Many Times I feel if I was born a female.. most of my internal struggles would be gone... It's not as easy as people think it is. No more hurting.. no more crying.. no more thinking there no chance for you... Everything would be good.. My liking of Men would be OK and excepted.. I would not have to answer question of "Are you Gay?" like i am some sort of hidden mutant people are curious about? Every friend i make i have to eventually answer that question.. Being a girl would have made all that go away.. I don't think i would evern think about things that are gay.. Yearning for a man's kiss, touch, his lips, his hands, his chest down to his Balls would be an ok thing for me to think about.. Matter of fact.. it would be encouraged!!!! Me Being a man though, the simple question of me liking other men sends potential friends running away... Do i have a plague.. am i contagious? Is there something they know, that i don't.. Should i try to run away from myself also? I mean.. maybe even gay men run away from me.. actually.. it's not a maybe.. THEY DO run away from me.. and i don't know why? I beat myself up and try to find different directions to approach the situations but i end up in the same place... Question my existence, Questions of why I am dealing with the pain of really not knowing if someone can truly love me. Watching, wishing, and waiting for...I don't know. :-( and thats the sad thing...
All I know is that at this point in my life.. Being a female.. would eliminate some of my heartache.
But I am going through a change.. I do not know what the change is... I see it though...
I went to church service today (FBC) for the first time in Years..I had a good time.. but for some reason it did not fill what i am missing.. I do not know what i am missing... but it did not fill it...
It's One in the morning... I can't sleep. How did i get like this?! Where do i go from here?! What do I do?! The funny thing about it is that I am not sad.. nor happy.. I am just... there...
I have no Motivation to do anything... maybe its just today... I'll give it a few more days and then i will seek other ways to dealing with Whatever this is!
Peace.
You know Dae, this was a very emotional post and I truly think you are at a point in your life where you want answers to questions that are unanswerable and filling a void is always hard to do. You have to remember that you are an amazing person, put God first and be patient through all your struggles. Lean on Him, worry about nothing, pray about everything. You know if you truly wanted to be a female, you could do it nowadays but I do not think that is the solution to your dilemma. I am always here if you need to talk dear. You will get through this!
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