I Find Myself.

The More I Search for Me and who I am.. the deeper i go into where i do not want to be... The more Lost i feel.. The more hopeless and Used I feel...

Nothing seems to be going the way I would like for it to go..
And the more I try to figure out why, the more I find myself lost, dazed, and confused...

This is NOT what being 25 is suppose to be..

I see my friends and others LIVING their Lives.. Having a good time.. Enjoying things.. Knowing who they are..
While I am stuck. With what seems like nowhere to turn.

Alone, In the dark.

Because of this feeling I Find myself doing STUPID things (Ex.. Having sex with a random guy I just met Bareback!!!!) I have NEVER done that before... And now I am scared, NO TERRIFIED I might have something... :-( (PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET ME HAVE SOMETHING)

I think I am physcially making myself sick from stressing on if I have something or not... :-/

I am stressing myself out and This is Not the kind of life I want to live!!!

Am I trying to Feel a void in my life? And if so, what is it..

Why am I in this place and state of emotions that I am in.

I can't suck it up because it's something that is bothering me..
It's weighing down on me Physically also.. I am more tired..My back hurts.. I dont want to get out of bed in the morning.. It's hard for me to fall asleep at night...
I can't keep living like this..

But I am scared because the more I try to change things.. the Worse it seems to get for Me.. Emotionally.. Physically.. Mentally.

My Hormones are all jacked up also because I want to Have sex soo bad!!!!!!! But then at the same time I don't...

I believe I am scared to have an emotional connection with someone because of how hurt and damaged I became last time I let myself get close to someone.

Because of this I find myself on Craigslist Looking at the personals More and More trying to engage in those DANGEROUS acts.. You dont know what you are getting yourself into when it comes to those personals... I am starting to feel desperate.. Lonely. confused..and just looking for ANYTHING to feel good and have some sort of acceptance.. that someone wants me... I even thought today of even putting a personal on there myself.. And THAT right there is when i knew i was at a low. So Desperate.

I want a relationship soo bad.. but then I am deatly terrified of them...
I'm Afraid of Myself..

Why am i Sooo Desperate for something i am SOO afraid of?!

I find myself constantly checking my phone HOPING that someone sent me a text message.. Hoping that it is someone that I like.. Hoping they would like me back.. Just hoping.. Wishing... Praying.... for JUST ONE... just one. (Sigh)

There are days when I feel if I was not here in this world that things would be better... Or that no one would be affected by it.

It's Like I am not in existance.

How can you meet soo many people.. and not ONE person you are interested in is interested in you back?! Not.. A.. Single.. One...


I just Hate putting in SOO much effort and feeling like i am getting nothing back.. or rejected.. or embarrassed.. or getting something I KNOW I don't deserve.. or seeing someone who worked WAY less or did not try as hard get the rewards while I am left with... Nothing... or the emotional heartbreak.. The tiresome Banter of thoughts.. The physical pain of the burdens that haunt me everyday -->(Will I ever be happy? Will I ever find the one for me? Why is EVERYTHING taking so long? Why can I not be where I want and feel I need to be right now? What is Wrong with me?)

Why can't people see the kind of Guy i am... Or maybe they are REALLY seeing the kind of guy I am and I AM THE ONE not seeing what they are seeing.

I feel stuck... I feel trapped... Trapped in my own mind. Trapped in something that I do not want to be in...

I'm Changing.. and I am not sure if I like who I am becoming.

I want to be happy, full of life, and just the plain Ol' Darrick that once was...

Every year gets tougher and tougher.. The mental games I play with myself get harder and harder...

I have not been happy for YEARS! I guess it's just all catching up and coming to the surface right now. Showing a different face of itself.. Something I have never seen before.. Something I don not want to see again.

A New Beast I need to conquer...

I can not do it alone.

God I need you.. Cuz I know I am not the Person You want me to be...

I cant do this anymore.