Need Some.

I need some dick...... bad! Haha.

Dead Ends

Its taken me 10 years (I would say 27 years... but I have not been relationship minded since birth) to realize that i do not want to be a "side man" or a "call whenever YOU want to" type of guy. I would LOVE to be someone's main dish.. someone Go to guy for Anything. It's been a long road for me to realize that. Now I am not saying hook ups for me are over... We all have our quick needs.. but i am wanting something more. Something more with a lot of excitement and discovery. I look at all my friends in relationships and I see them doing little cute things with their boyfriends and i can't help but want the same thing.. eventually..

I want it when the time is right.. I do not want to force a relationship... but I do not want to wait forever.

I always tend to get into things where I am the side piece, NO MORE IN 2014. hahaha. It's time I Demand Worth, and not de-value myself with all these people who do not really want me to begin with.

That's going to be the hard part.. is figuring out who really wants to be with me, and who just is having me there whenever they get lonely.

Good things come to those who wait... Good things come to those who wait.. That's what I have to keep telling myself until He comes.

Until then.. no more getting myself into situations that I KNOW are dead ends.

Peace :-)

2014

HAPPY 2014!!!!!!!

:-)

I wish I could stay home and have sex all day!!! Wouldn't that be AWESOME! hahaha

Here's to 2014! LET'S ENJOY IT! :-D

Quick Summary of 2013!

Wow.... on this almost LAST day of 2013...

I HAVE SOO MUCH TO SAY but I don't know where to start....

well Let's just go with what happened this year.

February. Had no Valentine.. but did not worry about that.

March... Took Marsha And Joseph to Disneyland and had a really good time. Marsha got upset with me for not stopping and looking at hair the next day and so i did not speak to her for 3 weeks. I think she learned. HAHAHA.... Moved into my Own Apartment... That was a BIG Deal for me... an experience i still do not know if i was ready fro.. meaning i did not expect all that came with it.. but i am enjoying it.

September... Went to Orlando and Miami Florida with Ryan Cuadros and Marsha... I had an AMAZING time. Turned 27...

October..Met my Fav Singer JOJO....(Thanks MARSHA) I went to Universal Horror Nights and Queen Mary's Halloween events.. Had a lot of fun

November.. Thanksgiving was cool

December.. Christmas was good..

Thats basically it.. I did have other things happen this year.. but those are the stand out Events...

Hope you guys have a safe and fun new year 2014..

See ya in the new year!

A Companion

Companionship... That's all I want.. all I Long For.. relationship wise.. Just a companion. No one seems to be interested in that anymore.. Well.. no one that I can see.

Wake Me Up When It's All Over.

There are soo many emotions going on with me today that I do not even know where to begin... I guess I'll start with Jesus letting me know today that he sleeps with other people.. Now I technically can not be mad at him.... as I have slept with people since I've known him also.. but i think what gets me is that I was dumb enough to even think he had not been.. I mean this guy has more secrets then the FBI.. so I should have known.. Now don't get me wring I am NOT mad at him... Just dissapointed that I let myself feel certain things for him that I should have known were not felt back...

I just feel like I am never going to be loved.. No matter what I do.. how i do it.. how I act.. how nice or supportive I am.. I am never going to experience someone loving me as much as I love them..

I know i have to learn to love myself first.. I get that.. And I am trying.. I really am... it's just hard when all these thoughts and emotions get in the way...

I really Appreciate his honesty though.. this is the first time I felt he has opened up to me and been 100% truthful with me.

I never feel good enough for anyone... So.. they treat me like i am not good enough.. I need more self esteem... respect. but instead I beat myself up for always being chosen last or not even chosen at all...

It's not a good fulfilling feeling.

I don't know what to do with myself...

I don't want to be desperate.. I don't want to seem needy.. and I believe that is how I come off to people. which makes them not want to even bother with me.

All I am doing is trying to be nice to them.. many times I do not want the dick, but it always comes off as me wanting it.

How can I change this? How can I gain true self esteem?

I don't know.

Things are changing. My 30's better be better then this.. This s a Horrible emotional state to be in. been here for months and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

I feel lost.

Pray for me y'all...

Peace

"Everything Will Be Ok"

One thing i have realized over the past few weeks is that i do not know how to deal with death. I have had two friends of mine who have recently had to go through situations dealing with death and i really don't know what to do.. what to tell them.. or to go about it. Do you tell them it is going to be ok? Knowing that they just Lost someone they loved, cared about, laughed with, joked with, basically spent a portion of their lives with. To tell them it is "going to be ok" in this time can be like putting acid on a wound.. Aren't you basically saying... Life goes on, and eventually you will be ok with their absence, because there is NOTHING you can do about it. So, i try to avoid that phrase. This morning i called my friend Fernando and he informed me that his sister, who was battling cancer, had just passed away. Being that it was 3 in the morning i was a little shocked..My mind was racing on comforting things to say, but all i could think to say was "I'm soo sorry" and was trying to avoid "Everything will be ok" <--But i said Both anyway... His life is like a Novella... I told him i was here for him...but like a novella., i can only sit and watch his life through a square box and telephone calls. I really want to be there for him.. I know its a difficult time for him, But what to do?!?!?! Again i ask.. How do i go about this. My other Friend Mar'Sha's Great Grandmother just passed away also... I really did not know what to do. I thought she had mentally prepared for the passing, but I was wrong. No Matter How much you prepare for someone to die... its never an easy thing to go through.I still do not know what to do.. how to comfort, how to give them a sense of comfort and serenity in this time of grieving. Do I give them space or Always try to be by their side whether it be emotionally or physically. I really do not know.... The pain, the hurt, the loss.. I realize that's one situation I avoid like a plague.