Tonight would be a good night to sit on the curb with my man and just talk... and think.. and just be.. together..
I have always had a fantasy (No not sexual) of just siting on the curb on a warm summer night's dusk just chillen.. no expectations... no anything.. but just chillen.. maybe talk about ANYTHING... lay and look up into the sky while the sun continues to go down... maybe lay in the front yard with a blanket and just hold hands while the wind blows between our hair...
Yea.. tonight seems like a good night to do just that...As i sit here and think i see that I still envy the people who have what they want in relationships...( I have not talked about relationships on here for a while so i think it is time to revisit... just for a little bit....) When i see couples all over each other and showing each other love i feel a void inside... i feel a little bit of anger.. and i feel a little bit robbed of that feeling... I can't help but recall my past for people (multiple) when i see people that have what i want.... feeling that void getting bigger and bigger every time someone rejects me... or has rejected me... honestly.. it started out in 2006.. when i got my first rejection... i shed one tear.. but moved on... then again in 2007... a major rejection.. but i shed no tears.. but i felt the void getting bigger and i kept the emotions in... nothing in 2008.. but then again in 2009.. and i think that was what made everything come out... it was all the major moments of me opening up to people and all of them turning me down but telling me i am awesome for someone else that just finally broke me.....Broke me.. into millions of pieces.. caused everything to go downward for me.. But.. I am reminded of those things when i see people loving on each other.. how robbed i felt... how used.. how cold i had become.. i hated Love... cuz love Hated me... some days i still feel like no one is out there that is going to be the one for me... but.. all i can do is wait... so I should be patient.. I have learned that good things come to those who wait... well.. I must have something awesome in the works.. or maybe that qoute is a cop out for people who are not going to get anything.. and so they wait and wait and wait.. but get nothing in the end.. and that is NOT how i want to be..
Love... its a love/hate relationships we have...
I see random love in my moms husband being home.. He came home on monday... im not cool with it.. but i think my mom is happy.... its weird and i do not understand it but it is love nonetheless.. can i just have a slice of real love... Please..
all i want is a sample.. that would help ease this pain for now... something real between the both of us.. anyway....
I don't know why i just wrote all of that cuz.. all i wanted to say was...
Tonight seems like a good night to sit on the curb with my man and just talk... and think... and just be... together.. but the problem is.. i don't have one... so back into my fantasy world i go.... as i sit... and think... alone.. with no love of my own...
Darrick, it's been a long while since I wrote to you, but after reading this (yes, every now and then I read these, to see how you're doing, because I do still care), I felt the need to finally talk to you about it again.
ReplyDeleteI see that nowhere in this you ever mentioned the very short (but still good, nonetheless) relationship you had late '09/early '10. I'm not complaining, nor does it really matter to me, to be honest. But in this blog entry, you made it seem like you've never had a relationship or have ever had someone in your life that truly cared about you and loved you with all their heart, and express that love to you. Which is sad, really. That you can't even acknowledge that short-lived experience, or that it ever happened.
I'm over it, have been over it and moved on...the very next day. Every word said, was truly meant. It's always hard to be rejected, I completely agree with you on that. But to turn down an opportunity for love, or to even give it another go at it when all your other options have been taken away from you, that was failure to understand what was (and could have been) an opportunity worth taking.
I have someone in my life now, that makes me happy. Someone that was still in my heart, when I was with you. I had never let him go completely. Yes, there were moments when I had wanted you back, but the truth is, who I truly wanted back was the person who was still in my heart.
Approximately, two days after I told you goodbye, He came back into my life, because I had reached out for him. I had to let you go, in order to move on with him. I do not regret the choice. At first I did, but things have really changed between him and I this past month, that I know I made the right choice.
It's sad to see you continue to struggle with love. But so much of that, has been because of you holding onto something that was never there. That one bit of hope you had, shattered. It was also very selfish, honestly, to know that deep down you fantasized and dreamed that they'd break up so he'd get with you. For you to want someone that you deeply envied, to get heart broken for you to take his man. I'm not being negative, just being honest about it.
Even though we've stopped speaking to each other, doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy. I want you to finally find that person that TRULY makes you happy, NOT someone that fills you up with glamorized fantasies that you become obsessed over, only to allow it to take over your life and cause you to feel depressed or feel that you had no one there to fill that void, when at the time, you did. It's bullshit, and no person deserves to struggle with that.
I wish you the best of luck when it comes to love and romance. Every person deserves that.
- JP
JP...I am soo happy for you... I am glad you moved on and are having a great relationship...the reason I did not mention the relationship in late 09 was because this post was not about that..it was about me just feeling like talkng and just being with someone that I truly care about....not saying that I did not care about ya...but I truly was not mentally available for you in the brief relationship we had. I'm talking about a mutual love between two people..and I was not there with you...but....in regards to the heartbreaks I have had...they all taught me something...but you focused on a paragraph just explaining why I had become cold...but not the fact that I sit and wait and are being patient for he right one.... :-) I am soooooo glad you found the one....you don't understand how happy I am for you....but you seem to focus soo much on the past heartbreak for me and I am really over that...you need to be also......you say you are...but you are not...you blame him for us not working out...get over that man..but think of it like this....if everything had not happened like it did...you would not be with the guy you are with now....so yay...you should thank him...haha.....but yea.. I will find the right one...no worries....just gotta be patient and realize it is not my time...but it will be soon enough....yay.....but thanks for the words..glad you are doing good....peace
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you know who I'm with? Hakim. Yeah, he "tries" (keyword: "tries") to treat me like before. But, it's funny, because he is genuinely afraid of losing me. And that, gives me all the control I need in the relationship. He was (and still is) my first love. I did love you once, but I was not in love with you. What I told you in April, was a way for me to exit. I KNEW what your response was going to be to what I had told you, that's why I said it. :) It gave me a reason... I hit up Hakim two days after. We messed around for a whole month, before finally choosing to commit to one another again.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you may have been lead to believe that I blamed Him for our breakup...when honestly, I had put the blame entirely on you. But that's another story. lol
As for me finding "The One", I've already found him, two years ago. I got him back. But you were right about something, and that is you may have been the rebound guy for me, until I managed to win back my True Love. It's great that you seemed to have realized that he is not the one for you. I see you've woken up. Yay. lol But, believe it or not, I was helping you out with that in more ways than you think. I helped you with that AFTER I stopped talking to you. Throughout May. I'm glad to see that it worked! ;)
I know that you will find Him sooner or later. Here's hoping for the best! Just "Walk Your Thoughts Away" and he'll be right around the corner.
- JP
Haha..thanks.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this I feel the need to speak about things that I have observed from both ends of this conversation.
ReplyDelete1.I find it funny when people try and take credit for things that have nothing to do with them. Contrary to what you may believe you did, you did less than you think. FAR FAR FAR LESS!
2.You say you were never in love but your actions SPEAK FOR THEM-SELF, and i'll leave it at that.
3.Don't get me wrong, I am glad to see that you are happy and finally with someone who wants to be with you and all that you have offer, but lets not pretend, because actions speak louder than words.
I don't mean to sound rude but I felt compelled to speak from an unbiased opinion. I'm glad to see that you have moved on a little and wish the best of luck in your relationship.
JP, after reading the first few lines of the 1st message you wrote, i realized that the rest of what you wrote was not fully true. The fact that you said you don't care, defeats the whole purpose in you writing on this blog. I know you may have felt like you helped and maybe you did (MOSTLY LIKELY DID NOT) but true growth comes from above and within, it may from time to time be influenced by others, but change can only come from yourself, i think you needed to hear that...that's all =]
ReplyDeletebtw shout out to mario: how you dewin!