"Everything Will Be Ok"

One thing i have realized over the past few weeks is that i do not know how to deal with death. I have had two friends of mine who have recently had to go through situations dealing with death and i really don't know what to do.. what to tell them.. or to go about it. Do you tell them it is going to be ok? Knowing that they just Lost someone they loved, cared about, laughed with, joked with, basically spent a portion of their lives with. To tell them it is "going to be ok" in this time can be like putting acid on a wound.. Aren't you basically saying... Life goes on, and eventually you will be ok with their absence, because there is NOTHING you can do about it. So, i try to avoid that phrase. This morning i called my friend Fernando and he informed me that his sister, who was battling cancer, had just passed away. Being that it was 3 in the morning i was a little shocked..My mind was racing on comforting things to say, but all i could think to say was "I'm soo sorry" and was trying to avoid "Everything will be ok" <--But i said Both anyway... His life is like a Novella... I told him i was here for him...but like a novella., i can only sit and watch his life through a square box and telephone calls. I really want to be there for him.. I know its a difficult time for him, But what to do?!?!?! Again i ask.. How do i go about this. My other Friend Mar'Sha's Great Grandmother just passed away also... I really did not know what to do. I thought she had mentally prepared for the passing, but I was wrong. No Matter How much you prepare for someone to die... its never an easy thing to go through.I still do not know what to do.. how to comfort, how to give them a sense of comfort and serenity in this time of grieving. Do I give them space or Always try to be by their side whether it be emotionally or physically. I really do not know.... The pain, the hurt, the loss.. I realize that's one situation I avoid like a plague.

Born Female

Many Times I feel if I was born a female.. most of my internal struggles would be gone... It's not as easy as people think it is. No more hurting.. no more crying.. no more thinking there no chance for you... Everything would be good.. My liking of Men would be OK and excepted.. I would not have to answer question of "Are you Gay?" like i am some sort of hidden mutant people are curious about? Every friend i make i have to eventually answer that question.. Being a girl would have made all that go away.. I don't think i would evern think about things that are gay.. Yearning for a man's kiss, touch, his lips, his hands, his chest down to his Balls would be an ok thing for me to think about.. Matter of fact.. it would be encouraged!!!! Me Being a man though, the simple question of me liking other men sends potential friends running away... Do i have a plague.. am i contagious? Is there something they know, that i don't.. Should i try to run away from myself also? I mean.. maybe even gay men run away from me.. actually.. it's not a maybe.. THEY DO run away from me.. and i don't know why? I beat myself up and try to find different directions to approach the situations but i end up in the same place... Question my existence, Questions of why I am dealing with the pain of really not knowing if someone can truly love me. Watching, wishing, and waiting for...I don't know. :-( and thats the sad thing...

All I know is that at this point in my life.. Being a female.. would eliminate some of my heartache.

But I am going through a change.. I do not know what the change is... I see it though...

I went to church service today (FBC) for the first time in Years..I had a good time.. but for some reason it did not fill what i am missing.. I do not know what i am missing... but it did not fill it...

It's One in the morning... I can't sleep. How did i get like this?! Where do i go from here?! What do I do?! The funny thing about it is that I am not sad.. nor happy.. I am just... there...

I have no Motivation to do anything... maybe its just today... I'll give it a few more days and then i will seek other ways to dealing with Whatever this is!

Peace.

The Problem Is.....

This week I started singing again in the choir at my old church (Friendship Baptist Church). Gosh I've Missed it... It felt like Home, something I've Longed to be back in for a great deal of time... the Problem is... The More I get back into church.. the more I have to shove myself Back Into The Closet.

Masculine Latino Gay Men.

Today I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and i saw the cutest thing. It was 2 latino Gay Couples... I saw them in the line for X2 and i really could not believe my eyes. They were both MASCULINE gay couples... Now i am not sure how long these couples have been together but the chemistry that was shared between both couples made my heart melt. I really just wanted to stare and follow them for the rest of the day.. One couple was hugged up sometimes and one of the men laid his head on the other... though not long... sufficient enough to say that he loved and cared for the other. I noticed the other couples eye contact they had with each other. The funny thing is that in this couple, one of the guys reminded me of Jose... and i started to see us (in my mind) going to magic mountain as a couple and doing cute things in the line to make the time go by faster. haha... I just could not believe what i was seeing.. I was amazed, shocked, given hope, and encouraged that maybe one day i could have a love like the both of those couples. i could not stop staring... Usually i see the feminine latino guys.. which do not faze me at all.. but never have i seen two CUTE Masculine Latino Couples (basically everything i ever wanted in my significant other) visualized OUT in public so freely and non caring. It gave me hope... encouraged me... and made my day.. so whoever you guys were, dang i wish i would have met y'all... Thanks. :-)

Someones #1

Sitting here on this Sunday early morning just thinking. I can't fall asleep so I'm just thinking. I'm tired of being the last resort for people or just people taking advantage of me. I want someone who wants me for their first choice... not their last. It sucks feeling this way. Almost every encounter I have had I hand Ben made to feel that way. I guess that's why my self esteem is so low. I can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. What so I need to change though? Where do I start? How can one not feel like they are the last resort? Being ignored until they are ready to talk to me is never cool. I see it always go down like this. I smile.... but it hurts inside... bad. I give and give and expect the same in return. It's never like that. I just want to be someones #1.....but I guess it's time to just realize that's never going to happen.

Updated Post!

Oh My Gosh!!!! So much to tell but feeling soo lazy.. I went to SF. Pride this past weekend.. Met Fernando and met a new girl named Cassandra.. They were really cool. Then just working.. still needing a new job.. I'm tired of this one.. and just going through different feelings and emotions. Just dealing with me wanting to be in a relationship but not thinking i am ready. Scary thoughts. Me thinking since i am not the cutest i have to use my personality to maybe have someone interested in me. Just dumb stuff like that.. I say dumb because these thoughts do not help the situation at all.. so i am trying to still think positively.. Got a lot of work to do... But yea.. That's a quick update. Holla at y'all later!

I... Would...

I... Would... Love for someone to show me some attention... Cute texts... cute phone calls... cute visits....cute cuddling... cute kissing.... just plain cute... Love that.... I Would.

I find myself sometimes longing for the touch from even people who I know I can;t have... and THAT is where the problem might come in.

Overall though.. I just want to be touched on.. loved on... embraced on....

By someone else other than myself. Cuz my hand is getting a little tired.

(Darrick sighs and relaxes head on his hand)

I think it's my Turn... It's about that time...

I... Would... Love That.

Love That... I would.