Stupid Love

I Feel Stupid for going to craigslist and trying to find love..
Even though i know it is fake...
I feel even More dumb for replying to people.. and getting nothing back in return...
And even MORE stupid for letting it get to me when we do decide to meet.. and then when the time comes near they stop responding to my texts and calls...

I just feel overall dumb for All of it..

What am I looking for?! Why have I put myself here?!

Does it say "Ignore Darrick" on my forehead?!

I guess i am just longing for human physical interaction...
Kissing.. Holding.. Cuddling.. Grinding.. All of that..
So i'm looking for anyone to fill the void...

:-(

This is someplace i NEVER thought i would be.

LOVE.... You're NEVER on my side...
Not even FAKE LOVE is on my side...

I can't do anything but sit and be by myself..

I try to be patient and wait for love to come naturally.. but it has not come...

And then i try to just get love where i can.. but that is not even coming either....

I don't know what to do....

I feel like I am going to Die alone... With never having experienced real Love....

I guess my tears are the only thing that's reliable in these situations.

PLEASE LORD!

(Sigh)

I think I have made the biggest mistake of my life...

I am soo scared...

I want to cry... I really really do! It's keeping me up at night.. I don't want ot eat. drink.. do ANYTHING but lie here and cry...

Why was i So DUMB..

The one time i step out and this is a possibility?!?!?!?!

Please, If you are reading this.. Pray for me! and Pray that I make it through this unchanged!

(Sigh)

I Find Myself.

The More I Search for Me and who I am.. the deeper i go into where i do not want to be... The more Lost i feel.. The more hopeless and Used I feel...

Nothing seems to be going the way I would like for it to go..
And the more I try to figure out why, the more I find myself lost, dazed, and confused...

This is NOT what being 25 is suppose to be..

I see my friends and others LIVING their Lives.. Having a good time.. Enjoying things.. Knowing who they are..
While I am stuck. With what seems like nowhere to turn.

Alone, In the dark.

Because of this feeling I Find myself doing STUPID things (Ex.. Having sex with a random guy I just met Bareback!!!!) I have NEVER done that before... And now I am scared, NO TERRIFIED I might have something... :-( (PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET ME HAVE SOMETHING)

I think I am physcially making myself sick from stressing on if I have something or not... :-/

I am stressing myself out and This is Not the kind of life I want to live!!!

Am I trying to Feel a void in my life? And if so, what is it..

Why am I in this place and state of emotions that I am in.

I can't suck it up because it's something that is bothering me..
It's weighing down on me Physically also.. I am more tired..My back hurts.. I dont want to get out of bed in the morning.. It's hard for me to fall asleep at night...
I can't keep living like this..

But I am scared because the more I try to change things.. the Worse it seems to get for Me.. Emotionally.. Physically.. Mentally.

My Hormones are all jacked up also because I want to Have sex soo bad!!!!!!! But then at the same time I don't...

I believe I am scared to have an emotional connection with someone because of how hurt and damaged I became last time I let myself get close to someone.

Because of this I find myself on Craigslist Looking at the personals More and More trying to engage in those DANGEROUS acts.. You dont know what you are getting yourself into when it comes to those personals... I am starting to feel desperate.. Lonely. confused..and just looking for ANYTHING to feel good and have some sort of acceptance.. that someone wants me... I even thought today of even putting a personal on there myself.. And THAT right there is when i knew i was at a low. So Desperate.

I want a relationship soo bad.. but then I am deatly terrified of them...
I'm Afraid of Myself..

Why am i Sooo Desperate for something i am SOO afraid of?!

I find myself constantly checking my phone HOPING that someone sent me a text message.. Hoping that it is someone that I like.. Hoping they would like me back.. Just hoping.. Wishing... Praying.... for JUST ONE... just one. (Sigh)

There are days when I feel if I was not here in this world that things would be better... Or that no one would be affected by it.

It's Like I am not in existance.

How can you meet soo many people.. and not ONE person you are interested in is interested in you back?! Not.. A.. Single.. One...


I just Hate putting in SOO much effort and feeling like i am getting nothing back.. or rejected.. or embarrassed.. or getting something I KNOW I don't deserve.. or seeing someone who worked WAY less or did not try as hard get the rewards while I am left with... Nothing... or the emotional heartbreak.. The tiresome Banter of thoughts.. The physical pain of the burdens that haunt me everyday -->(Will I ever be happy? Will I ever find the one for me? Why is EVERYTHING taking so long? Why can I not be where I want and feel I need to be right now? What is Wrong with me?)

Why can't people see the kind of Guy i am... Or maybe they are REALLY seeing the kind of guy I am and I AM THE ONE not seeing what they are seeing.

I feel stuck... I feel trapped... Trapped in my own mind. Trapped in something that I do not want to be in...

I'm Changing.. and I am not sure if I like who I am becoming.

I want to be happy, full of life, and just the plain Ol' Darrick that once was...

Every year gets tougher and tougher.. The mental games I play with myself get harder and harder...

I have not been happy for YEARS! I guess it's just all catching up and coming to the surface right now. Showing a different face of itself.. Something I have never seen before.. Something I don not want to see again.

A New Beast I need to conquer...

I can not do it alone.

God I need you.. Cuz I know I am not the Person You want me to be...

I cant do this anymore.

Looking.

I'm Looking for something.. I don't know what... But i am looking...

Take My Breath Away....

....by Berlin is a song that is on constant repeat for today.

I have always loved this song but for some reason today I am REALLY feeling the strings and everything that this song stands for..

But anyway. when i started this particular entry i had something to say.. But now i forgot.. HAHAHA..

Well I took off work today because i was not feeling well this morning.. Thank Goodness i feel better now! I HATE losing money! I wish there was a way i could make up and get that money back... But i guess my body was telling me i needed to chill for a day... cuz without a healthy body you can not do a lot .. right...

This quest for Love has led to a dead end of the tunnel... It seems like it has been at a dead end for years now... And even when i get my Hammer and try to chip at the end of the tunnel.. I still see no ray of light to guide me in the right direction. I'm getting older.. and the view of me REALLY being alone comes across my mind more and more frequently.. I know I sound like a REALLY BAD BROKEN RECORD.. but man.. Does it take going to Craigslist to try and find someone?!

I really HOPE NOT! Cuz that is Not cute at all...

But then again... Do i even want a relationship.. I mean.. I have been alone all these years.. Do I REALLY need someone there for me...

Maybe I need to Take my Own breath Away....

HAHAHA...

OH NO... THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE!!!! That sounds like i am going to kill myself... NEVER THAT! I LOVE LIFE TOO MUCH.

But I can't help but think there is a reason why i have been alone all these years, or why things never seem to even get passed stage 1 in any sort of possible potential boyfriend.

Ok I'm sick of always coming on here RANTING about Love.. I'm tired of writing it.. So i know y'all are tired of reading it. But i guess that was what the foundation of this blog was started on, so I guess this is my Quest for LOVE blog.. cuz i have other blogs, but this one always seems to come back to love.. whatever i talk about, LOVE always gets thrown in there...

I'll Meet him one day.. or maybe i already met him.. DANGIT IF THATS THE CASE IMMA BE PISSED!!!! "HE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO" (Said as ricky ricardo would say it!) hahaha.. or Maybe he has waited longer for me... I don't know.....

I just need something to go right in my life... Have and serve a purpose. A positive purpose.... Because my job is starting to wear on me negatively... And thats all i have right now.. Is my job...

Ok.. I know this probably doesn't make any sense.. But it's how i am feeling...

Well Y'all have an Awesome Day and I will get at y'all Later.

Peace.

"So Maybe I'll Be here... Maybe I'll see you Around.... That's the way it goes.... Almost Doesn't Count." Brandy -Almost Doesn't Count

I have had that song on my mind all day...

This past weekend wasd a realyl busy but good one for me. Lets start with Thursday

5/10/12

This day was really good for me because I got to see a really good friend of mine graduate and get his MASTERS from college! I am soooo Proud of You Jamal!!!! He has worked soo hard to get where eh is at and i love and appreciate him for that!
It got me really thinking about where i wan tto go to get my Masters.. The sad part about it is that if i would have not stopped my education, I would have graduated this year also with a MASTERS! Man.. That would have been awesome! But i did need a break.. I needed to see what was out there in the world and not always be in a book studying for a test. So I dont really regret my decision..
But i do need to figure out where i am going to go for school... Ca or NY... Ca or NY...??? CA...or NY.....?!?!?!?!?! The decision needs to happen QUICK! I'm just waiting for something to Pop off for me in either place fo rme to know where i need and should go.

Friday.
5/11/12

UGH I did not feel like going to work this day.. Matter of fact.. I dont really feel like coming to work ever.. I guess that is the workforce for you.. I know there is something better out there fo rme.. i just have to find it.. ANYWAY..
I had a meeting for this company named amway after work and it was good. Learned a lot, and am hungry to learn more and really get into this business! Got my Side hustle On!!! EVERYDAY I'M HUSTLING!!!! hahahahaha
This was also the day of my friend Kensley's 22nd birthday celebreation.
He held it at this spot in La. i forgot what it was called.. But it was nice..
I had about 4 drinks in about 40 minutes so i was feeling it real quick! HAHAH... I did nto know any of his friends so i was basically there by myself.. it was alright though.. I am glad he had a good time! :-)
I came outside the bar and saw that i had a parking ticket on my car..so I will need to pay that real soon.. it's ok...
I decided to drive but did not get far and i called my friend to see if i could "crach" at his place.... He said yea so i went over there.. I had a good time over there as Well! ;-) He had to go to work at 730, and i was feeling normal by that time so I decided to go home. But i did not even sleep.

Saturday
5/12/12

As i was going home i noticed that my Maintenence Required light was on so I decided to go get that checked out.. Dropped my car off and went home..talked to my mom, and then the service people called and told me my car was ready!!! IT WAS THE FASTEST SERVICE EVER!!!!! So I picked up my car and then went home, took a shower and then headed to work out!

My friend who works out with me moved to El Monte recently so It was my first time going to his house.. His house is NICE!!!!!!!

After working out I had another meeting with Amyway but this time i took my friend Marsha with me! :-) She liked the presentation.. I did not think we would be there soo long though.. we were there for like 3 hours!!!!

We decided to go to Universal City walk after since she said she had not been there in a long time. We ate that this place named SAMBA! it's a Brazillian eatery. It is REALLY GOOD! They just keep bringing you food.. MORE MEAT AND MORE MEAT! Its an all you can eat MEAT BAR!!!! hahah.. we was DEEPTHROATING THAT MEAT!!! haha.. they had some bomb SAMBA dancers also as entertainment.. I went up there and danced with one! :-D. i had a good time.. Only thing is that it is expensive.. It was only two of us and we spent over $100. So it will be some place that I will go to only when i am BALLING! hahaha..

So i got home at around 2 o clock in the morning because after i dropped off Marsha i had to go and visit my Gym friend again because i needed to give him Something ;-) HAHAH (WHERE IS YOUR MIND?!) haha I had to give him some money. hahah..
Ohh.. BACKTRACK!!!!

After i finished working out I got lost because the entrance to go WEST on the ten Freeway is not in the same area as the exits. (does that make sense?)Anyway I ended up passing Ol' Boys Andrews house in El Monte... the funny thing is my gym friend (Tony) lives right around the corner from his (Andrews) mom's home.. Now i am not sure if his mom even lives there anymore, but it brought back all those memories and aside from all the bull, it brought back the laughs and just the companionship,and great talks, and the connection as friends, even though it was brief, that we had.... and i was like dang.. I was a little nervous when i realized I was about to pass his casa because i would think he would be there because it was the weekend of Mothers day.. so I would think he would be visiting his mom. As i passed i told myself.. Darrrick, dude... Dont even Trip over anything.. That was SOO long ago... Its about that time you 500% let it go! He is not your friend... Let it go Darrick.. Let Him Go.

His car (that I remember him having) was not there so It made things smoother... But man.. There are days where i just want to say Hello to him... I miss him.. Even after everything.. I miss the dude and the friendship we had.

Anyway Enough about him...

Sunday
05/13/12

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!!!!

I woke up at around 1145 and my family had reservations in Orange at 1.. I still needed to get the presents for mothers day so I went to Sephora.. (Gosh I love that store) and got gifts for every female in the family.. Mother or not.. just to say I appreciate them in my life... Now doing this i was 2 HOURS LATE FOR BRUNCH! But my family did not seem to mind! HAHA.. I got them all perfumes that I think they would have liked... Hopefully they do! HAHAH..

But yea that was my weekend...

Pretty good with some unexpected twists and turns (literally) but I found the right paths....

I will save what happened this morning for the next post!

Alrighty then.. Gotta Go.. See y'all later..

Craigslist

Was on Craigslist looking at personals last night...and I would be soo scared to answer oreven put one of those things up. The people who do.. GOT MAJOR BALLS, cuz I couldn't. They are bold also! Like WOW!!!!! I don't think Craigslist is for me. Haha