted to see his face light up when he saw his presents. How much I listen to him to where he only has to say things he needs or wants once and I am already trying to figure out how to give them to him. He will never know how much I care about him...
But his actions or lack thereof spoke volumes about how much he cared about me and the friendship.

LESSON LEARNED.

I do not value myself as I should, and I need to change that. I REFUSE to put myself in the same situation with Chris that I did with Jose. I am already seeing some signs in Chris that remind me of Jose and I do not like it...I do not want to be a closed off bitter silent dull low person. That's not who I am...but these situations are making it hard to be myself. Cuz myself always cares too quick, loves too much, hugs too much, wants the best for people, and tries too hard for people.

I don't know.. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.

Too Much.

i just would like to go on a date with some i like... hold their hand... rub their leg... look into their eyes and know what they are thinking.. laugh.. giggle.. be cute with each other... be spontaneous and just have a good time. i'm really starting to think that is too much to ask for me...

If... Then Maybe

If I bulk up… then I will be more desirable,

If I’m more desirable, then I will get hit on more,

If I get Hit on more, then my self confidence will go up

If I get more Self Confidence, then maybe, just maybe, I will get the type of man I want to look my way,

If I get the type of man I want to look my way, then maybe we can be in a relationship,

If we get in a relationship, then maybe it will last for years,

If it lasts for years, then maybe he will be my soul mate,

If he is my soul mate.. maybe then I won’t feel Lonely,

If I don’t feel lonely….maybe I will be forever happy.

So if I bulk up… the end results will be me being Forever happy…

That’s how this thing works right?

So… I think it’s time for me to go to the gym.

Jack'd, OkCupid, Datehookup, etc..etc...

I can't take joining another dating website... It's just more of a constant reminder of how unwanted I am.

Always Dissapointed.

Sigh... I'm always disappointed when it comes to Jose. I hate how he makes me soo happy when I'm with him...and soo dissapointed when I'm not. Meaning he always puts me on the back burner. I say I'll never be put there again... but I always get placed right back in the back. I don't know how to break this cycle. My heart is tired of hurting... when will it be my hearts turn for happiness? :-/

HEY Batter Batter Batter! SWING Batter Batter Batter!!!

Swing and a Miss... Swing and a Miss...Swing and a Clip...It rises behind me.. but is caught by the catcher... So i take a back seat.... regroup my thoughts... tell myself next time will be the one.... then I wait..and wait.. and wait... and then i'm up to bat again...
I step up to the plate.... i'm Focused... studied my playing field.. i know where to hit and i feel i got this... The ball is thrown, i see it coming... (oh I know i got this!)...i Swing... i Hit it!!!! i feel like it's going somewhere.... i see it's going to be a homerun...i get excited. I start running toward first base..."this is it. ... this is the one"...I'm feeling good. .. I'm feeling confidant..only for it to be caught at the last second... caught by someone else... symbolizing i'm out... So I walk back to the dug out...Head held a little lower... more broken... & more confused.

And I Wait.

Love...swept from right under me.. i feel i found it.. sometimes i'm even thought to believe it's reciprocated back.....for a little while... until something "better" comes along, Until their "ex" comes along (caught by someone else), until they wake up one day and out of the blue realize they are no longer interested in me (Caught by the catcher)...It happens time and time again.. and they all give the same reason.. either no reason and just dissapear, or they say.. i'm not ready...or I need time by myself.. and the next week they are back with their ex...or someone else.

I just can't win. I study, i watch, i adjust, and i still.. can't... win... Not even once....

I would like to at least once, be able to go around the bases without a fear of something going wrong... be able to stroll, take my time, and enjoy the benefits of hitting each base...1st...2nd..3rd.. Home...But instead, i'm stopped even before i get halfway to 1st base.

So I watch, and wait, watching every inning of my life pass before my eyes, thinking... "maybe this innings i'll hit a home run" but in reality going back to the plate more defeated each time...which makes me not even want to swing....Moving closer and closer into home plate so i can at least get hit with the ball... Yea there will be pain.. but at least i'll get to 1st base.

It will be the furthest i've ever been.

Love....I don't understand why I keep striking out with you?

Is it Going to be Worth It?

What is my life right now and everything I've gone and are currently going through preparing me for?!

Why Go to College?!

Why get a college degree if you can't get a job and you see people without a College Education living the lavish life and making WAY more than you?! PLEASE Help Me Understand That!

The Struggle # 3

Liking Someone who at the end of the day does not care or like you back....

The Struggle is Real.

The Struggle # 2

Running out of Clean Underwear because you can't afford to wash your clothes, forcing you to wear Pajama Pants as Underwear. 3 more pairs of pajamas are all I have left. Sigh.. The Struggle is Real!

The Struggle #1

Having Free Coffee as Breakfast because you can't afford anything else...

The Struggle is real.

Wrong Guy.

Hands Sweaty...Arm Pits starting to slighty hurt and perspire...stomach hurting and it feels like I have to poop because of the butterflies in my stomach... Could this mean I REALLY like someone...I'm nervous, excited, and turned on....all for one guy.. everytime we talk I start to get butterflies and feel sick...I've never felt something like this before.... i wanna hang out with him soo much...just hold his hand.. rub his feet, be there for him.. lay next to him.... be his confidant.. his soldier, his lover, his everything...I want to enjoy... HIM.... but.... these feelings are being wasted.... because I know that will never happen... The Feelings are not mutual....so... all of this....all on the wrong guy. :-(

Someone For Me!

When am I going to find someone for me... i often times wonder this question... at One point i just wanted ANYONE to be into me... now that some people have been feeling me... i HAVE LEARNED THAT I CAN NOT JUST HAVE anyone like me... BUT I HAVE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THEM ALSO. Whether it be physically or mentally the attraction has to be there.

i really wonder where the guy of my dreams is at... DOES he even exist.. am i putting too much into this dream guy of mine that i am eliminating every guy on this planet with my expectations?

When am I going to stop cheapening myself by being ok with being a secret or on the back burner with someone. Why am i ok with that now... Have i gotten to the point of being so low on the love gauge that i will take any and everything that is given to me with an accepting attitude.

The silent screams are getting louder... But what am I screaming for if i never change my environment to get what i want.

I change what i am doing to get what i want... meaning going out more and chilling with more people and a good friend of mine says she is concerned with me being a whore and me partying too much.. Shoot i did not do it when i was 20,21,22,23,24,25, and 26 so i might as well get it out of my system now. HAHA... but i can see what she has concerns about.... and i appreciate it :-)

when will i put into practice what i have learned... i am not sure.. I am getting tired.... of everything regarding love.. maybe its not out there for me.. i STILL HAVE HOPE...but sometimes its easier to just think no one is going to satisfy your love requirements.

Good Night.

Fairy Tales

I can remember stories,

Those things my mother said.

She told me fairy tales before I went to bed.

She spoke of a happy ending, then tucked me in real tight.

She turned my light night on, and kissed my face goodnight.

My mind was filled with the visions, of perfect paradise.

She told me everything, she said he'd be so nice.

He'd ride up on his horse and, take me away one night.

I'd be soo happy with him, we'd ride clean out of sight.

She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie.

She never said that maybe, someday he'd say Goodbye.




The story ends, as stories do,

Reality steps into view....

No longer living life in paradise...

Or fairy tales.





Fairy Tales. Anita Baker.

Who would have known.. reality can be soo much different than fairy tales!

Need Some.

I need some dick...... bad! Haha.

Dead Ends

Its taken me 10 years (I would say 27 years... but I have not been relationship minded since birth) to realize that i do not want to be a "side man" or a "call whenever YOU want to" type of guy. I would LOVE to be someone's main dish.. someone Go to guy for Anything. It's been a long road for me to realize that. Now I am not saying hook ups for me are over... We all have our quick needs.. but i am wanting something more. Something more with a lot of excitement and discovery. I look at all my friends in relationships and I see them doing little cute things with their boyfriends and i can't help but want the same thing.. eventually..

I want it when the time is right.. I do not want to force a relationship... but I do not want to wait forever.

I always tend to get into things where I am the side piece, NO MORE IN 2014. hahaha. It's time I Demand Worth, and not de-value myself with all these people who do not really want me to begin with.

That's going to be the hard part.. is figuring out who really wants to be with me, and who just is having me there whenever they get lonely.

Good things come to those who wait... Good things come to those who wait.. That's what I have to keep telling myself until He comes.

Until then.. no more getting myself into situations that I KNOW are dead ends.

Peace :-)

2014

HAPPY 2014!!!!!!!

:-)

I wish I could stay home and have sex all day!!! Wouldn't that be AWESOME! hahaha

Here's to 2014! LET'S ENJOY IT! :-D