Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!! :-)

Somethings Gotta Change.

Imma start off by saying... HELLO TO ALL MY READERS... (THE 3 OF YOU THAT FOLLOW ME!!) haha... I am sorry for being M.I.A. these past couple of months but i just have not felt like writing. I've gone through some things that I will get into a little bit later.. But for right now i just wanted to say What UP!!!!! :-)

Now that THAT is out of the way let's get into the meat and potatos of this blog. First of all i really do not know what I want to write about since soo many little things have happened that I can not remember all of them individually. I always say i should write about whatever happened but i dont have the energy at the end of the day.

Mainly from my job! My job is soo Boring and just seems like a waste of time for me. I spend sometimes two hours to get here... fall asleep about 50 times a day, and then after work drive either to the gym, or drive 2 more hours home!!!!! IT'S DRAINING, and i do not want to be doing this for a long time. WORKERS COMP is not for me!

Now I Know having a job is better then not, but when you are miserable doing your job, is it really that much worse then not having a job. I feel like I am sacrificing my happiness for a paycheck... and slowly becoming someone I do not want to be because i am not happy where i work.

I am Trying to Move to New York in the near future and when i go there i want to be doing something that I love. Something that I would want to wake up for and enjoy doing. I am trying to find that job... but i am not even sure where to begin looking. I feel like i sm 13 all over again not knowing who I am. I feel lost in a sea of people succeeding around me, but with me feeling and believing i will never succeed.

I am trying to get back into dancing because that is where i feel I NEED to be. I miss it soo much. I just feel like dancing always hates me. (More on that on another date)

I just want to find something that I am good at. Something i can excel at! Is it wrong that i want people to look up to me because of a skill I have??? I know that i am destined for something bigger and greater then where i am at right now!!!! I just dont know what. Everything i try i fail at...

If at first you don't succeed.. Dust yourself off and try again right? I'm trying.. but everytime i don't succeed, it gets harder and harder for me to dust myself off and truly try again.

Now onto Love.

This is the hardest to deal with because i REALLY dont know what i am doing. I try one way of going about it, it blows up in my face, i try another.. that way blows up in my face.. and I end up with the same results.. Alone. Lonely. More Hurt, and findng myself feeling desperate. In this last situation I THOUGHT everything was going good.. I was actually looking forward to taking things to the next level and maybe getting my first real boyfriend, but... i guess he lost interest and just left me in the waiting zone. The "Let's wait until things are better to try to be in a relationship" way of thinking will not get both of us anywhere.. It's never going to be completely convenient for both parties, But I know both parties will benefit from the experience.

I really liked him...

I guess I was not good enough.

I'm never good enough.

I'm 26 (By the way.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, I missed my usual annual post on my birthday) Never had a boyfriend, always told to wait or just completelty looked over, and in the aftermath just left feeling empty. I don't want to be desperate... I don't want to just settle for anything. I don't want to be waiting, I don't want to be on the backburner...

hmm....

Nothing in my life is the way i would like for it to be... Its slowly tearing me down, Making me feel like i am nothing.. I am losing the strength and the will to keep fighting for what I know I deserve. In all aspects of my life i feel like i am a failure. I have a job (hate it), i am not dancing, i am without someone to Love, and i feel stuck.

Somethings HAS GOT TO CHANGE.

I guess starting with my attitude... so come very very soon I am really going to try to start taking dance classes and just get my mind right. I want to find a new job, not focus soo much on Love and just focus on making myself better.

(Sigh)... Somethings gotta change. It really needs to.

Back burner.

I seem to be the majority of the worlds Last resort when it comes to everything... I am always put on the back burner... or am forgotten about. You would think at the age of 25 one would be noticed or respected enough from people that they would not do this to me... But... that is not the case...

The stupid thing, or the thing that makes me dumb is the fact that I always forgive and give them chance after chance after chance and they do the exact same thing over and over and over again... Leaving me feeling dumb, stupid, and worthless...

It's time I do something about that... But.....

I just dont know what...

I'm lost and confused....

Anniversary.

I don't know if you will ever read this but.... Happy 5 year Anniversary to you and your boo. May you both continue to love each other and be happy for many more years to come.

Happy Birthday Whitney Houston!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!!! Man I LOVED her SOO much!!!! It really hurt when she left this Earth.. But I am soo glad her music will live on FOREVER!!!!!

SAY MY NAME!

Umm.. I just realized I do NOT like a guy saying my name when I am having sex with him...Or when he is playing with himself and saying my name in ecstasy and pleasure..... It's not a turn on to me.. and TRICK I KNOW MY NAME! ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO SAY MY NAME A LOT TO REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE WITH?!!?!?! and if that is the case, then... ummmm.... we have a Bigger Problem! HAHAHA

Just a random tidbit of Info! HAHAHA

An Addiction.

So... i have found myself once again using craigslist to try to get off and meet some people...

Not a good look... Where and WHEN did i fall into this sort of desperation...

I'm soo upset at myself every time i go on there and look at personals..

Because all it does is leave me depressed and upset at myself.

Making me feel even more unwanted and just overall sad and bad for myself.

Now please forgive me for what i am about to say if this applies to you,

But now i know how it feels when someone who is overweight cries everytime they over eat

and they feel horrible and bad even while doing it..

But they keep on doing it.

I feel the same way..

I feel soo bad when i am on it but i cant seem to stay away from it...

I have never posted a ad on there.. but i have responded...

and 98% of them do not respond. or if they do.. they are not interested in me.

I find myself on CL hitting the refresh button every 2 minutes or even less just looking for someone to be into me.. touch me, get off with me.. SOMETHING.. but i end up nowhere.. and feeling horrible...

I have sank soo low that i am now trying to whore myself out to anyone that will take me..

Am i that lonely where i have to resort to that...

I guess so..

I just want to feel loved.. a wanting touch.. and kiss.. a hug.. ...

Something..

Anything..

But I gotta stop...

It's My Addiction..

an Addiction that will do nothing more then Destroy me...

I sound like a broken record i know.

But i just want someone to hold me and really want to.

i'm trying to focus on myself lately but the more i try to focus on me.. the stronger that hunger for love gets..

Which makes me just want to whore myself out there and really not give a foof..

But i cant even do that.. cuz NO ONE wants me...

Nothing i can do.

I know i'm a good catch.. but no one sees that...

Enough of this pity party..


I'm sorry..