A Bore.

(Yawn)
This is all starting to become a Bore...
I am bored staying at home...
I am bored eating the same stuff
I am bored doing the same things
I'm just bored.. thats what I am!

I really need this job in order to boost up my quality of Life..
I want to live and do lots of things, including traveling, eating different places, seeing new and different things.. Which ALL require money..
I don't want to just sit in front of my computer all day or sleep all day or just stay in my house all day everyday until i have rehearsal.. It's not fun... It's not liberating.. it's not.. ANYTHING HELPFUL TO LIFE!!

Need money fast though.. cuz it's gotten to the point of me having to pay for gas with Quarters and change. and only paying 5 dollars at a time to not be on empty. But that does not last me long.. maybe like 15 miles, but then i am back on Empty again.

And the people I hang with tell me I live too far for them to just come and visit me. So i am sitting at home with no physical contact with anyone.

This is NOT where I thought I would be at 25! NO NOT ANYTHING CLOSE!

But I guess it is a learning experience... I gotta keep telling myself that in order to stay Optimistic.

I feel like once i receive a job everything will start rolling for me!
I am truly looking very hard.. but no one is biting.. I redo my resume all the time.. Redo the cover letter. Apply daily to places and still no bites.. I do not know what I am doing wrong but i need to find out quick.. Cuz even Applying to PLaces is becoming a chore and a bore to me. Doing it almost daily for a year and a half and I can see why it is becoming something that i am tired of....

I feel like no one wants me. No job, No relationship, No family support, and even dance has seemed to turn its back on me. I had an Instructor i look up to tell me that it looks like i have not taken class before and even Elm told me I am stagnant in my growth as a dancer.. and he told me to take more classes and push myself.. Well.. its hard for me to do that with NO money and no Gas.. especially when i would have to pay 15 dollars per class.. and drive all the way to Hollywood or somewhere else. (I barely made it back home from Irvine Yesterday). I am really trying to get better.. but it seems like the harder I try, the more I seem to "get worse". I also had a fellow teammate tell me they would rather dance with another team mate of mine instead of me, and i asked him why and he said "Because it's the truth" (what is the truth, what was he trying to say?) I told my best friend about that (he is on the team also) and all he said was "That's rude". He could not even encourage me and tell me something like "Dae, don't let that get you down, everything is going to be ok" or SOMETHING!!!! Which makes me feel like what that other team mate was hinting at is what everyone feels, but will not tell me.....

So... I don't know what to do.. Not growing as a dancer.. Applying but getting no where with these jobs, Always fighting with my mother, No relationship to even lean on in this tough time in my life. No one to talk to because people will not and do not understand the extent of what is going on. Even if I try to tell them, I get tuned out by the time the minute mark hits of me talking. Trust, i know when people tune me out, so i feel like there is no reason for me to be talking in those cases anyway.. People ask me what is wrong and I know they will tune me out, so I just say "Nothing". Cuz i know they really don't concern themselves with what's going on with me.

I'm constantly stressing myself out trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Stressing because nothing seems to be going the Way it is suppose to right now! Asking God all the time For guidance and a job and giving me the strength to take care of myself.. But.. I constantly find myself STUCK....

It's ok though....

The bright side of all of this is.. I am learning to emotionally rely on myself. Becoming someone who is Mentally strong and is able to handle a lot of disappointments. Now don't get me wrong.. I do not feel my life is a disappointment, just the place where i am at right now and in the past few years I have discovered I have had a lot of disappointments. Learning how to deal with them and why they happened so that they never happen again has taken a lot out of me. I feel, though, after all is said and done.. I will be a better person for myself and my well being. I will be on top of my game. and most will not be able to faze me.

This phase in my life is like my mental gym, The more i am going through, the more weight is put on me mentally.. and the stronger I mentally and emotionally become.. so.... Through all of this i will come out stronger. I may not look Physically strong, but trust, i wont be a weakling.

I just need to get that chance to change everything in my life...
One phone call..
One Interview....
One interested look.....
One opportunity to receive some recognition for the things I have done right.....
It ALL starts with One.
But until I do....
This is all starting to become redundant
(yawn).... :-/
This is all starting to become a bore...