Off My Chest.

Hey! So I am back just to vent a little bit about some thing that are on my mind. First off.. Happy Holidays.
Now that THAT is out of that way let's dive right into this feast of a mess.

So within the last week I have had sex with 4 guys. WOW.. I know.. 4 guys! first there was Carlos, then Max, then Chris, and then Crackhead Karlos. <--- Gosh that was a mess! haha. The only one I really care about it Chris. Chris I met a week before at my friend Jesus' birthday party and we just connected. Talked for a few hours... exchanged numbers and then went on our way. We hung out on Monday, and then again on Thursday and then Sat night and all of Sunday the following week. He was sweet, caring, thoughtful, good looking, nice body, just an overall good guy. Now granted he does have some things in his life that are, for lack of a better phrase, not what he wants them to be.... he is expecting a child with his ex-girlfriend, but hey.. we all have things like that in our past right?! haha. Anyway. He is Bi and I have never messed with someone who was bi before, so this was new to me and something that was exciting. Here's the issue.. We did not talk for a few days after because his phone service was off until Wednesday. He hit me up when he got his phone back on and I INSTANLTY became excited.... but as the text continued that day I noticed he was very short with his responses and kind of rude. Now granted he did say he was exhausted, but that does nto give you the right to be rude to me. I asked if he wanted to hang out yesterday night and his response was. "No, I have things to do!" umm... why soo cold... what did I do? I know I did not do anything so again.. why soo cold, when a few days ago you were all up under me being sweet and caring.. Now that you have what you want are you not interested even in a friendship, which I thought we made clear that is what we both wanted. I am just confused on the subject. I told myself I will not text or call him this whole weekend and maybe I will hit him up on Monday. We will see. Hopefully he is out of whatever funk he is in and realizes the friend he could have right in front of him. I think I get feelings (emotional and platonic) too fast for people.. I may need to change that.

Then I have Max.. who really wants to be with me... treats me right and seems to be a really great guy.. I met him last week also. He always wants to see what I am about and get to know me. Problem is, I am not interested in him. I think it will be boring and my heart will not be in it. Matter of fact, he is taking ne out on a date tonight and I am terrified by what he may ask.. cuz if he asks to be my Boyfriend tonight.. I will tell him No. I hate hurting people. I really do. Why can't I like the ones who like me genuinely and brush off the ones that are brushing me off also. Sigh.

Then there is Jose.. Everything for the last two months (Oct and Nov) have been well with us.. then all of a sudden he stopped responding to everything I do.. text... call.. anything.. he will read it.. and not respond... Problem is, I bought him a really nice Picture of No Doubt that he has been wanting for a long time that is signed. That was a nice penny, and then I had it framed which cost more then the actual picture itself. I bought him a stocking and I got him a sweater from The haunted Mansion, since that is his fav Disney Attraction and I got him a color changing Mug with Pinocchio on it since that is his fav Disney Movie. I was going to get him all his fav candy and then a couple dvd's he wanted and place then in a stocking and deliver them on Christmas Eve. all wasted. Wasted money and time. Unfortunately I spent almost $1000 on him.... And he's not even my boyfriend. I just really like hanging out with him...but he stopped talking to me.. all because I asked if him and his boyfriend were hanging out all day. I really think he was just LOOKING for any excuse to not talk to me. He thinks I am trying to break him and his boyfriend up but that is not the case. I just like chilling and being around him and wanted to show him how much his friendship meant to me... but I guess it was not the same.. so now I have this picture and all these presents that I can not take back... and I do not know what to do with them. I may hang the pic on my wall but I know he would have enjoyed it more than I will.. but I am not giving it to him.. the week he stopped texting me I text him and called him a combined total of 14 times just to say hello.. if he would have text me once back, I would have given him the gifts, but he did not have enough respect for me to write me back once. I guess time does reveal all.. so I will take a picture of the picture I got him, and send it to him on Christmas eve with the caption, "This has been waiting for you for almost 2 months, but since you don't respond or act like you give a damn about me, this will be hanging on my wall". I think that is good enough. He doesn't need to know how much I sacrificed in order to get his gifts. How I cant even get my family gifts now because that picture came out way more then what I bargained for. How bills are going to be late. How I had to lie and tell people the picture was for me. How I could not eat for days just so that I could pay for gifts. He will never know how much I wanted to see his face light up when he saw his presents. How much I listen to him to where he only has to say things he needs or wants once and I am already trying to figure out how to give them to him. He will never know how much I care about him...
But his actions or lack thereof spoke volumes about how much he cared about me and the friendship.

LESSON LEARNED.

I do not value myself as I should, and I need to change that. I REFUSE to put myself in the same situation with Chris that I did with Jose. I am already seeing some signs in Chris that remind me of Jose and I do not like it...I do not want to be a closed off bitter silent dull low person. That's not who I am...but these situations are making it hard to be myself. Cuz myself always cares too quick, loves too much, hugs too much, wants the best for people, and tries too hard for people.

I don't know.. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.