Day 4.

Had my Jaw surgery 4 days ago on the 18th of december...
This is not a fun or easy process...
I cant eat anything solid for 6 weeks...
Nothing i have to chew..
Soup... Mashed Potatoes...Yogurt, Ensures, and Boosts are all i can basically have.. ohh.. and Jell-o...
As i sit here i really want to cry because i have not been outside in the last 4 days.. I sit.. and sit.. and watch the time pass oh soo slowly..
I try to watch t.v.. i try to read books. i try to play games.. I try to do anything i can just to make the time go by faster..
But
Nothing Suffices...
They told me The swelling will go down in the 2nd or 3rd weeks after the surgery..
But.. I can still have swelling until ten weeks after the surgery...
I look like a Chipmunk...
I have had my wisdom teeth pulled out before and that for the two weeks of recovery was not that bad..
But this... This right here.. Is like torture..
I would not wish this on ANYONE...
But then again.. I want EVERYONE to experience this so that they know what i am going through...
Some people do not realize how much we take for granted the food we eat..
Man what I would do for a Cheeseburger right now...

On My Own

If it's not one thing.... It's another..... I have soo much on my mind it is really ridiculous... But this is what Life is about right.. Learning about things everyday.... The older i get the more i realize i really am on my own... Mentally, physically, socially... and The more i live.. the more i am ok with that...
Like i am getting used to being and doing everything by myself... and accepting it...
Like for instance.. yesterday...
I performed.. (I was not comfortable performing in my outfit but hey... the show must go on right... hahaha) But after the performance i was suppose to go to my friends brother's party.. she ended up needing to talk to someone and wanting to ride home with them.. which means.. no party for me.. So i was like ok.. (kind of bummed cuz i wanted to meet her brother and party with him cuz he seems really cool).. So I proceeded to make my way home..... i was driving home and my other friend invited me to play Monopoly and/or Volleyball with his friends, who i know, and i was all for it cuz i just did not want to go home... so I am driving to where i was told to meet them and then he tells me, when i am basically there, that they are bailing out of the idea... I was pissed.. but said.. ok.. thats cool.. feeling a little more disappointed...But i proceeded on my way towards home..... Then I called my other friend to see if he wanted to hang out and just chill together... and he told me he was just going to stay in tonight.. (which.. at this point.. was what i wanted to do) and i said.. thats cool I don't mind doing that.. and he said.. well..... i'm at home and just hanging with some other friends.. (which to me means.. i'm sorry.. But your not welcomed) So i just decided to finally go home... but the funny thing is that i was going to hang out with him on friday, since his date cancelled on him, i was going to fill in and chill with him. He wanted to go out and party, and i was saying we should just chill and drink and laugh and be stupid. He did not want to do that. but he ended up doing exactly that.. but just with other people. meaning staying at home and drinking with some friends... Like the same thing he did yesterday night...
The moral of that story is that there were 3 instances where i was bailed out on or just not invited to...
It sucks not feeling like i can have someone to just hang out with and talk to after i had a long kind of downer week...
These last couple of months... well.. year... i have found a pattern..
If anything.. 2010 has taught me that sometimes it is better to be alone...
Most Definitely in Love..But also in friendships... I know of ONE person who i can truly call a friend.. Love ya Mario... and maybe that is all i need..
2010 was the year of being alone...
Like i said... If it's not one thing.. it's another...
If it's not learning about being alone in relationships status.....Then its about being alone in Friendships....If it's not friendships, its Mentally (meaning no one understands me)
No pity party needed...
This part of my life, and being alone, is going to guide me to something bigger and greater then what i can see right now..
It's the process of going through it that may be tough..
But it is all for good..
It's All for the good of the future...
Or that's what i keep telling myself...
"Hold on.. everything will work out... "
So I keep a smile on my face,
Keep My head held High.....
And just Keep it pushing...
On My Own...
I'm Doing it...
On My Own...
And I'm Ok with that...
So if its not one thing its another...
But I'm Learning it
And doing it..
On my Own...

Party of Sex.

My Friend Just invited me to a sex party.. Umm. I have never been to one before.. I'm Scared... should I even go?! It would be a new and different experience.. but i am not sure.. People still throw those?! OH MY GOSH! really... It would be interesting.. but i would not want to have anything to do with the people i saw there.. OH NO.. what if i recognize someone.. AHHH.. what if they recognize me?! AHHHH... Umm...

My friend just invited me to a sex party... I have never been to one before.. I'm Scared...

But maybe...

Just maybe...

Naw...
(heehee)

OMG.

Ohh my gosh!!!! OH MY GOSH!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!

I realized that what i was thinking and feeling was not even worth it. ..

Like... You cute and All...
But not worth all the tears and whatnot i put in it...

Oh My Gosh...
FOR REAL?!

Like.. everything just became soo clear to me!

Moving on and REALLY realizing things feels Great...

Sure i would like someone to hold..
But it is not necessary...

and that.. Is what I came to realize right now...

The necessity of having someone is gone
Like i used to think in order to be happy.. I had to have somebody...

But it's not even like that...

I have to enjoy being by myself...
Loving Myself..
Enjoying My OWN company....
Why couldn't it really CLICK sooner...

Like this real realization was out of NOWHERE!

i DON'T need It...
I want it..
But I don't Need it!

What I NEED to do is focus on What I HAVE to do in order to get WHERE I want to go...

and THAT does not take someone else holding my hand.



So when i say OMG.. it does not mean "Oh My Gosh"....

It Means "On My Grind"...

Cuz that's exactly what i am going to be...

By Myself...

And I'm Soo down with that!

Void!

I just want to void of love to leave..
I don't want to have that void anymore
I don't want to think about love..
I don't want to think about emotions
and someone caring... I don't want it..
I don't want it
I don't want it.
I don't want love...
the void of love.....
Needs to go...
Now..
Please...
Now...

On It...

I Noticed some things that are quite disturbing...
Just gotta uplift myself and tell myself that everything will come in due time....
Until then.. Just gotta Stay On My Grind.

Overall Really

Overall Really.... All I want is Everything.
Is that too much to Ask?