Too Much.

i just would like to go on a date with some i like... hold their hand... rub their leg... look into their eyes and know what they are thinking.. laugh.. giggle.. be cute with each other... be spontaneous and just have a good time. i'm really starting to think that is too much to ask for me...

If... Then Maybe

If I bulk up… then I will be more desirable,

If I’m more desirable, then I will get hit on more,

If I get Hit on more, then my self confidence will go up

If I get more Self Confidence, then maybe, just maybe, I will get the type of man I want to look my way,

If I get the type of man I want to look my way, then maybe we can be in a relationship,

If we get in a relationship, then maybe it will last for years,

If it lasts for years, then maybe he will be my soul mate,

If he is my soul mate.. maybe then I won’t feel Lonely,

If I don’t feel lonely….maybe I will be forever happy.

So if I bulk up… the end results will be me being Forever happy…

That’s how this thing works right?

So… I think it’s time for me to go to the gym.

Jack'd, OkCupid, Datehookup, etc..etc...

I can't take joining another dating website... It's just more of a constant reminder of how unwanted I am.

Always Dissapointed.

Sigh... I'm always disappointed when it comes to Jose. I hate how he makes me soo happy when I'm with him...and soo dissapointed when I'm not. Meaning he always puts me on the back burner. I say I'll never be put there again... but I always get placed right back in the back. I don't know how to break this cycle. My heart is tired of hurting... when will it be my hearts turn for happiness? :-/

HEY Batter Batter Batter! SWING Batter Batter Batter!!!

Swing and a Miss... Swing and a Miss...Swing and a Clip...It rises behind me.. but is caught by the catcher... So i take a back seat.... regroup my thoughts... tell myself next time will be the one.... then I wait..and wait.. and wait... and then i'm up to bat again...
I step up to the plate.... i'm Focused... studied my playing field.. i know where to hit and i feel i got this... The ball is thrown, i see it coming... (oh I know i got this!)...i Swing... i Hit it!!!! i feel like it's going somewhere.... i see it's going to be a homerun...i get excited. I start running toward first base..."this is it. ... this is the one"...I'm feeling good. .. I'm feeling confidant..only for it to be caught at the last second... caught by someone else... symbolizing i'm out... So I walk back to the dug out...Head held a little lower... more broken... & more confused.

And I Wait.

Love...swept from right under me.. i feel i found it.. sometimes i'm even thought to believe it's reciprocated back.....for a little while... until something "better" comes along, Until their "ex" comes along (caught by someone else), until they wake up one day and out of the blue realize they are no longer interested in me (Caught by the catcher)...It happens time and time again.. and they all give the same reason.. either no reason and just dissapear, or they say.. i'm not ready...or I need time by myself.. and the next week they are back with their ex...or someone else.

I just can't win. I study, i watch, i adjust, and i still.. can't... win... Not even once....

I would like to at least once, be able to go around the bases without a fear of something going wrong... be able to stroll, take my time, and enjoy the benefits of hitting each base...1st...2nd..3rd.. Home...But instead, i'm stopped even before i get halfway to 1st base.

So I watch, and wait, watching every inning of my life pass before my eyes, thinking... "maybe this innings i'll hit a home run" but in reality going back to the plate more defeated each time...which makes me not even want to swing....Moving closer and closer into home plate so i can at least get hit with the ball... Yea there will be pain.. but at least i'll get to 1st base.

It will be the furthest i've ever been.

Love....I don't understand why I keep striking out with you?

Is it Going to be Worth It?

What is my life right now and everything I've gone and are currently going through preparing me for?!

Why Go to College?!

Why get a college degree if you can't get a job and you see people without a College Education living the lavish life and making WAY more than you?! PLEASE Help Me Understand That!