Somethings Gotta Change.

Imma start off by saying... HELLO TO ALL MY READERS... (THE 3 OF YOU THAT FOLLOW ME!!) haha... I am sorry for being M.I.A. these past couple of months but i just have not felt like writing. I've gone through some things that I will get into a little bit later.. But for right now i just wanted to say What UP!!!!! :-)

Now that THAT is out of the way let's get into the meat and potatos of this blog. First of all i really do not know what I want to write about since soo many little things have happened that I can not remember all of them individually. I always say i should write about whatever happened but i dont have the energy at the end of the day.

Mainly from my job! My job is soo Boring and just seems like a waste of time for me. I spend sometimes two hours to get here... fall asleep about 50 times a day, and then after work drive either to the gym, or drive 2 more hours home!!!!! IT'S DRAINING, and i do not want to be doing this for a long time. WORKERS COMP is not for me!

Now I Know having a job is better then not, but when you are miserable doing your job, is it really that much worse then not having a job. I feel like I am sacrificing my happiness for a paycheck... and slowly becoming someone I do not want to be because i am not happy where i work.

I am Trying to Move to New York in the near future and when i go there i want to be doing something that I love. Something that I would want to wake up for and enjoy doing. I am trying to find that job... but i am not even sure where to begin looking. I feel like i sm 13 all over again not knowing who I am. I feel lost in a sea of people succeeding around me, but with me feeling and believing i will never succeed.

I am trying to get back into dancing because that is where i feel I NEED to be. I miss it soo much. I just feel like dancing always hates me. (More on that on another date)

I just want to find something that I am good at. Something i can excel at! Is it wrong that i want people to look up to me because of a skill I have??? I know that i am destined for something bigger and greater then where i am at right now!!!! I just dont know what. Everything i try i fail at...

If at first you don't succeed.. Dust yourself off and try again right? I'm trying.. but everytime i don't succeed, it gets harder and harder for me to dust myself off and truly try again.

Now onto Love.

This is the hardest to deal with because i REALLY dont know what i am doing. I try one way of going about it, it blows up in my face, i try another.. that way blows up in my face.. and I end up with the same results.. Alone. Lonely. More Hurt, and findng myself feeling desperate. In this last situation I THOUGHT everything was going good.. I was actually looking forward to taking things to the next level and maybe getting my first real boyfriend, but... i guess he lost interest and just left me in the waiting zone. The "Let's wait until things are better to try to be in a relationship" way of thinking will not get both of us anywhere.. It's never going to be completely convenient for both parties, But I know both parties will benefit from the experience.

I really liked him...

I guess I was not good enough.

I'm never good enough.

I'm 26 (By the way.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, I missed my usual annual post on my birthday) Never had a boyfriend, always told to wait or just completelty looked over, and in the aftermath just left feeling empty. I don't want to be desperate... I don't want to just settle for anything. I don't want to be waiting, I don't want to be on the backburner...

hmm....

Nothing in my life is the way i would like for it to be... Its slowly tearing me down, Making me feel like i am nothing.. I am losing the strength and the will to keep fighting for what I know I deserve. In all aspects of my life i feel like i am a failure. I have a job (hate it), i am not dancing, i am without someone to Love, and i feel stuck.

Somethings HAS GOT TO CHANGE.

I guess starting with my attitude... so come very very soon I am really going to try to start taking dance classes and just get my mind right. I want to find a new job, not focus soo much on Love and just focus on making myself better.

(Sigh)... Somethings gotta change. It really needs to.